Sure they won the series, but what is the point of a win if you can’t take buckets of momentum with you.

Australia winning two one dayers in a row has meant that they can claim to have the momentum as the take the field in the first ashes test.

Yes I understand that we are in July and the Ashes don’t starat till November and don’t finish till January, but momentum is momentum.

It is possible that Australia could lose the momentum, I suppose, but then they could win it back, and lose it again, and then win it back, before losing it.

I think the key to momentum is having it for longer than the other team do and using it to win matches with.

You need to get momentum to win games and you need to win games to get momentum.

Australia has done this, and with no matches between now and Novmember there is no possible way for England to get the momentum back.  It is simply gone for months.

They could, theoretically, beat Pakistan four nil and watch Australi lose 4 bil to Pakistan and India.

That would get back some momentum for them, but would it be enough momentum, or even the right kind of momentum.

The thing with momentum is that we never know how to correctly weigh its important.  Australia beating England is a huge momentum gathering event, but was it even enough to counter the momentum of England’s T20 win, was that win enough to out weigh Australia’s win in the Champion’s Trophy and 7 match ODI series, and were those two enough to trump England’s Ashes wins which had allegedly got the momentum back from Australia’s 5-nill win of the 06/07 Ashes.

We haven’t even talked about the 05 Ashes yet.

That is how tricky momentum can be. After finishing that long paragraph I lost my momentum. But I could get it back. I could write another really sharp and ironic sentence that went on forever and made you feel a little dizzy. Then, poof, momentum back. It just isn’t happening for me though.  That paragraph took it out of me, and the momentum is lost for now.

That is just how it works.

Australia have it now, but they won’t have it for ever.  No one can.

Momentum is a fickle mistress.

He bowls, has hair, skin and toe nails, is tall, thin, gets bounce, bowls a decent line and doesn’t swing the ball.

How could he possibly be more like McGrath?

England did it; they created the perfect McGrath clone, one that can torment Australia for years with bounce, consistency and wickets.

All their problems are over, the sun is shining, squirrels are humping cats, huzzah.

The problem is that he isn’t the only one out there. As Tony put it, “Australia have promoted the real new Glenn McGrath”.

The Australian NSP (wank speak for selectors) couldn’t just sit around and watch England bring out the new McGrath, so they brought out their own.

Josh Hazelwood, who is tall, bounce, etc, you know, pretty much the same thing as Finn without the test wickets against Bangladesh.

The ashes has started early, my friends.

This McGrath off is getting serious.

Finn has the thinness, Hazelwood has the county NSWales back round.

Australia didn’t need to pick Hazelwood, they had other options, Hilfenhaus and George could have gone, but both men are not like McGrath.

They did it just to show that they aren’t afraid of showing their new McGrath to England, even though England are hiding their new McGrath.

Ofcourse in order to be a real McGrath off, their should be a reality game show.

Finn and Hazelwood would have to go head to head in a bunch of McGrath events.

They’ll have to try and pick up an English flight attendant.

Try and hit a gnat’s ass at 20 yards.

Get hair cuts to see which one can truly pull off the 8 year old boy’s hair cut.

One pig will be released, they both have to go after it in the most boring way they can, but they still have to kill it.

And finally a tea pot competition to see which player can pull of the angry face the best.

Only then can we finally know who should be ruined by the name “the new McGrath”.

I wasn’t sure what to put up here.

Some of it makes sense in the book, but may not here.

Some of it I like to much I want it read in print first.

Eventually I decided on the following passage, I’m not sure why.

It isn’t the final edit, but it is roughly right.

It is after Australia’s first batting collapse at Lord’s when a few of the Aussies went out to the short ball.

“Pull yourself”

Oh come on.

Most of you played this shot when you were in the womb. Back-foot shots are what Australians do. I get not getting swing bowling or having trouble with spinner’s mystery balls, but short balls. Fuck off.

Katich and North are from the Waca. The WACA. The place of pace and bounce. When they learnt the game this was a wicket that fast bowlers would drool over. If you couldn’t play the short ball well there you died, you actually died.

