World Twenty20

Jesse’s Groin is New Zealand cricket Hard-hitting New Zealand cricketer Jesse Ryder has been admitted to a London hospital after injuring his groin in a Magic Johnson style sex romp. Concern over his groin muscle injury continues to escalate as Jesse refuses to stop bedding Women at Julio Iglesias numbers, as he believes that having multiple partners actually improves his footwork. Ryder was unavailable to play in New Zealand’s one-run loss...

India is superpower

There are no more tracer bullets to dodge, the truth is now here. India is superpower. Frankly I am happy, as I have always assumed the Indian race was far superior to all other races. All our problems are gone, let us bathe lustily in the knowledge that India owns us. Now I can happily bow down before them and wait to meet their every command. For too long I’ve waited for a powerful race to take over the world, and in India we have a...

Dilshan Dilshan is the new Sri Lanka captain

Tillakaratne Dilshan has been named Sri Lankan captain for all three forms of the game, or so the press release in front of me says. Curiously, though, the appointment is only for the forthcoming tour of England, and no vice-captain has been named. The press release states that the other prospective candidates are nursing injuries, although no matter how often I read it I still can’t work out if they mean that the vice-captaincy is vacant...

Is Troy Cooley M. Yass?

Troy Cooley has been named as the interim head coach of Australia while Greg Chappell gets his resume in order. It’s hard to warm to this news, it’s like finding out that a band who’s first album was kinda ok is making a come back by playing their greatest hits in your kitchen. In my self acclaimed new book ‘Australian Autopsy‘ I posed the question of whether Mitchell Johnson actually exists, or whether he is just a construct of Troy...

The two sides of Salman Butt

Watching Pakistan in the field this test was always going to be interesting. With Butt as the new sheriff in town. Captain’s should never be judged on one game, but let me do it anyway, Butt’s captaincy varied from the inspired, the forgetful and the shambolic. Like most captains he was dependent on his bowlers, who were dependent on the weather. But his captaincy during the Smith innings fell apart. The field was set without common sense...

Imagine if the ICC made a major error

We all know that in this perfect world the ICC never make an error. Imagine that this isn’t a perfect world and that they did make errors. Imagine that in this error riddled world the ICC had to release certain information via the internet. Imagine that they might redact certain bits of this information for legal purposes. Imagine that you could actually read behind these redactions if you knew how to work computers in a hot shot manner....

The Oldest Dismissal

I went to Lord’s yesterday. Ostensibly, it was for a business trip, but as a part of it, it was necessary to visit the Media Centre. As I sat there, marvelling at how, without Jrod, the place seemed bigger, quieter and less full of expletives, some cricket went on far below us. Middlesex were playing Leicestershire and Matthew Hoggard (remember him?) was having a field day. The last of his six wickets saw Shaun Udal tamely spoon a ball to...

How Pakistan can win the world cup: Ride the Afridi love wand

How Pakistan will win There is no doubt that Pakistan has holes in their line up, and that at any stage the whole team could self combust into flames, even if Ross Taylor isn’t involved. Looking at Pakistan in any sort of structured way is like trying to prove ghosts exist by looking at three episodes of most haunted. Pakistan can win because Shahid Afridi is currently walking around oozing cocaine and champagne out of every orifice when he...

World Cup 2011

Kamran Akmal is winning You may not believe this, but between innings I managed to fly to Sri Lanka, convince that security at the ground that I only speak English, walk out on the ground, get several key reporters to give me a press pass and interview Kamran Akmal as he came off. Kamran, it’s Jrod from cricket with balls, can we have a quick chat? We need him and we need his wisdom and his bitchin’-ness. Cool, how do you feel about missing...

Nathan Hauritz’s Revenge

It had to come eventually. For so long I have poured all kinds of shit on this little club offie. He still survived. He even took test wickets. He cemented his place in the One Day side. He even didn’t always look like a nervous wreck one six away from suicide. Now his hate for me has made me so strong that he has taken down the one team i truly love, VIctoria. That lickle fucker. Two wickets in one over, and Victoria were dead. He even took...