Intrigue and mystery in basildon – how essex players entered the dark side

December 21, 2021

In June of 09 two usually well recognised Essex figures wore costumes.

The tall one with the soulful eyes was dressed up as Neo was in the matrix; the cute little one was dressed as Hancock (before his transformation).

They drove in a rented car to a kebab stand in Basildon. When they left the car they both looked over their shoulders and scanned the local area for people that looked out of place. It was 2am, so they were the only two who were not in some sort of alcoholic distress.

The kebab stand owners sore them approaching and after a quick pat down by a burly man with an apron on they were let inside.

When inside they are sat down in front of an older guy who is almost saturated in grease. He looks up, and then laughs at their costumes.

“Who the fuck are you two spose to be, fucken amateurs”.

The soulfully eyed Neo goes to speak but the man saturated in grease holds his hand.

“You don’t speak, I’ll tell you what I’ll tell you, and you’ll nod”.

Both men nod.

“You guys are fucked, I have the photos, and I’ll put them up on the internet as soon as I’d spit, y’hear me?”

Both Nod.

“Ok, this is how it will play the fuck out, ‘Neo’ you come on to bowl the 35th over, just bowl normal like. You ‘Homeless Eddie Murphy’…”

“It’s Han…”

The large man in the apron smacks Hancock in the head.

“You, pussyfeatures, you’re opening up, face the first over, play five dot balls, and then go out on the sixth one. Now I need you to sell this, so use that fucken puppy dog expression you use when you usually go out to make this look nice and legit like.”

The saturated grease mean nods at the large man in the apron, and he drops two packages of cash in their laps.

“Now, be nice lads and fuck the fuck off”.

Hancock and Neo get back in their car, check in their packages and cannot believe how much money there is in there, they are so excited they hug.

Then Neo starts the car and they leave.

As they get far enough away, Neo turns to Hancock and says, “You owe me 25 Quid for the rental, Pussyfeatures, now that is funny”.

“This is a made up story, Basildon is not a real place, and Kebab owners don’t usually fix matches, as Dick Wolf would say: Although inspired in part by a true incident, the following story is fictional and does not depict any actual person or event.”