cricket with balls

That the Krab has a career at all is testament to the human spirit and proof that appearances do not matter.  Katich’s early career was mostly shit.  Then he went off and made his technique even more unwatchable.  Some thought this meant he should be stood on by a giant boot, but that ridiculously ugly technique seems to work for modern Test Cricket.  Has now made himself into one of the few grizzled opening batsmen in world cricket.  Still fucks up close to hundreds a lot.  His popularity levels tripled at around the same point Michael Clarke’s throat was grabbed.

I know Indian fans have been waiting a while for me to say this, but County Cricket is a cruel tyrant here to ruin the game of cricket.

How? Oh, I’ll tell you, but robbing us of arguably the ugliest spectacle of all time, but also giving just a taste of what could have been.

It all started when Lancashire’s latest gun recruit, the one the only King Kumar, had to pull out of their season due to other commitments. Knowing that there is no one human being who can replace Kumar’s cool easy elegance with bat, Lancs replaced him with two men.

Now that County Cricket only allows 1 international player (and 9 kolpaks) at any one time, the two replacement players were hired to fill in at different times in the season.

The players are, Simon the Krab Katich and Shivnarine the Chrab Chanderpaul.

On their own these are two men who scuttle and accumulate as good as any, but together, they could create a new super breed of cricketers.

Batsmen who play with such ugly and unconventional techniques that bowling them out would be more luck than design.  Ugliness would be the new black.

Watching them together would revolutionize English cricket, batsmen would no longer be taught to play according to the Lord’s play book.  They would be taught using the new crablike demeanors.

Young children would be given black tape for under their eyes before each innings.  Three balls in they would be encouraged to dive into the crease and not wipe the dirt off.  They would start to face square leg when the bowler came in.  The inside edge squirt to back ward sqaure leg would become the scoring shot of choice.  And all English batsmen would show the bowler leg stump as they scuttled across the crease to protect the corridor.

Shiv and Katich would inspire more young English players than Freddie, Ramps and Mushtaq combined.  Their tandem crabbing could move England to number one in the world test rankings.  Australia, India and South Africa would start sending cricketers to England just to study this new crabbing technioque that was under their eyes for years while they were watching Mark Waugh and VVS Laxman.

But County Cricket is denying their country this technology by not teaming up this super ugly team.  Instead Shiv shall Chrab a bit, then Kat will Krab a bit, and young English children will never know that right in front of their eyes was a technique that could have made them a future English Cricketer.  Because as well all know, one cricketer scuttling around the crease is not going to start any revolution.

Thanks, County Cricket, way to ruin these potential future crabs’ dreams.

Happy Jesus on a stick day. A day that is all about honouring someone who died so that we can all be perverts and animals, but you can’t eat steak, in case some is made of him.

In honour of Jesus dying I’ve compiled an XI of players who died, and were then reborn, or you know, other Christian type shit. Jesus, as we all know, was a wicket keeper.

S Katich – Found himself in a cricket career cave due to some horrific test form, but then his God, Bob Simpson, helped him, and thankfully we now have Katich shuttling around the crease for days on end.

M Sinclair – Impossible as it is to enjoy the way he plays, Sinclair is the one cricketer most likely to survive Sodom and Gomorrah. When the Kiwis are having a selectorial apocalypse, it is Sinclair they turn to. He will always live with us.

I Bell – If Bell truly was the son of God, Christianity would have died out by now. Instead Bell seems ordained by some higher power, perhaps Murdoch, to play the number 3 position for England. He coveted it while he had to wait out Pestilence (Shah), War (Bopara) and Famine (Trott) but he found his way back to number three.

M Hussey – Has never left heavenly earth, but what exactly was he doing between the age of 12 and 30.

K Pietersen – An outcast with his old religion he became the father, son and holy bail of a new one. It still hasn’t been smooth sailing, but he no longer has to bowl off spin, so that is good.

K Akmal – Crucified on the pitch for one of the most heretical displays of wicket keeping ever written about. But he will be back, you can’t keep a Pakistani cricketer away for too long. Even if he comes back as a kolpak.

