cricket with balls

Due to time zones and sky programming, I’ve been watching the Zimbabwe tour of the Windies instead of the Australian tour of New Zealand.

This explains the Ray Price love.

Until tonight Zimbabwe have been kicking ass, but they still don’t like facing Kemar Roach.

This is probably not the best ad for Grey-Nicolls.

Cheers to ducking beamers for this.

There is no doubt that for most of us watching a great cricket game brings on similar feelings to that of a confused teenage girl reading Twilight.

Even if that game is a T20. If it has great performances, changes of momentum and a close finish most of us will enjoy it.

This makes the T20 match between Australia and New Zealand the sort of match that gets ratings up.

The ICC will probably think this is the perfect match of cricket. They probably have a scientist trying to clone it.

High scoring match, heaps of highlights, a tied finish and a super over. Shaun Tait even gave them a few extra days in the news.

I’m not saying this isn’t a great game. Australia is flying at the moment, and for the Kiwis to score that many runs against them, and then steal the game in the super duper over, wow.

But I saw another game.

It had a team that started by losing 3 wickets before scoring a run, and then scratched their way to the pathetic score of 105 thanks to an over of such ineptitude that if Rampaul was a Pakistani he would be in jail by now.

Then the opposition chasing the low total facing 18 overs of moderately talented spin and falling over 20 runs short of the pathetic total.

It was pathetic on almost every level. Beautifully pathetic.

Other than the brilliant pantomime performance from world number two ODI bowler Ray Price and some amazing bowling from Sulieman Benn, the entertainment value did not come through purposeful actions.

It was horrible cricket. Really horrible.

The Battlefield Earth of cricket matches, so bad that even though it is a sunday afternoon and you are cooking dinner you end up putting everything on hold to watch every craptacular detail.

There was a piece of cricket late in the game so good that Wisden should dedicate 7 books to it.

Masakadza was bowling to Ramdin, it was a nothing ball that started the last over. Ramdin smacked it straight to long on, and instead of being caught, it was dropped behind the fielder and even though there was plenty of time for two runs, Rampaul barely completed one run. The next ball Masakadza missed the pitch.

Neither team really deserved to be wearing matching uniforms.

Now you might think that a game that was dominated by average spinners, crazy spinners, idiotic batting and occasional pathetic fielding is not an entertaining game of cricket. Perhaps it isn’t, but I am a sick man.

I’m very glad I saw this game and not that worried that I missed the kiwis super over triumph.

Who needs close finishes and talent when you have Zimbabwe’s Ray Price acting like a bare knuckle boxer when some shell shocked Windian batsman can’t flick away his door knob deliveries.

No one. That is who.

That should be the beginning and end of the story.

Yes it is a impressive statistical achievement, but so would it be if a kid said he had masturbated every day from the age of 11 to 16.

In the end you are pretty much only beating yourself.

The West Indies came to Australia without a bowling attack, carried some strike breakers, blooded some kids and had a captain who turned up in time for the toss.

They played well at times, but ultimately look like a team that needed the other team to explode for victory, Australia flamed at times, but never combusted.

Then Pakistan came without their captain after struggling in New Zealand. They abandoned the first game, showed their keeper to be the worst keeper in a generation of the worst keepers while their stand in captain refused to captain and showed nothing more than faux teenagers.

Pakistan’s one day side was playing under a captain who was sacked before the series started, the team lived up to that decision, then they made a positive move and hired a new captain who had one of the most entertaining fuck ups in cricket history when he tried to bite the ball.

Their T20 side showed their champion status by bowling Australia out for 127, they still lost.

Then the Windies came back, not all of them though, some were still hanging around milking cash from state sides.

The Windies one day side seemed to made up of blokes who had won contests to play and a few guys who had talent but rarely used it. In their first two games they made 310 as a combined total. Surprisingly that struggled to stop the momentum of the best one day side in the world.

For some reason logic has never touched on the Windies were given two T20 games which they embarrassed themselves fully in.

The one plus about the Windies trip back was that at least distant family members were assured that Wavell Hinds was alive.

That was it, there was some rain, a defensive draw in Adelaide and Australia even beat themselves once.

It was better than losing the Ashes, Border-Gavaskar and the Mike Haysman cup, but not that much better.

They should be proud for not losing, but I wouldn’t give them anything more than a biscuit if they were my kids.

Buy the book, get a t-shirt, or donate to the whisky fund.

Buy the book, get a t-shirt, or donate to the whisky fund.

The ICC has its test rankings involving numbers and nerds.  Not Interested.  So I came up with my own.  They mean nothing, but neither do the ICCs and mine took less time.  They also aren’t numbered for a reason, because that would be stupid.   You can date the bottom girl on this list (actually make that second bottom) and have a great time, and perhaps have a shit time with the second lady.

