Shahid Afridi as test captain – what could go wrong

December 21, 2021

The problem with Pakistan is as soon as you have written something funny about them they come up with something funnier.

“It is a quality of a captain that he fosters cooperation and good relations among the players while following the rules and regulations of the game. Afridi has done all that.”

Ijaz Butt said that, and the only way this could be better was if at the end he just said. “Sorry, the dudes in the media department bet me a barrel of beer that I wouldn’t say that with a straight face, so fuck you Ahmer, you owe me a barrel of piss, biach”.

Now that Shahid Afridi, the master of following rules, is captain, what can we expect. I have no real idea, but I came up with 6 potential outcomes based on Afridi’s colourful history.

The Ice Block

New Zealand roll Pakistan on day one of a test for 150 and make it to stumps unbeaten for 180. That night Afridi gets a massive block of ice and takes it out on the pitch and puts it on a good length. Unfortunately he doesn’t notice that Mark Richardson is hosting his new reality show, “It happened after dark”, on the other side of the ground. When Afridi is shown the footage the next day he says that he was not doctoring the pitch, but that he always carries ice around and it just got heavy so he decided to put it down under the covers while he rested, but then he forgot where he put it.

Declarations

At certain times in his career as test captain, Shahid will declare roughly at 25, 50, and 75. None of these will be for match fixing, but none of these will be strategically sound decisions. Pakistan will still win one of these games.

Coup d’état

Unaware that he is captain, Afridi locks Shoaib Malik in his hotel room at 4Am and takes over the team. Their first mission, try to take over the world. Their second, to score really quickly so that girls think they are really hot. A couple of days later Afridi starts to dress like Che Guevara and walks around town in t smoking a cigar, is the first test player to wear a beret and is always talking about how to unify the working people against the dirty PCB oppressors. Since Afridi is doing a good job, and he was already the captain, no one feels the need to burst his bubble or let Malik out of his hotel room.

Press release

The PCB release another statement about Shoaib Ahktar. The bizarre press release states that Shoaib will not get to play in the upcoming test series as he was seen snorting coke off of bacon that was placed on a teenage boy at a night club. The release has a scribbled out signed name at the bottom that has a startling likeness to Shahid’s signature. Shoaib quickly denies ever touching bacon or young boys.

Rider

Before turning up to each ground Shahid insists his rider must be completed in full.

Sand paper.
Edible cricket balls.
Extra long spikes.
A dvd player.
A TV.
A complete and uncut dvd of ODI number 1125 with a soundtrack by Tina Turner.

Bollocks

Afridi will have a long and uninterrupted career as a respected and successful captain of a unified hard working Pakistan Test Team.

The good thing about Shahid is that even though I have tried to come up with ridiculous things that could happen, he is likely to trump me. By some distance.