Brad, what was going on with you, you played yours in the dark. In the dark. And you had already seen four others go out the same way. Was there no little voice in your head saying: “Jeez, we are struggling, perhaps I should not try this shot that the whole team has played and fucked up.” No, of course not. You are an instinct player. That is why we, and England, love you. Did you see all the happiness you brought them?

Marcus, you were special too. Unlike your brethren you didn’t even wait for a short ball, you just attacked one that you wanted to be short. That worked out well for you. You do realise that at some grounds in the world the bounce is rather less than you get at the Waca.

Mitchell, never mind son. Just have a good rest.

Phillip, Way to show people you aren’t afraid of the short ball, glove a shit one down the legside. Hasn’t anyone ever told you it is almost impossible to pull one down the legside, you can’t control it. But you are young, I forgive you.

Simon, hasn’t anyone ever told you that you can’t control a short ball down the leg side you dumb fuck. Come on. You are supposed to be the smart stoic boring one.

What are we supposed to tell the children?

“Daddy, I do not understand, how did we lose to England?”
“Well my dear, you see they all decided to play the hook and pull shots badly on one day”
“Daddy, that is fucked, can we kill them?”

If I can find another section I’d like to put up, I will.

He couldn’t, he was busy.

As a few of the balls fans on twitter pointed out, this one was more consistent and better at hitting his targets.

It should also be pointed out that a current New Zealand cricketer thought this Mitchell Johnson looked like Daniel Flynn.

You decide.

I thought that was pretty cool, but from there the day went mental.

I woke up to an email from ABC Sydney radio asking for a chat.

While I was setting up my phone interview with the ABC, I got a call from some other media mob asking me to do an interview in front of a hotel.

I said yes, but only if it wouldn’t interfere with my ABC interview, and I asked if I could do it by phone.

They said I couldn’t. Probably because it was a TV interview on CNN. I know.

So they sent me a car (a Mercedes), and I went out to England’s hotel to do a live cross with them, and while I waited I chatted to the ABC until they brought Jim Maxwell on as well and I could not get a fucken word in.

Then I was on air at CNN with Nick Compton of Middlesex, who seems like a good bloke, and did my bit with them. They mentioned the balls, and on the screen had me down as an Australian Journalist, my family still hasn’t stopped laughing at that.

After that I was waiting for my Mercedes, but since it took the best part of an hour, I was sitting around talking shit with Aussies when the BBC came up and asked us for a chat based on our accents.

I said no probs, as long as you mention my site.

So I did my BBC interview, swore twice, and then let one of the original balls crew, Big Daddy, have his moment in the sun.

The BBC used the footage for their BBC London news program, although there was no mention of my website.

Bastards.

So it was a big day, will put up the CNN and BBC footage soon.

But now I am tired.

It is tiring being this famous.

We are in it, and we say b*******s, whatever that means.

Go look.

It gave us two equally talented sides, but two sides where were equally shit.

One couldn’t make hundreds, the other couldn’t take wickets.

The spinners were pitiful.

The keepers were shaved monkeys.

The captains were defensive minded McDonald’s Managers.

The top orders were poor.

The seam bowlers were working class at best.

It was a limp series.

And I mean that from a cricket standpoint, not from an English or Australian standpoint.

It was meh, except for the fact it came down to the second last day.

England were beyond pathetic in Wales.

Australia continued their allergy to the swinging ball at Lord’s.

England went from favourites to shit kickers in the Brum swimming pool.

England didn’t even bother travelling to Leeds.

And finally Australia decided the pitch was doctored and let Stuart Broad molest them at the Oval.

The series was close, the test matches were not.

It was a series of artificial closeness inspired by the unrelenting fact that both sides are quite shit.

For once I agree with the ICC rankings.

Australia 4, England 5.

Both shit (that isn’t in the rankings, the ICC have still not gone with my unofficial sweary rankings, but you get he point).

I wrote this.

England deserved the ashes more than Australia. Not by much. But let us not quibble about bullshit when champagne is being poured on naked n power girls.

Am at the pub and just saw drunken poms clap ricky ponting. When/if I sober up I will write some shit.

This is all I have for now:

I love the ashes.

Well played England.

You bastards.