cricket with balls

A couple of people have asked to see some of what goes on in the book.

I wasn’t sure what to put up here.

Some of it makes sense in the book, but may not here.

Some of it I like to much I want it read in print first.

Eventually I decided on the following passage, I’m not sure why.

It isn’t the final edit, but it is roughly right.

It is after Australia’s first batting collapse at Lord’s when a few of the Aussies went out to the short ball.

“Pull yourself”

Oh come on.

Most of you played this shot when you were in the womb. Back-foot shots are what Australians do. I get not getting swing bowling or having trouble with spinner’s mystery balls, but short balls. Fuck off.

Katich and North are from the Waca. The WACA. The place of pace and bounce. When they learnt the game this was a wicket that fast bowlers would drool over. If you couldn’t play the short ball well there you died, you actually died.

Brad, what was going on with you, you played yours in the dark. In the dark. And you had already seen four others go out the same way. Was there no little voice in your head saying: “Jeez, we are struggling, perhaps I should not try this shot that the whole team has played and fucked up.” No, of course not. You are an instinct player. That is why we, and England, love you. Did you see all the happiness you brought them?

Marcus, you were special too. Unlike your brethren you didn’t even wait for a short ball, you just attacked one that you wanted to be short. That worked out well for you. You do realise that at some grounds in the world the bounce is rather less than you get at the Waca.

Mitchell, never mind son. Just have a good rest.

Phillip, Way to show people you aren’t afraid of the short ball, glove a shit one down the legside. Hasn’t anyone ever told you it is almost impossible to pull one down the legside, you can’t control it. But you are young, I forgive you.

Simon, hasn’t anyone ever told you that you can’t control a short ball down the leg side you dumb fuck. Come on. You are supposed to be the smart stoic boring one.

What are we supposed to tell the children?

“Daddy, I do not understand, how did we lose to England?”
“Well my dear, you see they all decided to play the hook and pull shots badly on one day”
“Daddy, that is fucked, can we kill them?”

If I can find another section I’d like to put up, I will.

During the Ashes we were working hard.

This is not an everyday occurrence for us.

So hard did we work that we have forgotten all the magical stuff we wrote.

If you remember any magical, disgusting, hilarious, stupid or interesting pieces i wrote here or at TWC, Crikey, or the times tell me about it.

Email them to me at answers@cricketwithballs.com, or put it in the comments.

Cheers

During the Ashes I said that the real Mitchell Johnson never turned up.

He couldn’t, he was busy.

As a few of the balls fans on twitter pointed out, this one was more consistent and better at hitting his targets.

It should also be pointed out that a current New Zealand cricketer thought this Mitchell Johnson looked like Daniel Flynn.

You decide.

Over at the commentary position they ran an Ashes tipping comp.

It was obviously flawed as I did not win.

Go check it out.

This morning I was in the times, i stuffed the link up, but here it is good and proper.

I thought that was pretty cool, but from there the day went mental.

I woke up to an email from ABC Sydney radio asking for a chat.

While I was setting up my phone interview with the ABC, I got a call from some other media mob asking me to do an interview in front of a hotel.

I said yes, but only if it wouldn’t interfere with my ABC interview, and I asked if I could do it by phone.

They said I couldn’t. Probably because it was a TV interview on CNN. I know.

So they sent me a car (a Mercedes), and I went out to England’s hotel to do a live cross with them, and while I waited I chatted to the ABC until they brought Jim Maxwell on as well and I could not get a fucken word in.

Then I was on air at CNN with Nick Compton of Middlesex, who seems like a good bloke, and did my bit with them. They mentioned the balls, and on the screen had me down as an Australian Journalist, my family still hasn’t stopped laughing at that.

After that I was waiting for my Mercedes, but since it took the best part of an hour, I was sitting around talking shit with Aussies when the BBC came up and asked us for a chat based on our accents.

I said no probs, as long as you mention my site.

So I did my BBC interview, swore twice, and then let one of the original balls crew, Big Daddy, have his moment in the sun.

The BBC used the footage for their BBC London news program, although there was no mention of my website.

Bastards.

So it was a big day, will put up the CNN and BBC footage soon.

But now I am tired.

It is tiring being this famous.