Marlon Samuels

December 22, 2021

Eating marlon

I like Marlon Samuels.

But like the girl you fondled at the back of the pub, the more you know about him, the less likely you are to take him home to your mother.

Firstly he was ruined by the tag promising.

He was promising for so long, people forgot why he was promising, and just figured he’d never make it.

Secondly he is a chucker.

I don’t mean he has a defect in his action that means he bends his arm at release, I mean the dude bowls his quicker ball like a zulu warrior trying to spear some breakfast.

Thirdly he gave John the bookie a few tips on the make up of his team.

Sure he probably said, we are crap, perhaps even, really crap, but giving information to bookies is only ok if you did it before the ICC cared enough to crack down on it.

So now this promising chucking bookie lover is looking at a year off.

Where does this leave the West Indies team?

Statistically I am sure they can cover him, but after watching him in South Africa, I was convinced he was going to jump to the next level.

Now, with the possibility of the sort of holiday that usually has the words minimum security involved, he may never make it.

The Windies cannot afford to lose him, and the WICB, have already been told by Richie Richardson that a suspended sentence is the best way to go.

But the ICC, still angry after redlipgate, will not allow any suspended sentences for a man who gave information to bookies for cash.

Would be a shame if we lose Samuel for a couple, because I doubt we would ever see him again, and when he is switched on he is a delight to watch.… We constantly get sodomized down the legside

If Marlon were your dog….

My question for you to ponder on this Sunday arvo is quite simple?

If Marlon Samuels was your dog, what would you to with him?

Have him put down?

Kick him up the @ss daily?

Sit down with him and teach him about the ethics of hard work?

Send him out into the world to get a real job?

Feed him only the best cuts of cow?

Get a Pit bull and make him fight for mince meat everyday?

Get him several bitches and take one away every time he displeases you?

Get a cat?

Today Samuels comes out and makes the World Cup runners up look like a second class domestic attack.

Tomorrow he could make the same bowlers look like the Invincibles.

It looks like we will never see a consistent batsman, just flashes of great work in amongst all the crap he shovels.

But on the plus side, his good work with the chrab Chandrepaul has ensured the West Indies win the one day series.

Sure Sri Lanka never took this series seriously, but a win is a win.

Baby steps forward for the team once harshly called Tori Spelling by one cricket pundit.

The windies

The West Indies are horrible.

We have all dealt with that.

But with if they are less horrible than say waking up with Tori Spelling on your shoulder.

In South Africa there have been signs that there is a cricket team hiding behind the guys in Maroon shirts.

They won a test, a rained reduced 2020 game, and then struggled in the one day series.

This is a team who has had Gayle & Sarwan missing for huge periods of time.

Lack of depth not withstanding, I think this very young team has something about them.

Devon Smith proved today, in this frustrating water soaked game, that he can bat. If you think he can’t bat, every time you see Smith pretend it’s Ganga.

Smith & Gayle at the top of the order. And with McGrath’s best mate Sarwan at 3, its something of a top 3. It’s not Cook, Vaughn and Bell (which is no hayden, jacques and Ponting) but it has flair, fight and unpredictability.

Following them is Chandrepaul, no point him batting any lower, especially as he is terrible batting with the tail and should be batting in the top four as the best batsman,

Samuels has shown signs on this tour that he actually cares and behind him is Dwayne Bravo. Samuels & Bravo obviously have talent, and from what I’ve seen of the replacements, you are better off dancing with these guys than finding a new partner.

Bravo would probably be a far better batsman if he wasn’t an all rounder, but an all rounder with his skill doesn’t come along all that often. Bravo is a more than decent bowler, and most importantly he is an all rounder who can actually take wickets. There isn’t many number 6 batsman who are as good with the ball as he is.

Ramdin is just a keeper and just a batsman, but he seems like a fighter, just a shame he is always in the wrong division. Also has a very tiny head, looks weird in a helmet.

Their bowling is not too shabby. Edwards, Powell and Taylor all have pace and what marketing execs refer to as the X factor. Edwards is a real favourite of mine, I think he’s a little nuts, and I react positively to that.

