cricket with balls

Is notorious for being easily upset over his weight.  Has big talent and a huge appetite for wickets.  Graeme Swann seems to think he is stupid, or at least likes to take the piss out of him for it.  For all that stupidness he is often quite a clever bowler.  His batting is something, I’m just not sure what yet.  Comes from Yorkshire, but seems way less annoying than Boycott.  Wants to be England’s next all rounder, but is clearly way too fit to ever be offered the job.  Perfect for pie or real ale ad campaigns.

One of the great things about cricket is the fact that it is so unpredictable. Every day, the fan is faced with intriguing possibilities. What new way will the ICC find to screw up a tournament? How many inches will Stuart Broad have grown overnight? And whose turn is it to be captain of Pakistan this week?

Today’s surprise? Well, it wasn’t England’s mauling of Sri Lanka. Watching England at the moment is a bit like watching a drunk walking along a bridge parapet in the small hours of a Sunday morning – you know it is all going to end in a nasty squishy mess, but predicting the point at which the fall will come is somewhat trickier. And because so many people predicted that they would drop off the edge, they somehow clung on.

No, the surprising thing was how they did it, and particularly how one particular player did it. Today was the day that Kevin Pietersen turned into one of the elder statesmen of cricket (at least for the afternoon).

It started with the frowning and disgusted shake of the head as Tim Bresnan attempted to gift Sri Lanka a whole over of wides.

Then he came into bat right after Lasith Malinga had cleaned up Craig Kieswetter with a trademark yorker. The old KP would’ve swiped at the first ball, desperate to get off the mark. The new version calmly blocked another, less well directed, yorker and then bunted the next ball to mid-on for that duck-breaking single.

And so it continued. No rash shots, no hand-switching sweeps. In fact the Sri Lankans appeared perplexed by his habit of wandering down the pitch and nudging the ball for a single, rather than trying to batter it out of the ground over mid-wicket. And he certainly didn’t regard being a dozen runs from victory as an excuse to charge down the wicket and twat the ball straight up in the air, as his captain did.

Pietersen the Responsible. Who’d have thought it. Honestly, anyone would think he’d become a parent or something.

David Saker has been announced as bowling coach for England. Saker had to beat out Craig “real estate mogul” McDermott and the man with the most serious face in the business, Allan Donald.

I spent way too many afternoons watching Saker run in, beat the bat, yell, walk back muttering to himself, and then repeat.

He was so clearly insane, in the best possible fast bowling way.

I remember one game where he sledged a batsmen so loudly that I could hear it and I was out the back buying a pie.

Victorians loved him, everyone else hated him.

So what will he do when he takes over a bowling group full of male models and solid notherners.

Stuart Broad

For the first time in his career, Broad focuses on bowling tight nagging spells just outside off stump and never tries to bowl anything else. Everything is going fine until Billy Doctrove is asleep one day and misses a plumb LBW, next over Broad is fielding a ball at short fine leg but still manages to “accidently” to hit Doctrove in the throat with a throw to the keeper. Broad goes off the field to write up his apology.

James Anderson

Starts bareknuckle brawling and this leads to a dramatic improvement in his performance. Whereas before he would glare at a batsmen and the batsmen would think he was auditioning for Men’s Health, now they see the scars and glint in his eye and get scared.

Ryan Sidebottom & Tim Bresnan

Nothing much changes in they way they play, but experts notice that their sledging has a much more personal edge to it, Ryan refers to it as the 1 percent he needs for success. Unfortunately Sky mic Bresnan up for a T20 game and then have to apologise to all homosexuals, hermaphrodites and anyone who has ever loved the Little Mermaid. Sidebottom is dropped after bowling a bouncer fromtwo metres over the crease before running through to the batsmen and clothes lining the batsmen.

Liam Plunkett

Never plays again.

Graham Onions

Claims he is, and always has been, a rolling stones fan and hates that pissy pop music like Lily Allen. He also dyes his hair strawberry blond, puts on some weight, pinks his cheeks regularly and finally grows a goatee. He also lengthens his follow through by 10 feet.

