The 5 words you need to describe the Australian batting line up

December 21, 2021

Old

If you were casting for a movie about this top order you could use the Space Cowboy cast to fill the team up. The two youngest men in the top six, or top seven when Brad Haddin comes back, are 29. Being that Australia is supposedly in a rebuilding phase, it seems odd that they are using men who in some cases have less than 12 months of cricket in them. Time for James Sutherland to purchase some gold watches.

Shaky

Recently I built a mansion made of cards, sit it outside in Chicago and put the Australian batting order next to it, guess what collapsed first? In their last 17 tests, 10 of those have had massive collapses or pathetic totals in them. Nothing happens though. It is almost as if the Australian selectors don’t watch the team bat at all. When Katich and Hussey bat together is not a bad policy for everyone.

Slow

This is perhaps the slowest batting line Australia has had since the 80s. Now you could argue that they don’t have the bowlers to bat quicker, but batting slowly only works if you do it well. Katich, Hussey and Paine are all slow scorers, and Clarke can be as well, so perhaps carrying these four and a 5th who averages 35 is not the smartest move.

Clubhouse

It is often said getting into the Australian side is harder than leaving it. That isn’t so true now; the bowling line up changes with injuries often as Ricky slowly puts his bowlers to death. Getting into this batting line up is harder than being a lesbian trying to get into the panties of Megan Phelps. Getting out is non existent, it’s the hotel fucken California. North is being given an extended run, Hussey was given 18 months sick pay, it is hard to know what you would need to do to get dropped from this line up. Perhaps sodomizing a goat live on TV and not running it past Cricket Australia first?

Shit

If your dog continues to fall over and pisses himself around the house, it is ok to take him to the vet to get him fixed or put down. I know you love the dog, but the falling down and pissing are quite obvious signs that something is wrong. Don’t wait for him to shit in your bed. This has nothing to do with the Australian batting line up, they’re just shit.