With the 4 quick bowlers in their side they can even pick a spinner, I’d probably suggest that spinner isn’t Rawl Lewis. Not because he is old, just because I can’t imagine a situation where he ever takes 3 wickets in a game. Perhaps if he invents a machine that turns test batsmen into swans he might get two, if the swans had no pads on.

In the short term Sammy is the 5th bowler, he can hold a bat, which makes up for the fact that Ramdin isn’t that good, and he bowls a good line and length, even if he does round out a quintet of seam bowlers.

On paper, which is the only place my imaginary West Indian side has played, they have more ability and way more match winning potential than New Zealand.

Ofcourse the Windies would kill for a side as mentally tough as the Kiwis. At this stage they kill for a side as mentally tough as Campbellfield under 14’s.

It may not be always pretty, and there are still going to be some Spelling type losses but every now and then they will beat a good side, lose to a sh1t side and in general do things that make Viv Richards wish he had hair to pull out.

They may never be Natalie Portman, but they may become an interesting Liv Tyler from time to time.

A 2nd favourite type side, that doesn’t beat your side, but you enjoy watching.

Spring loaded stumps

I didn’t watch a lot of the one dayer between them and the Windies, cause I was working, but mostly cause it was crap.

But every time I looked up there were stumps cart wheeling everywhere.

In more respectable countries, after the wicket is disturbed, generally the stumps end up looking like Paris Hilton after a night out on the town.

In South Africa its more like Tara Reid.

And it’s not just for speed demons who bowl someone.

One ball had Marlon Samuels lashing a straight drive so hard that a stump almost gelded Mark Benson (I think, they all look the same to me, white people & umpires).

Then as they ran for 2 the ball was thrown to the keepers end as Samuels dived and Boucher took the bails off with all the sensitivity of a date rapist and yet again the stumps came flying out.

So there were stumps on the ground at both ends.

Stumps do come out of the ground in other countries, but never with the vitality and down right coolness that the do in South Africa.

I want more stumps that come out and geld umpires, it will add something to the sport.

Also I got to see the supervillian Morne Morkel in action. While he looked pretty average bowling, he did achieve a run out from his follow through with the most retarded wrong foot throw I’ve ever seen.

Oh and Johan Botha is a chucker. And ©rap.

Marlon Samuels smacked a brutal 98 before the evil empire conspired to derail his well smoted innings.

Are the west indies the new tori spelling?

Marlon Samuels just scored his first hundred in 5 years, 2002/03 against India was the last.

Let me tell you about 5 years ago, I was dating a girl who had not yet faked a pregnancy or told me she was about to kill herself in order to win me back.

George Bush had not yet invaded Iraq.

Shaun Pollock was Captain of South Africa.

The last matrix film hadn’t come out.

Paris Hilton wasn’t famous.

Jacques Kallis had hair.

Aravinda de silva still played cricket.

Woody Allen lived in New York.

Rupert Murdoch was Australian.

Mel Gibson was a closet Christian.

Sime was a fish and chip magician.

And Big Daddy was single.

Also back then a young kid by the name of Marlon Samuels looked like he could be the next big thing from the Windies.

5 years on, and the Windies are now only better than Bangladesh and the Kiwis (debatable, but going on form in South Africa).

Their captain bats like a drunk Canadian woodchopper.

Their best batsmen is a man who seems to have had enough of carrying his pathetic team mates.

Their gun all rounder is a derringer.

Their bowling is less predictable than Robin Williams.

And the rest of their batsmen are grade cricketers who got lost on their way to real jobs.

The Windies are really really really sh1t. Tara Reid sh1t, Celine Dion sh1t, TORI SPELLING SH1T.

Their only hope in not being the worst real test nation is if New Zealand can’t field a team, which by my estimations will happen in 2011.

The worst thing was they got up our expectations by winning a test in South Africa, nothing could wipe the smile off my face, well until the 2nd test started and they got flogged.

Will that be the last test win they have away from home?… We constantly get sodomized down the legside