cricket with balls

Andrew Symonds has been dumped off the Australian Contract list.

Ofcourse.

Who replaces him?

Shaun Tait.

Some of you might say that is weird, a batting all rounder goes out, and a bowler comes in.

But if this isn’t the best case of like for like ever I don’t know what is.

One troubled case out, one troubled case in.

This is so the Cricket Australia Administracrats have something to do.

Otherwise everything will run so smoothly they will not be required.

And they would never let that happen.

Australia ‘a’ is playing the Pakistani ‘a’ side this winter.

It is up in Townsville, so they don’t really have winter up there.

The squad is full of new names, some of which haven’t even played a full year of shield cricket.

Fair to say it isn’t really an ‘a’ squad, but a development squad.

There is no Hodge, Symonds, Harris, Nannes, Noffke, McGain, or Magoffin in it.

In the squad are some odd and surprising selections.

Ryan Broad: Whose career average of 35 in first class cricket doesn’t really turn me on.

Jon Holland: Victoria’s replacement for the injured and nationally indisposed Bryce McGain, sure he shows promise, but perhaps an ‘a’ gig is too much praise for little actual wickets.

Burt Cockley: Still hardly plays for NSWales, but everyone keeps talking him up.

Moises Henriques: All he needs is a hamstring injury and he is the new Shane Watson.

But my favourite selection has to be Shaun Tait.

Now we know why he was being held back from the IPL, because he had ‘a’ one day games (wasn’t picked for the four day cricket) to play.

Cameron White (Victoria, captain), Adam Voges (WA, vice-captain), George Bailey (Tasmania), Doug Bollinger (NSW), Ryan Broad (Queensland), Burt Cockley (NSW), Callum Ferguson (South Australia), Brett Geeves (Tasmania), Moises Henriques (NSW), Jon Holland (Victoria), Michael Klinger (South Australia), Jason Krejza (Tasmania), Shaun Marsh (WA), Clint McKay (Victoria), Tim Paine (Tasmania), Shaun Tait (South Australia), David Warner (NSW).

The test squad for the Ashes seems pretty worked out, bar the two all rounders.

But what of the parallel universe, as they prepare for their series, we take a look through the wormhole at the make up of their team.

In that universe they pick squads on Tuesday. Obviously.

M North (captain) – Having cemented his captaincy after Shane Warne’s retirement he fires up the team with sensible slogans and common sense captaincy.

C White (vice captain) – When Cameron is not poisoning North’s meals he is the number 7 Australia has been waiting for since Ian Harvey retired, and his big turning leg breaks are unplayable.

S Katich – This stylish batsman doesn’t make many runs, but when he makes runs, the whole world sighs in orgasmic delight.

M Klinger – Struggling to perform as a Jew, Klinger has had the best run of his life since converting to Satanism.

B Hodge – Although suspected in the deaths of many of Australia’s best young batsmen, Hodge has never been charged, and his form is as good as ever. The selectors love his good nature ribbing.

D Hussey – Inspired by the tragic auto erotic asphyxiation of his brother, David becomes the worlds most dominant stroke maker.

M Cosgrove – Even though Cosgrove’s form is poor, he is selected for the tour on the basis that he gets his weight back up to over 120kgs. Coach Darren Lehmann remains confident he can gain the weight and form.

D Christian – Australia decide to follow the South African example and set a quota of one Aboriginal player in every test. After poor results bringing Jason Gillespie and Ryan Campbell out of retirement, they settle for Dan Christian, and find that he is shit hot.

L Carseldine – Is now technically steel than flesh, but the ICC is slow to move on banning bionic cricketers, and Lee’s metal torso body and titanium legs will be allowed in the ashes.

C Hartley – Is the best keeper in the world, averages 12 with the bat, but everyone knows you take the best keeper regardless of batting quality.

S Tait – Australia finally get the best out of Shaun Tait by employing Rodney Hogg as his full time carer. The two fall in love and get married in the lunacy room.

B McGain – Was humiliated by losing his test spot in South Africa after missing the flight over, but is fired up to star in his first test against England.

M Inness – Even though he had retired, experts realise that Matthew’s first class average was 2fucken5 and pick him for the tour.

D Pattinson – The man the Ashes hopes rely on. His 26 wickets against South Africa in only 3 tests was just about perfect fast bowling.

D Marsh – Some would say that Dan is an odd choice, especially since he is retired, but Chief Selector Rod Marsh said “we needed a hard bastard to toughen these fuckers up”.  Is picked to be the back up keeper/spinner/batsman.

They should do well against Rob Key’s England.

If Shaun Tait decides he wants to burn down Cricket Australia, I will happily help out.

When Cricket Australia said to Shaun Tait that he was banned from playing in the IPL because he was coming back from injury, I thought fair enough.

Obviously they want him for the World 2020 thingy, and they are protecting him.

Then he wasn’t picked, but Brett Lee was coming back from injury, and I thought well it’s harsh, but I ‘spose if Lee doesn’t pull up, Tait will be the man.

Now he has been axed from the 25 contracted players, and I am pissed off.

If they knew he wasn’t going to be in the top 25 Australian players, why were they stopping him playing in the IPL?

They used their last bit of contract to screw this young guy out of making some money in what has been a stop start career.

That’s just mean, man.

I’m not surprised, Andrew Hilditch has turned into a bit of a prickly prick of recent times.

His slagging off of Dirty Dirk Nannes was just uncalled for.

Perhaps he just has a problem with unorthodox proper quick bowlers.

Hilditch has thrown a biscuit on the floor in front of Shaun, “Shaun’s been quite clearly told that he’s very much in the mix for one-day cricket in particular,”.

My main question is this, Is this the best way to handle a man who only last year had to step down from the game for a rest (depression)?

You’d doubt it.

Ofcourse my past with Shaun is no pretty picture, I love the guys bowling, but don’t always agree with anything he has to say.