Natalie Portman –

There is no outstanding test side at the moment, so no one gets the Portman from me.

Kate Winslet – India

Capable of great things, clever, classy and hot.  But how many really cool films has Winslet been in?  Has the potential to be the perfect partner, but would it kill her to be a curvy sexy ninja in a Rodriguez flick?  Best of the bunch at the moment, but still has improvement in her.

Suicide girls – South Africa

They are hot, edgy and look great in photo shoots. When you are seeing a midnight showing of Donnie Darko they are the ideal partner, but leave them up to their own good and, well, they aren’t called the suicide girls for nothing.  Do you want to spend your time hiding the razors?

Cute girl on the train – Australia

It seems like a great idea, but what do you know about the cute girl on the train.  Sure, she likes Palahniuk, is wearing a cwb t-shirt and seems to be listening to Coltrane, but she could be nuts.  Cuteness and good taste in popular culture are important, but for every hip thing about her, there will be something you don’t know about, like how she breeds rats to kill them while you have sex with her.  She could turn out great, but she could be bi-polar.

Ellen Page – Sri Lanka

Has raw natural cuteness and talent.  Yet is still a little odd looking.  Not in a bad way, but from certain angles you question yourself.  Your main concern is her never-ending journey to be the coolest person in the room, we get it Ellen, just stop being a wanker for 5 minutes and be in an adult movie.

Plain girl in the office – England

Easy to overlook, but could be the one.  Obviously not as attractive as movie stars or with the hipster taste of the cute girl on the train, but suits you better than most.  Can you really afford to shun her just because she wears cardigans?  Although it must be said, she is not a good cook.

Brody Dalle – West Indies

Rock and roll.  Big highs, but scary lows.  There is something that draws you in, you’re not sure what, and it could be illegal, but she is supercool and has access to free drugs and booze.  Might only keep you around for a short time, but it could be fun.  Until the come down.

A chick on roller skates with bright pink hair in pigtails – Pakistan

She looks awesome, but she wears roller skates. That isn’t safe, what if she is rolling up to you and she falls headfirst onto your lap.  That wouldn’t be good.  The wow factor wouldn’t be any good when you have been hit in the nuts, and if you are hurt bad and you need medical supplies, the girl with the roller skates cannot be trusted.  Practically roller skates are always going to end in tears.

Joan Cusack – New Zealand

Not conventionally attractive that is true, but funny, and who would try harder.  The laughs will get you through. Sure she has a relative way more better looking and richer, but he is a dude.  Could be a keeper, because if you stay with Joan you’d have funny intelligent chirpy moderately successful children, although watch out for twins.

Your mate’s teen sister – Bangladesh

Dude, she isn’t even legal.  Look away.  But check back in three or four years, just in case.

The Windies lost this series 2-0, but were there abouts in 2 of these tests because of one reason, Australia kept collapsing.

They lost the Ashes for the same reason.

It is easy to blame the bowlers, but Australia’s attack is still pretty inexperienced and keeps getting injured.

Their batting line up has plenty of tests and years behind them, they hardly ever get injured, and of recent times they collapse like they’re in a 1950 horror film.

It can’t just be Michael Hussey.

There has to be something fundamentally wrong somewhere.  Twice in their last four tests they have been bowled out for less than 200, and on neither occasion the pitch was the culprit.

When a team can organise their own collapse, they make themselves a fairly hittable target.

At no stage did all the Windies bowlers fire as one, Bravo, Rampaul, Roach and Benn all had their moments, but Australia was, like the Ashes, more than happy to step in and help.

The Pakistan camp was pretty confident before they even arrived in Australia, saying they could win, who could argue with them.

Their bowling unit is tight and they have Asif in top form. Ofcourse their batting seems just as likely to collapse as Australia.

The problem for Australia is that other than a shallow tail, there is no obvious flaw.  Katich and Watson probably need to be split up so Watson can bowl more, but they are working as a team.

Ponting is still a more than capable number three.  Hussey is still a concern, but in the last 4 tests he has been as good as any time in the last 18 months.  Clarke has never been one to save Australia in a collapse, but in recent times has made some handy rearguard scores.

North seems to be permanently playing for his spot, he does go out early on occasion, but once he is set he is fine. And Haddin is Haddin. He hooked in the dark at Lord’s.

Bringing in Bailey, Hughes, Klinger or any Marsh won’t fix this.

It’s not a bad batting order, but how do you expect to win test if you can’t make 200?

I keep mentioning the Ashes today, must be trying to sell my book.