World Twenty20

Jesse’s Groin is New Zealand cricket

Hard-hitting New Zealand cricketer Jesse Ryder has been admitted to a London hospital after injuring his groin in a Magic Johnson style sex romp.

Concern over his groin muscle injury continues to escalate as Jesse refuses to stop bedding Women at Julio Iglesias numbers, as he believes that having multiple partners actually improves his footwork.

Ryder was unavailable to play in New Zealand’s one-run loss to South Africa, as the groin was massively inflamed after he met two cute red heads in his hotel bar.

Shortly after the match team manager Steve Hustle said Ryder, who was able to play in the tournament opener against Scotland despite the injury, had been taken to a nearby hospital, and that only male Nurses were allowed to treat Jesse.

“Jesse is continuing to suffer serious inflammation in the groin area along with general wear and tear from a high work load and has been admitted to hospital overnight for enforced abstinence,” Hustle said.

Rumours that Ross Taylor’s lower back/hamstring injury is related to Jesse being on heat seem unfounded, but the two are rarely separated.

Jesse has always been known as a sexual tyrannosaurus, but in the past it has never affected his cricket.

Hustle said “Jesse still believes he can play, but we have never seen a groin that inflamed, not even in the days of Richard Hadlee or Jeff Crowe, and we want to be sure Jesse is ok before we let him continue with his cricket and his extra curricular activities.”

Ian Bishop’s favourite cricketer plays volley ball

Ian Chappell doesn’t like it.

Harsha Bhogle is almost out of breath talking about it.

Ian Bishop refuses to say the last name of the guy who did it.

What do you think of Angelo Mathew/Mathews volleyball save?

I like it, not enough people slap cricket balls with their hands.

The world t20 is over

Dirk gone.

Roy gone.

Sehwag gone.

End of tournament.

Surely I can’t watch this anymore.

What is left in it for me?

Potential South African choke.

New Zealand over-achieving and reaching the semis.

England losing, and then over analysing it.

Pakistani highs and lows.

Irish players doing a jig.

Indian players upset at the media.

Sri Lankans worried about after shocks.

Ok those are all good things.

So I’ll keep watching.

Sportsfreak says: T20 is not the end of the world

Brought to you by the freaks of sport.

T20 is not everyone’s ideal form of cricket. We know that .

But it is here, and like our ancestors had to cope when they discovered the world was in fact round, cricket fans need to adapt.

But it is not an easy road. Talkback radio, and even comments on this site , have been littered with all sorts of fundamentalist religious nonsense about the world coming to an end.

It is not, and this World Cup is actually pretty good.

Lets debunk the fundamentalist theories

No-one Cares
The players care. The reason they care might not be a noble one, but they care all right.

And Ponting cared when his bowlers kept getting carted.

And the Dutch certainly cared when they stole the show on the first night. You don’t storm the ground like that unless you care.

How silly having a 7 over a side match
No-one wants a match shortened by rain, but this is England and there is only so much you can control.

But the theory that tossing a coin would be a fairer way of resolving the match shows how perspective is a luxury in this debate, and fits into the same category of logic as saying that rain is caused by Messers Duckworth and Lewis.

But if you want a real farce try starting a test match after 65% of the available time has been lost to rain. For the mathematically challenged, that’s around lunch on the 4th day.

The results are a lottery
No they’re not. In every game to date the better side has won. Missing 3 run-outs in the final over is not a lottery, it’s just bad play with the pressure on.

The shortened nature of the games means that teams are more likely to find themselves in a position where you need run-outs in the last over, but it is hard to see the negative in that.

Even allowing for that, there have been fewer upsets to date than at your average FIFA World Cup; surely the benchmark for what a World Cup should look like. There were no “lottery” calls when Cameroon and Senegal beat defending champions on opening day of those events.

And what’s wrong with a World Cup starting on a Friday and Australia eliminated on the Monday anyway?

It’s a stupid format
An ICC run tournament with a stupid format? Where’s the news in that?

It’s not actually the format that is wrong; it’s fast paced, sides are dropping out dialy, and to win it teams will need to play 7 games over a 2 week period. Nothing much wrong with that.

The only wart is the pre-ordained seeding in making up the Super 8 pools meaning that the game between New Zealand and South Africa, for example, is meaningless.

But to have been able to watch all of the world’s best players (except for Symonds) in action over a 3 day period has been unique.

It’s rigged in favour of the batsmen
Now we’re onto something, but this applies for test cricket as well .

