The ICC has its test rankings involving numbers and nerds. Not Interested. So I came up with my own. They mean nothing, but neither do the ICCs and mine took less time. They also aren’t numbered for a reason, because that would be stupid. You can date the bottom girl on this list (actually make that second bottom) and have a great time, and perhaps have a shit time with the second lady.
Natalie Portman –
There is no outstanding test side at the moment, so no one gets the Portman from me.
Kate Winslet – India
Capable of great things, clever, classy and hot. But how many really cool films has Winslet been in? Has the potential to be the perfect partner, but would it kill her to be a curvy sexy ninja in a Rodriguez flick? Best of the bunch at the moment, but still has improvement in her.
Suicide girls – South Africa
They are hot, edgy and look great in photo shoots. When you are seeing a midnight showing of Donnie Darko they are the ideal partner, but leave them up to their own good and, well, they aren’t called the suicide girls for nothing. Do you want to spend your time hiding the razors?
Cute girl on the train – Australia
It seems like a great idea, but what do you know about the cute girl on the train. Sure, she likes Palahniuk, is wearing a cwb t-shirt and seems to be listening to Coltrane, but she could be nuts. Cuteness and good taste in popular culture are important, but for every hip thing about her, there will be something you don’t know about, like how she breeds rats to kill them while you have sex with her. She could turn out great, but she could be bi-polar.
Ellen Page – Sri Lanka
Has raw natural cuteness and talent. Yet is still a little odd looking. Not in a bad way, but from certain angles you question yourself. Your main concern is her never-ending journey to be the coolest person in the room, we get it Ellen, just stop being a wanker for 5 minutes and be in an adult movie.
Plain girl in the office – England
Easy to overlook, but could be the one. Obviously not as attractive as movie stars or with the hipster taste of the cute girl on the train, but suits you better than most. Can you really afford to shun her just because she wears cardigans? Although it must be said, she is not a good cook.
Brody Dalle – West Indies
Rock and roll. Big highs, but scary lows. There is something that draws you in, you’re not sure what, and it could be illegal, but she is supercool and has access to free drugs and booze. Might only keep you around for a short time, but it could be fun. Until the come down.
A chick on roller skates with bright pink hair in pigtails – Pakistan
She looks awesome, but she wears roller skates. That isn’t safe, what if she is rolling up to you and she falls headfirst onto your lap. That wouldn’t be good. The wow factor wouldn’t be any good when you have been hit in the nuts, and if you are hurt bad and you need medical supplies, the girl with the roller skates cannot be trusted. Practically roller skates are always going to end in tears.
Joan Cusack – New Zealand
Not conventionally attractive that is true, but funny, and who would try harder. The laughs will get you through. Sure she has a relative way more better looking and richer, but he is a dude. Could be a keeper, because if you stay with Joan you’d have funny intelligent chirpy moderately successful children, although watch out for twins.
Your mate’s teen sister – Bangladesh
Dude, she isn’t even legal. Look away. But check back in three or four years, just in case.