Workmanlike, Pot, Kettle, Vaughan

December 18, 2021

This post can also be seen in The Wisden Cricketer’s July issue.

True Story.

Before the first test Michael Vaughan called the New Zealand XI workmanlike.

Some Kiwis got offended.

Most people think he is right, but I would say most people are idiots.

After two tests it has been proved that if any team is workmanlike it’s England.

New Zealand has Taylor, an attacking batsman who can win a game at any time.

Oram, one of the most destructive big hitters in the game.

And Prince Brendan McCullum, the most exciting batsman on earth.

Who does England have that can compare to this blingy trio?

I would say pound for pound England has the most workmanlike side on earth.

KP, was a former most exciting batsman on earth, but once he was at the English firm for long enough they made him an in house lawyer, after he couldn’t cut it in private practice in South Africa.

The English firm

Strauss, is an experienced HR manager who calls himself wing commander and everyone laughs at him.

Cook, the fresh young graduate in IT who everyone suspects wears mascara.

Vaughan, the CEO, who thinks he is still the young buck but all his shirts have yellow stains around the neck.

Bell, is the salesman everyone talks up as exciting because he went to a rave once, and wears way too much cologne.

Collingwood, is the accountant, no one works longer hours for less productivity.

Ambrose, the new marketing manager, started with a bang, but so did the last 4 guys in his job.

Broad, the son of a former employee, works in dispatch, everyone talks about how young he is, no one talks about how good he is.

Sidebottom, the factory foreman, without him the company would cease to exist.

Panesar, the office manager who wears odd socks and novelty ties, but sits on the net all day looking for a girlfriend.

Anderson, is the guy who drives the fork lift into the walls, but the girls in the office still think he is dreamy.

There are no players in there who are genuine superstars (at the moment), no players who are worth the admission price on their own, and no players who can inspire great deeds.

New Zealand definitely have some blue collar players, O’Brien and How are as workmanlike as you can get, but McCullum is far more exciting than anyone wearing the pristine whites for England at the moment.

England are like an episode of the office with the cast of Neighbours playing all the parts.

Actually, that would be more entertaining to watch.… We constantly get sodomized down the legside