cricket with balls

I’m on the train to Headingley.

I think I’m about 2 hours away from Yorkshire.

Now for a normal side, I wouldn’t expect to arrive to much more than a late team change or injury.

What can I expect from Pakistan?

A bloodless coup of the captaincy brought out by chief cancer Shoaib Malik.

Malik tells Butt that as captain he gets a special car to the ground, but the car is driven by mercenaries hired by Malik and funded by Mark Thatcher.  Butt is driven to Warsaw and kept underground.  The press say he has fled due to the pressure of being captain (after receiving a tip from Malik).  While the PCB madly look for Butt, Malik graciously puts his hand up to step in if Butt is somehow not found.

Helicopters and Younis Khan.

The PCB feel nervous about the decision to give the job to Butt and at the last minute they call Younis Khan and tell him to get in the car waiting outside which will take him to a helipad.  From there he is flown in one of those helicopters with the double blade thingies all the way to Yorkshire, he lands at Boycott’s helipad and is whisked to the ground in time to make the toss. Unfortunately he is given Butt’s jacket for the toss, and it looks comically small on him.

The PCB decide not to play.

Ijaz Butt  takes a look at the team, the conditions, and the twin powerhouse of North and Watson and just decides not to play.  He releases a press statement, “Pakistan is a proud cricketing nation, but fuck that, this is shit.  We won’t win, we’ll probably be fucken awful.  I mean our captain averages like 30 in test cricket, our best two batsmen aren’t here and our last captain quit after 15 minutes.  I can’t really be bothered, and I’ve always thought Yorkshire was a shithole. So we’re going home, see you later.”

Or maybe something really crazy could happen.

Pakistan cricket is getting so nuts that if they all turn up to the ground and try hard with no shocks we’ll all feel cheated.

Little Younis went into his the playground with his brand new go go pets hamster that his parents bought for him.

He had wanted it for years; perhaps he was a bit old to carry it around at this stage, but he knew that no one would treat it like he would.

A few years earlier he was supposed to get one, but he made such a fuss at the store about his role in the toy decision making process, his parents didn’t buy it for him.

Now he was obsessed with it, he wouldn’t let anyone touch it, although the go go pets hamster style bouncy ball that came with it he gave to the excited kid to play with.

Then a distant relative told Little Younis’ parents that they saw him kicking the fake hamster around in the dirt.

Little Younis had heard his uncle telling his parents and before his parents had even talked to him about it Little Younis was so angry he ran away from home, not for long, but long enough to worry his parents.

He came back with tear stained cheeks and found out that no one had taken his crazy uncles word for it, and he then started playing with the fake pet hamster again.

Not for long though, one day when out on the play ground another kid, one much smaller than Little Younis kicked dirt on the hamster.  The small boy said it was an accident.

But soon more and more kids were kicking dirt on him, all of them were claiming innocence, but Little Younis knew better.

Instead of fighting back, or even getting his parents to help he through the fake pet hamster down and ran from the play ground in an over the top dramatic way.

This time his parents can’t even be bothered with him.

Little Younis is now all alone, under a tree, crying his little heart out as the other boys now fight over his beloved fake pet hamster.

Perhaps he will be able to get his fake pet hamster back, but he might have to fight for it and stop being a pissy little bitch all the time.

Oh fuck.

Look at the teams that Pakistan out performed in the Champion’s Trophy, India and South Africa.

No one is accusing them of match fixing, they just played shit.

And even if Pakistan did ensure that India didn’t make it, something I don’t believe, who fucken cares.

Australia and New Zealand have both done it to each other.

If Australia had a chance to knock out South Africa by losing a game of cricket, they wouldn’t plan on doing it, but I bet it would cross their minds when they got behind.

Pakistan had very little intensity against Australia, but why would they, they’d already qualified.

Once they had a sniff of victory they became low down and dirty animals, Rana Naved was fucking vicious.

Had he been tested for testosterone at that moment he would have broken the needle.

Pakistan did not throw that game.

As for the final against New Zealand, give me a break.

Then the bullshit starts.

Some Pakistani politician who wants to make it into the news, and who probably knows almost half the names of the current team, jumps on an old horse.

Younis Khan gets upset that his reputation has been tarnished, so he leaves the job in a strop.

And how exactly does all this help Pakistan?

They finally find a captain who seems to have a brain and the respect of his players, he wins a tournament, makes the semis of the next one, and now they need a new captain.

Is this fucktard of a politician going to captain them?

No, that would be hard work.

Captaining Pakistan is not easy, few have done it well, so when you find someone who can do it best not to falsely accuse him of match fixing.

For once just do what other countries do, accuse him of being a shit captain and bag him on the internet.

Whwn I watched any of the Pakistani games from the world t20 on TV I was amazed at how many times the commentators said Aamir is only 17.

Give me a break.

He may be 17 on the ICC forms, but if he is under 20 he is doing well.

Some news places were talking about how he wasn’t born when Pakistan won their last world cup, my ass he wasn’t.

Barring Misbah Cricket, all Pakistanis lie about their age.

If Shahid Afridi is really only 29 I will eat my fathers left nut.

And with all that in mind, here is an excerpt from an excerpt of Younis Khan’s candid interview from Well Pitched.

When reminded he was only 31 (twice during the interview)

Younis laughed and said that 31 was only his official age on paper. He admitted he was only a year younger than Misbah (35) and that he was born in 1975.

Perhaps now the commentators and Journalists, who know this crap goes on, can stop talking about Pakistani teenagers once and for all.

Since no one at the ICC or world anti-doping agencies could believe Afridi’s two grown up batting displays, they have decided to test him for drugs.

This is a standard practice, and not because they saw him snorting cocaine of a group of women after his innings in the semi final.

They are looking for a performance-enhancing cocktail that will explain the last few days.

We don’t need a test to tell us what substance is in his veins.

Awesomeness. Pure Awesomeness.

A natural compound found in the Zulus, Indigenous Australians, Jazz musicians and Natalie Portman.

Afridi has bucketloads of awesomeness coursing though him.

Awesomeness is not an illegal performance-enhancing substance, as there is no known test for it, although it does make the person perform better and makes them more awesome.

Along with all this awesomeness, his tests will show more testosterone than any drug test has ever shown, but this is not artificial. Afridi is a bulging sinew of raw sexual power, and he runs on testosterone.

Any readings of above normal testosterone levels should be accepted.

Ofcourse there is one drug that Afridi will have.

There is a fair chance he did not take it knowingly, and that Younis Khan crushed it, and then slipped it into Afridi’s meals.

Adderall.

Which for those unaware does this:
Adderall is a central nervous system stimulant. It affects chemicals in the brain and nerves that contribute to hyperactivity and impulse control.

I think we all know the tests will show up positive for this.