Raise your glasses

December 18, 2021

Roy, we have followed you throughout your entire career. You have entertained us all, off and on the field. Your drunkenness, rude way with fans, mild abuse to the press, and general need to fuck yourself over has been a breath of fresh air in this age of professional robot cricketers (Probots). James Sutherland will never allow us another you, Roy. You are it, a dying breed of drunkard cricketer, a throwback to a time when getting drunk and being good at cricket went hand in hand. You had the misfortune to be born in the wrong era, in the 70s or 80s there would have been no scandal if the odd bus was missed, or if you rocked up to the odd game with no sleep. Those days are gone ol’ chap, and your story is testament to that. You’ve had your fun though; you ol‘ lump of shit you. You played for your country, hit a streaker, appeared half naked in ads, and got more free booze and women than most of us could ever dream of.

When you sit down in the Drunkard’s Valhalla, you can do it proudly, as you pissed away your career with stunning masculinity and brutish charm.

Cheers to Roy.