Why all people who talk about (F)(U)DRS are idiots

December 21, 2021

I completely detest how much passion people have for discussion the DRS. Even when I write UDRS I am told I’m making a shocking error than can only be fixed by technology, and others who think the mistake was just part of my charm.

So here is my complete unscientific take on DRS and while each and every one of us, including me, is an idiot.

Obvious Vs Obvious Obvious

What is an obvious howler?

There is no obvious answer.

5MM outside legstump is obvious, as is a noise that can’t be matched to a visual. Obvious is a Whoopi Goldberg word, because there’s obvious and then there’s obvious obvious.

There are some umpires who have trouble with the basic principles of umpiring, do we also want them trying to work out how obvious, obvious is?

Flaws

There is one fact that seems to be overlooked by both sides of the fence, both systems are flawed. Life is flawed, the word flawed is flawed.

Human umpires are flawed, sometimes in Daryl Harper’s case, it’s their main characteristic, others like Aleem Dar swan around the world without a single hair out of place looking perfect but still make the odd mistake.

The DRS is also flawed. Even more flawed when in the hands of Daryl Harper. Even when in the hands of a Dar it can go wrong, because the technology and ideology is flawed. At the moment the DRS is like a programming a VCR to record M.A.N.T.I.S. in 1994, on some occasions it will work perfectly, on otheres you end up watching half of M.A.N.T.I.S and half of Lorenzo Lamos’ renegade.

That DRS is generally better than humans is true, but that doesn’t make it so brilliant that it can end bar room fights and end the fighting on the West Bank.

We could have 3D cameras, hotspot could be updated to not show reflections or get tricked by stickers or Vaseline, snicko could be more trustworthy and the many machines that predict the ball’s path could get better.

Plus the human element could change.

Let’s be honest, by the time the technology of DRS is perfect, robots won’t need us anymore and we’ll end up in a war against them that we can only win by creating a bomb that will kill us all. It will be the discussion of the bomb that replaces the DRS conversations.

The back foot no ball people

Richie Benaud still drones on about the back foot no ball like it was the pinnacle of all human fucking achievement. “That’s right, we went to the moon, invented breast augmentation suregery and came up with the back foot no ball rule, we’re pretty a talented species, indeed”.

The back foot no ball was good as the umpire could call it easier and earlier, in general there were less no balls bowled and everyone likes a sliding back foot.

It was also an advantage to be a taller bowler. As you’d be bowling from closer to the batsman and be that much quicker. The front foot no ball might be harder to police, difficult for bowlers to comply with and later for the batsman to hear, but everyone bowls from one place.

Cricket I get the feeling the people who are against the DRS are going the way of Richie Benaud, trapped in the cricket was better in my days.

The technology lovers

If the ball tracking systems are so good, why do Americans and Israelis still hit the odd hospital, huh, tell me that? And don’t tell me it’s on purpose you left pinky weirdo conspiracy nut job.

And, while you’re contemplating that, think about this, if it’s such a brilliant system, why does it completely crap it’s pants at 2.5 metres?

Don’t trust the 2.5 should the the slogan on the t shirts of the DRS opponents.

Implementationists

Oh, India are fucking the game again, look at them bending over cricket officials all around the world and sending hotspot cameras straight up their hotspots.

If the ICC really truly believed in DRS they could pay for it and make it mandatory. Boom, conspiracy over.

Then if the creator of hawk eye shows up dead we can start talking about how Sachin had them offed.

Global warming nut bags

It’s five degrees on a summer day; I told you global warming was bullshit.

It’s 40 degrees on a winter day; the apocalypse is here.

Sometimes DRS will work, sometimes it wont, just using individual cases is like saying, well I did meet a nice South African/NSWelshman/Pakistani cricket official once, so they must all be nice.

Conclusion

My head hurts, so just kill me now so I don’t have to hear one more conversation about it all.

Then simulate my demise with a computer program and argue over the exact cause of my death, or whether the computer simulation is being used properly and who should pay for it.