CAUTION: This blog contains satirically explicit sex scenes involving South Africans. If you are under 18, a prude, a religious type, or South African you should probably walk away now.
The guys over at sportsfreak pointed me towards Kallis’ extraordinary innings against the Bangladeshi Kittens.
39 off 120 balls with no boundaries.
This coming after the record opening partnership, which shall never be written about here.
This got me thinking about how Jacques likes to have sex.
I know it’s a disgusting thought, but try and hold your upchuck until the end.
Jacques comes home from a well constructed 120 off 332 balls against New Zealand, and he says I want to make love.
You know the drill.
Run him a bath. Not too hot, not too cold. You will play his favourite ocean sounds whilst in the bath.
In the bedroom the lighting must be just right, 18 candles, they all have their positions, and cannot be moved. The music is always Kenny G, preferably breathless, or the moment.
Following this is the maintenance session, you will thoroughly clean, wax and pluck every part of you. Jacques doesn’t like grass on the wicket.
Then you must quickly log onto the internet and check out his average.
You will then go into the bathroom and dry him off, all the while you will be telling him how sexy he is, how adored he is by the public, how every man wants to be him.
Topics that cannot be broached, his ever widening girth. The bald spot, or the fact that no one really likes him.
This shall be followed by a slow passionless kiss, the sort of kiss that makes your toes uncurl. This kiss should go for 20 minutes. No pauses are allowed.
Then the love making can proceed. You will disrobe privately and quickly enter under the covers and lay naked on the bed in what is known as the starfish pose.
Jacques will then enter the bed, still under the covers and position him self on top of you, being careful not to touch you in any erotic way.
He will then enter your vagina with his penis, because kiddies, that is how mummy and daddy have sex with their neighbours.
At this point, you will be reasonably happy. But unfortunately, Jacques then very slowly and deliberately moves in and out, without ever going to far in, or too far out, for the next 4 hours.
He never once changes angle, position, speed, technique, or depth. Just a slow and steady semi penetration until he is happy with the results, and he squeezes out a drop of Kallis juice.
Never more than a drop.
Afterwards you will be required to whisper ever so sweetly 57.54 into his ear. You shouldn’t be out of breath, so this should be easy to do.
Then you must get Jacques eye mask, his ear plugs, his scented candles and leave him alone in the master bedroom to get his beauty sleep.