A Flintoff – as was written.

N Hauritz – Outbowled by M Clarke and then shunned by his country, his state, and his knew state. One day four wise men decided to pick him up from the gutter he found himself in, and bugger me if he hasn’t stayed around since then.

S Bond – Needed to go on a spiritual adventure to India so that one day he could come back to New Zealand and tell them he was available for white ball games and then continued his spiritual adventure in India.

A Mendis – The man is full of mystery, but once you work it out, it is all kind of simple and you don’t really care anymore.

A Nehra – From a world cup final to the great abyss, but thanks to Lalit K, Nehra has been brought back so that we can all pray at his long limbs and permanent angry face.

J Patel (12th) – Is so good at being 12th man I couldn’t see why he wouldn’t do it for Jesus.

Had Simon Katich been born in New Zealand his whole career would make more sense.

An intelligent man with permanent three day growth, a batting technique that is rough on the eyes, some years in the wilderness, a failed career as a wrist spinner, and someone who struggles to convert fittys into hundreds.

Katich is a perpetual struggler.

Even when he is going well.

His career would be perfect for New Zealand, in almost any era.

Without him on the first day of the test Australia would have collapsed for a far more embarrassing total. Again.

Katich is making a habit out of making runs when no one else in the Australian team does.  He is like Michael Clarke if Michael Clarke’s technique was burnt in a vat of acid and he had to prove himself in every test.

In a team with one champion and a few great front runners, Katich sticks out.

The only other batsman Australia has who is willing to play ugly is his partner in grime, Michael Hussey.

Since the start of ’09 the Krab has been averaging a very solid 52 while making 3 hundreds and 10 fittys.

In his career, 12 times he has made between 75 and 99, only once was he not out.  In that time he has only made 6 scores in the 20s.

These are all important stats.  I am not sure what they mean, but whatever they mean, they mean a lot of it.

Katich averages 76 against the kiwis, maybe because he feels a deep spiritual bond with them.

This collapse has continued Australia’s run of getting bowled out at least once per series for less than 250, that run starts at the Bastard Monkey series of 07/08.

That deserves some applause. Ofcourse I could be wrong, I used all my research on Simon Katich.

Dictator Dan took wickets, but the rest of the media might mention that.

New Zealand set Australia 106 to chase, but even though it was only marginally more than 5 runs an over Australia could not get over the line. Australia’s record in 20 over chases outside Australia continues to be quite shit.

Phil Hughes, who sees all innings as auditions for the IPL incase he gets bad press again, was at his attacking best. In two overs he inspired 23 runs off New Zealand’s most trusted bowlers. This included a smack over mid on for six from Vettori and his normal ugly effectiveness against the quicks. Hughes bludgeoned 86 off 75 balls.

At the other end, Katich protested the whole 20 over concept, his strike rate of 27 was a personal statement on what form of cricket he likes best. Katich was in his complete krab like mode and refused to even pretend to score runs. In the past this would have lead to a fantastic collapse from Australia, but Hughes youthful excitement made the 20 over chase a possibility at times.

While Australia did miss out on winning in 20 overs, they won the moral victory by winning the test. Doug Bollinger kissed his underwear after the match and Ryan Harris’ chest swelled so much that no one could fit in the change room.

New Zealand’s two cricketers, Prince Brendon and Dictator Dan, must be a little disappointed that their side made 564 in total, being that they made 42% of them (I think that is right) between the two of them. Vettori is thinking of changing the batting order for the next match with Tuffey to go in at 3 and for Ingram to bowl medium pace when the other bowlers are tired.

Only the carrot of the IPL can keep the smiles on the faces of the New Zealand middle order marvels.

This game might seem like just another test, but it could be the last time Australia ever enforces the follow on. Even though they won by 10 wickets with their dicks in the air, it must have made them nervous once the chase went over 100. Their nerves must be shot.

It should also be mentioned that Phil Hughes now averages 51.25 in test cricket. It doesn’t mean much, but it makes me smile a little.