Jonathan Trott murders the English language

December 22, 2021

In the melee surrounding Kevin O’Brien’s astonishing innings – and Ireland’s consequent win – yesterday, another remarkable feat went rather un-noticed.

Jonathan Trott became the third man to reach 1000 ODI runs in only 21 games. That is the world record, in case you didn’t know. A record which he now shares with Sir Viv Richards and Kevin ‘KP’ Pietersen.

I do not have a problem with Trott holding this record. As one who witnessed at first hand his stumbling arrival upon the international scene, in a shambolic T20 series against the Windies and looking for all the world like a virgin who’d wandered into an orgy by mistake, it is nice to see him make a success of himself. No, what I object to is this:

Consider the way that the three approach an innings. Trott is a little bit different.

IVA Richards (Sir) Saunter to the wicket like you own Cricket, take guard, proceed to deposit bowling to all parts of the ground as casually as flicking a fly from a starving baby until you reach a hundred or get bored.

KP Pietersen (Badger (Retired)) March to the wicket with the determined air of a headmaster about to flog an especially recalcitrant schoolgirl. Take guard and proceed to flay bowling until you reach a hundred or get bored (at least until you reach 2009, then simply get injured or get out).

IJL Trott (Peon) Drag yourself to the wicket with the air of a condemned man. Scratch at crease. Take guard. Scratch at crease. Prod pitch. Scratch at crease. Spend hours nurdling the ball off your legs for singles, interspersed with more crease scratching until everyone gets bored/the bowler dies of apoplexy/you achieve your lifetime ambition and actually turn into a chicken.

Fastest? The idea of Trott doing anything quickly is just bloody ridiculous. I don’t mind him being successful, but I do mind him butchering the English language by being so.