cricket with balls

Ricky Ponting claims that when he showers an alien by the name of Pinky gives him a special directors commentary of Schindler’s List from the right side of Steve Spielberg’s brain.

Ricky Ponting claims he was the lindberg baby.

Ricky Ponting claims that in a previous life he was Jesus’ butler.

Ricky Ponting claims that with the conditions in his team’s favour that winning 5-0 is possible when asked it as a direct question.

OK, so hardly the same thing, but from the headlines you’d swear he was running around the press conference tongue kissing the journalists with his own shit marking out a 5-0 win on his chest.

It is possible Australia win 5 zip, it is also possible England win it 5 zip.

Other things that are possible:

Shane Watson outing himself as a lover of plush toys.

Luke Wright using a deft touch with the bat to beat Australia in the deciding test.

Nathan Hauritz taking off his shirt and doing the Warne dance when Australia win a test.

Andrew Strauss getting caught with his dick in an exhaust pipe.

Australia or England winning 4-1 or 4-0.

If you asked me if these were possible, I’d say yes.

I probably wouldn’t say, “There’s no reason why not. It’s all in our (their) hands.”

I’d probably say, “none of these events are likely to happen, but there is a slim possibility that if you fucked Tony Greig in the eyeball for an hour straight you’d get nothing more than a sore dick as he is clearly an indestructible mother fucker, but what is more likely is that you’d end up with eye ball under your foreskin and if you have a big dick, just a touch of brain wedged in there too… and eyelashes, I ’spose”.

Anything is possible.

It is also possible that a captain in the twilight stage of a long career could be asked such an obviously inflammatory question and fuck it up. If the conditions favoured it.

The worst possible scenario has happened to the English cricket team, they have lost cricket’s most valuable ethereal element, ‘momentum’.

Sure they won the series, but what is the point of a win if you can’t take buckets of momentum with you.

Australia winning two one dayers in a row has meant that they can claim to have the momentum as the take the field in the first ashes test.

Yes I understand that we are in July and the Ashes don’t starat till November and don’t finish till January, but momentum is momentum.

It is possible that Australia could lose the momentum, I suppose, but then they could win it back, and lose it again, and then win it back, before losing it.

I think the key to momentum is having it for longer than the other team do and using it to win matches with.

You need to get momentum to win games and you need to win games to get momentum.

Australia has done this, and with no matches between now and Novmember there is no possible way for England to get the momentum back.  It is simply gone for months.

They could, theoretically, beat Pakistan four nil and watch Australi lose 4 bil to Pakistan and India.

That would get back some momentum for them, but would it be enough momentum, or even the right kind of momentum.

The thing with momentum is that we never know how to correctly weigh its important.  Australia beating England is a huge momentum gathering event, but was it even enough to counter the momentum of England’s T20 win, was that win enough to out weigh Australia’s win in the Champion’s Trophy and 7 match ODI series, and were those two enough to trump England’s Ashes wins which had allegedly got the momentum back from Australia’s 5-nill win of the 06/07 Ashes.

We haven’t even talked about the 05 Ashes yet.

That is how tricky momentum can be. After finishing that long paragraph I lost my momentum. But I could get it back. I could write another really sharp and ironic sentence that went on forever and made you feel a little dizzy. Then, poof, momentum back. It just isn’t happening for me though.  That paragraph took it out of me, and the momentum is lost for now.

That is just how it works.

Australia have it now, but they won’t have it for ever.  No one can.

Momentum is a fickle mistress.

Stephen Finn is the new Glenn McGrath. Of that there can be no doubt.

He bowls, has hair, skin and toe nails, is tall, thin, gets bounce, bowls a decent line and doesn’t swing the ball.

How could he possibly be more like McGrath?

England did it; they created the perfect McGrath clone, one that can torment Australia for years with bounce, consistency and wickets.

All their problems are over, the sun is shining, squirrels are humping cats, huzzah.

The problem is that he isn’t the only one out there. As Tony put it, “Australia have promoted the real new Glenn McGrath”.

The Australian NSP (wank speak for selectors) couldn’t just sit around and watch England bring out the new McGrath, so they brought out their own.

Josh Hazelwood, who is tall, bounce, etc, you know, pretty much the same thing as Finn without the test wickets against Bangladesh.

The ashes has started early, my friends.

This McGrath off is getting serious.

Finn has the thinness, Hazelwood has the county NSWales back round.

Australia didn’t need to pick Hazelwood, they had other options, Hilfenhaus and George could have gone, but both men are not like McGrath.

They did it just to show that they aren’t afraid of showing their new McGrath to England, even though England are hiding their new McGrath.

Ofcourse in order to be a real McGrath off, their should be a reality game show.

Finn and Hazelwood would have to go head to head in a bunch of McGrath events.

They’ll have to try and pick up an English flight attendant.

Try and hit a gnat’s ass at 20 yards.

Get hair cuts to see which one can truly pull off the 8 year old boy’s hair cut.

One pig will be released, they both have to go after it in the most boring way they can, but they still have to kill it.

And finally a tea pot competition to see which player can pull of the angry face the best.

Only then can we finally know who should be ruined by the name “the new McGrath”.

A couple of people have asked to see some of what goes on in the book.

I wasn’t sure what to put up here.

Some of it makes sense in the book, but may not here.

Some of it I like to much I want it read in print first.

Eventually I decided on the following passage, I’m not sure why.

It isn’t the final edit, but it is roughly right.

It is after Australia’s first batting collapse at Lord’s when a few of the Aussies went out to the short ball.

“Pull yourself”

Oh come on.

Most of you played this shot when you were in the womb. Back-foot shots are what Australians do. I get not getting swing bowling or having trouble with spinner’s mystery balls, but short balls. Fuck off.

Katich and North are from the Waca. The WACA. The place of pace and bounce. When they learnt the game this was a wicket that fast bowlers would drool over. If you couldn’t play the short ball well there you died, you actually died.

Brad, what was going on with you, you played yours in the dark. In the dark. And you had already seen four others go out the same way. Was there no little voice in your head saying: “Jeez, we are struggling, perhaps I should not try this shot that the whole team has played and fucked up.” No, of course not. You are an instinct player. That is why we, and England, love you. Did you see all the happiness you brought them?

Marcus, you were special too. Unlike your brethren you didn’t even wait for a short ball, you just attacked one that you wanted to be short. That worked out well for you. You do realise that at some grounds in the world the bounce is rather less than you get at the Waca.

Mitchell, never mind son. Just have a good rest.

Phillip, Way to show people you aren’t afraid of the short ball, glove a shit one down the legside. Hasn’t anyone ever told you it is almost impossible to pull one down the legside, you can’t control it. But you are young, I forgive you.

Simon, hasn’t anyone ever told you that you can’t control a short ball down the leg side you dumb fuck. Come on. You are supposed to be the smart stoic boring one.

What are we supposed to tell the children?

“Daddy, I do not understand, how did we lose to England?”
“Well my dear, you see they all decided to play the hook and pull shots badly on one day”
“Daddy, that is fucked, can we kill them?”

If I can find another section I’d like to put up, I will.

During the Ashes I said that the real Mitchell Johnson never turned up.

He couldn’t, he was busy.

As a few of the balls fans on twitter pointed out, this one was more consistent and better at hitting his targets.

It should also be pointed out that a current New Zealand cricketer thought this Mitchell Johnson looked like Daniel Flynn.

You decide.