Darren Pattinson

Hits Stuart Law in a pro40 game and is rushed into the test side where he becomes an into the wind specialist and goes on to take 300 wickets for England.

You think I feel dirty for writing that, don’t you? Well, you’re wrong.

Now, it is fair to say that opinion on Bell is pretty much divided. Jrod, for example, wants to keep him naked in a gilded cage. This isn’t legal, but probably should be. Balancing this view, you have the likes of Suave who want to remove him from the gene pool, preferably with fire. This isn’t legal, but probably should be.

Both, of course, are wrong. Wronger than a baby seal sandwich. Because the one thing that you can’t deny about Bell is that he’s a determined little bugger. Like the fly that keeps bashing its head on the window, in defiance of the logic that going through the open window above it might present a better option, Bell has hung on to his international career despite all of the obstacles in his way. When you are born short and ginger, and are then sent to a minor public school – so minor that you are the most notable alumnus – the temptation to give up on life and become a bank clerk must be strong.

Not Bell, though. No matter how many times you tell him that he’s not quite good enough to play international cricket, he tries to prove you wrong. Before today, one of the big complaints against him was that he only ever made big runs if everyone around him was doing the same. Yesterday, for the first time, he made a century when no-body else did.

OK, so it was ‘only’ Bangladesh. But it was the ‘only’ Bangladesh who posted over 400 in their first innings, as against an England side who only got that far because of a seventh wicket partnership which featured at least four decisions which were manifestly wrong in favour of the batsman. An England side for whom Fat Boy Bresnan will be the second top scorer.

This tour was supposed to be a sinecure for the England team, a nice rest before the rigours of the summer and winter. It has been nothing of the sort. For one or two, this may be the last time they pull on a Test shirt. For Ian Bell, it might just be the tour where he cements his place in the side. No-one has been as consistent wtih the bat on this ‘easy’ tour, and international runs count, no matter who you make them against. Could we have just witnessed the moment where Bell confirmed his place over and above that of another ginger-haired lad?

As the hours tick down towards the start of their oh-so-tricky first Test against Bangladesh, England’s selectors are apparently enduring sleepless hours wondering who to leave out from the side.

So far, the only people certain not to be in the starting XI are Luke Wright and Stephen Davies. Even Liam Plunkett might get a call, on the grounds that (a) Stuart Broad might not be fit and (b) he’s the next most-capped bowler in the side – which would mean adopting the age-old English policy of going for experience despite the player having been resolutely crap for the entire tour.

Which means that they have to play Broad, because otherwise they have to play someone slightly less threatening than Angelina Ballerina. Except they can’t play him as a part of a two man pace attack, in case his back goes again.

In which case they have to play Finn, despite his being likely to blow away at the first gust of wind, because they have to play Bresnan, if only to ensure that there is some food left come the intervals.

But if they play three seamers, they have to leave out either a spinner or a batsman. Which means either leaving out Swann (unthinkable), the leading wicket taker on this leg of the tour (Tredwell), the guy who scored a ton in the last game (Trott), the only specialist opener in the side other than the captain (Carberry) or Ian Bell, who hasn’t really done anything to justify being dropped. For once.

And before anyone starts, you’ve more chance of catching Andy Flower climbing out of the back entrance of Robert Mugabe than you have of him dropping KP.

Never fear, though. Because the Balls has the answer. There isn’t one England player who isn’t taller than any given member of the Bangladesh starting XI – even Bell. And when you get to a certain height, your features must just be fading into the distance, like mountain tops. Which means that England should just take advantage of their opponents being a bit on the short side and just play Broad. And then, if he starts falling apart again, slip Finn onto the field in his place. A bit of hair dye and no-one will ever know.

And then the selectors can get a decent night’s sleep and stop coming up with stupid ideas such as Trott opening, or dropping Tredwell on a track prepared for their opponents’ 1283 spinners.