The one thing that seems to be an anomaly in T20 cricket is the fielding restrictions. No, not the number of fieldsmen inside the circle rule, that is there for a good reason.

What needs to change, however, is the restriction of only 5 fieldsmen on the leg side. When you watch Taylor or KP squaring up to play in their skewed take on “The V”, it all seems so unfair.

This restriction was applied to test cricket after Bodyline, and in an age before helmets. Somehow, it has been retained in other games, even with the change to the leg-side wide rule.

So that is the one rule that should change; pack a cordon on the slog-sweep boundary and watch them go for it.

That would make it even better.

We await the cheque in the mail from the ICC

Reasons why Australia are out of the Worldt20

To lull England into an Un-English positivity.

Roy gave Mike Hussey genital warts before he left.

Lara Bingle told them test cricket is the most important form of the game.

Cameron White sapped their confidence by bowling them all out in the nets.

They are afraid of UFOS.

Dirty Dirk told them he would punch them all in the face if they did better than him.

Most of them already have IPL contracts.

Shane Watson.

Brett Lee is no longer heartbroken, or any good.

Nathan Hauritz was sent to the Priory Centre with Susan Boyle when he found out he had to bowl in a match.

Brad Haddin was diagnosed with a potential case of swine flu, turns out he just shared an elevator with Scott Styris.

Australia’s best four players at the IPL were three retired guys and a Ski Instructor who has pissed off Andrew Hilditch.

Ricky Ponting spent more time spitting into his hands than he did changing the bowling.

Nathan Bracken lost his lucky alice band.

Jimmy Hopes unusually low hair line made David Warner doubt the existence of God and he start reading into Darwin instead of batting in the nets.

Other teams turned up.

Ricky, it’s just that t20 is not that into you

Perhaps it isn’t Australia that is to blame here, perhaps not even Andrew Hilditch and his Dirk and Callum ignoring.

The real reason may lie in the spit soaked hands of Australia’s best known hairy armed goblin, R Ponting.

His history in t20 isn’t really any good.

One season of the IPL, and Kolkata have no recovered since.

Last t20 world thingy he turned up about 15 minutes before the first game, and Australia were all but thrown out early.

This time they have been.

If Australia still isn’t taking t20 that seriously they need to check Lalit Modi’s bank balance.

This is the show, one day cricket is out, baby, the only white balls to dance with belong to t20.

Whether they took this seriously or not is hard to say, but let us look at what they did.

The first game they were off to a start that Jesus couldn’t recover from.

On a deck flatter than Keira Knightley on a Special K diet, where Scotland had smashed the Kiwis, Australia collapsed their way to 170.

Then Gayle came out, and he took the game away from Australia.

Bullshit, after 5 overs the score might have been 0/71, but Ricky hadn’t changed the bowling.

This is the form of cricket where bowlers often don’t bowl 2 overs on the trot, and here is Ricky bowling 5 straight overs without a change, you’ve got to be kidding me.

Lee’s first over went for 10, his second 14, what sort of brain dead fucking idiot of a troglodyte would give him a third?

Ricky.

His third went for 27.

Game over.

And tournament over, Australia never recovered from this.

In the second match he and Watson were flying, he went out and opened up Australia’s brittle middle order to Mendis.

Mendis was not spinning the ball that much, but once he got his special little fingers on Australia’s middle order, Hussey, Lee and Johnson were never going to slog enough at the end for a real total.

Seeing the devastating effect spin had on Australia, Ponting then decided to keep Hauritz back until the 9th over when they bowled.

Why pick him, and then keep him out the attack until only a real spinner could make a difference?

The score was 1/75 by then, chasing 160, pretty much game over.

And then the final bit of cheese on the day old pizza, Ricky doesn’t bowl out Mitchell, his best bowler, instead he bowls out Lee, who improved on his spanking at the oval, this time he only went for 39 runs in 4 overs.

Mitchell bowled 2 overs, and 1 ball of a third.

This leads me to believe that Australia do not only not take this series seriously, but that they used it as some sort of warm up for Brett Lee.

I’m sorry Ricky, this is pants, you can’t flirt with a format, you can’t use it as an experiment, your team isn’t that good.

If you don’t take this game seriously don’t play it, Cameron White seems to have a handle on it, or give it to Michael Bingle, I’d rather him than you at half mast.

I do wish the Dutch were playing in the Ashes.

 

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