cricket with balls

When a cricketer walks down the wicket slogging in a crucial game there is a chance that if he misses it he will be out of this game, and perhaps out of the next one.

Cricket, and all sport, is tough like that.

You can be selected on performance, and de-selected on performance.

Cricket Administracrats do not have to worry about this.

They can fuck up for years without fear of demotion.

Even if their error has something to do with their side losing.

Look at the latest fuck up, Imran Tahir, the luscious leggie who is so cool we refuse to bag his alice band.  Mostly.

South Africa lucked into this world-class leg spinner because the dude loves to travel and found himself a wife in their country.

In April 09 he said he was qualified to play for South Africa.

No one questioned it.

Before that he had played in a Presidents XI match against Australia, so he was clearly a chance of international honours.

Then almost a year later he is supposedly qualified and gets picked for a squad when South Africa really need an attacking bowler to help them win, but instead they can’t pick him because he is not yet a permanent resident.  Surely something some official should have known before calling him into the squad.

If South Africa trusted that he was qualified in April 09, why did no one check then on the off chance he might be required?

At best it makes CSA look like a bunch of idiots who have shown that they don’t believe in their spinner but have no other player to replace him. At worst this could cost South Africa the series against England.

There is more though, because it seems that Tahir just doesn’t understand the rules, he thinks that he qualifies because it is four years since he played for Pakistan A, and now is only missing out because of paperwork.

That is not how the system works, as the Times points out (and I have read up on this boring shit before), you need to have lived in the country you wish to represent for at least 180 nights a year for four years.  The times doesn’t think Tahir has, and I have my doubts too.

While these errors were also Tahir’s, someone at CSA should have checked all this out at least two years ago when he was obviously trying to qualify.

And this isn’t some one off. Azeem Rafiq cost Yorkshire points when the played him when he didn’t have a UK passport. Darren “Eyelids” Pattinson played a couple of seasons for Victoria before playing for England, but technically he should have played all his games for Victoria as an overseas player before that, just no one noticed.  Surrey also did a great one when for the 08 season they tried to get Shoaib in for the last four games so they wouldn’t get relegated, by no one checked Shoaib’s visa so he only ended up arriving for the last two games.

Not that it mattered.  He looked shit anyway.

All of these, and there are probably heaps more, have either cost teams or could have cost teams on the field.

I wonder how many people were demoted or fired over it?

Ofcourse the ICC are experts at this kind of fuck up.  How often does an umpire or match referee get refused entry in a country due to visa problems?

But we know that no one gets fired from the ICC, how else would you explain Daryl Harper.

Has anyone even checked if Brendan Nash is Jamaican?  Or did he just rock up with a Marley T-shirt and say I’m one of you, gimme a game?

Buy my book, get a t-shirt, or donate to the whisky fund.

Drugs, warts, hitting blokes with bats, that hair, the secret love affair with Geoff Lawson and now liposuction.

Shoaib is too good for this site.

I try, but he is better.

I could never do an in bed with Shoaib, as anything I write could never full live up to what he could actually do.

If I wrote, “Shoaib brings a complete circus (freaks, animals and carnies) into the bedroom for foreplay”, the next week their would be a headline about Shoaib being caught fisting a tribe of intersex dwarves.

He is that special.

How could anyone have ever thought a headline with liposuction in it would be his future.

The man is special.

One day he will be gone, and I will be sad.

But for now I will rejoice in the fact the he is still here, although less of him, and that he will continue to entertain us off the field.

We can only hope he doesn’t get picked, so he gives himself more time to get into shit.

An ad agency sent me this, they wanted me to act as a cricket consultant.

I can’t see anything wrong with it.

I once stated that Michael Slater might read this site.

Hopefully he does, because the dude needs a slap for his latest media comments.

What is he talking about you may say, what could get Jrod slapping Slater? Ponting’s captaincy, Andrew McDonald’s selection, Mike Hussey’s golden run, or practically any praise for Andrew Hilditch.

No, Slater has weighed in with some WAG words, saying that WAGs shouldn’t be allowed on tour for the first two test matches of the Ashes.

I know.

The man who once had to publicly state he did not father another player’s child is talking about WAGs.

You have got to be shitting me.

If I was Slater I would never mention the phrase ‘player’ or ‘wife’ again.

That is one thing to admire about Slater, the complete lack of thinking before speaking.

What Adam Gilchrist makes of all this is in poor taste.

But they wouldn’t be called poor taste Michael Slater jokes if it wasn’t.

WAGs are one of the most controversial topics in sport, but this could be easily remedied.

All sportsmen should be gelded.

Imagine how good Shoiab would be with out a penis?

It would also help with wind resistance.

When it was reported that Shoaib Ahktar had a skin condition on his groin; I thought about writing a whole post about him having some STD.

I was going to write about oozing puss, scabby skin, and really freak you out.

But then I thought, no, that is TOO easy.

Way TOO easy.

Instead I wrote about Shoaib wearing Geoff Lawson’s skin as a coat.

Now the Pakistani’s are dropping Shoaib Ahktar because he has Genital Warts.

I don’t want to alert any Australians, but Shane Watson injured his groin in the series against Pakistan.

Now never having gay sex, I don’t know exactly how the logistics work, but it seems unlikely they would have been “cock to cock”, doesn’t it

However they could have accidently “crossed swords” if they were double-teaming a young lady.

Although I do prefer to think of them as a couple.

You might think that genital warts is the most embarrassing sexual injury that an administracrat can put in a press release it isn’t.

They could have said:
Shoaib is out because they gerbil cannot be removed.
Shoaib is out because his penis is split from obsessive-compulsive masturbation.
Shoaib is out because he has broken a rib trying to pleasure himself orally.

It is a wonderful day to be a blogger.