England’s rampant criminality is a plus for cricket fans

December 21, 2021

You know if India had beaten England we’d have something approaching a kick ass world number 1.

Sure, since India surged past lifeless corpse test nations to grab the spot, they’ve been a bit drawy, but they’ve been fighting draws.

We want a number one team that has champion players and who fights like a tough kid with Lesbian parents.

India were pretty much that, they started every series down and out, but then came back hard and united, fighting their way to well earned draws.

There was something about them, and while I needed them to beat England to really jump on the India superpower rocket ship, I liked the way the way they played.

Now we are back to square one, again.

When South Africa became the number 1 test team it was largely a statistical thing, and when they actually had the chance to go number one properly they bottled it against Australia. They didn’t feel like the awesome number one we were looking for.

India got there largely the same way, they seemed to have more fight than South Africa, and they got there in a slightly more charismatic way, but you know, they still hadn’t won in Australia or South Africa, and their team seemed really old. Ray Price old.

When both teams made it to number one I complained that neither team was really this amazing dominant force, just the best we had at that given time. No South African fans complained, hundreds of Indian fans complained.

Now England has gone one worse, but they are making us start the calculations all over again.

By beating India, but not beating South Africa or winning much at all in the Subbie, they’ve given us another number one is probably the best right now, but who hasn’t quite stormed the globe wreaking havoc and destruction on the world.

They might. They seem to find another fast bowler capable of averaging under 30 everytime David Saker looks in the fridge, their batsmen are boring batting gods, and Andy Flower could make the trains run on time in Italy.

But they still have a bit to go to being a dominant number one, rather than a statistical one that could be leapt over at any moment.

And what is worse is that if South Africa stomp on the minnows Australia and the has been Sri Lankans, England lose their number one crown without even playing another test.

I mean, it’s hard to get too excited for Team England’s naked romp around the globe when there is a chance they won’t even be number one next time they play.

England also make themselves hard to love with their professionality, which may not be a word, but it should be.

But their also not easy to hate, Broad and KP notable exceptions.

The good news is they have started their reign as number one by poaching Young Frankenstein Boyd Rankin from Ireland. Meaning that yet again, Ireland have the bowling of George Dockerell and a few blokes from the pub.

There are some people who are very upset at this, but I am not.

England may take a couple of years to fly around to all the backyards and beat up the weak kids, but this act of unnecessary crowd baiting arrogance is the exact sort of thing you’d expect from the world’s kickass number 1.

It’s a no lose situation for cricket fans, we either get England failing, and the laughs that come from that, or we get our new evil empire.

Hate doesn’t lead you to the dark side, it leads you to number one.