cricket with balls

Happy Jesus on a stick day. A day that is all about honouring someone who died so that we can all be perverts and animals, but you can’t eat steak, in case some is made of him.

In honour of Jesus dying I’ve compiled an XI of players who died, and were then reborn, or you know, other Christian type shit. Jesus, as we all know, was a wicket keeper.

S Katich – Found himself in a cricket career cave due to some horrific test form, but then his God, Bob Simpson, helped him, and thankfully we now have Katich shuttling around the crease for days on end.

M Sinclair – Impossible as it is to enjoy the way he plays, Sinclair is the one cricketer most likely to survive Sodom and Gomorrah. When the Kiwis are having a selectorial apocalypse, it is Sinclair they turn to. He will always live with us.

I Bell – If Bell truly was the son of God, Christianity would have died out by now. Instead Bell seems ordained by some higher power, perhaps Murdoch, to play the number 3 position for England. He coveted it while he had to wait out Pestilence (Shah), War (Bopara) and Famine (Trott) but he found his way back to number three.

M Hussey – Has never left heavenly earth, but what exactly was he doing between the age of 12 and 30.

K Pietersen – An outcast with his old religion he became the father, son and holy bail of a new one. It still hasn’t been smooth sailing, but he no longer has to bowl off spin, so that is good.

K Akmal – Crucified on the pitch for one of the most heretical displays of wicket keeping ever written about. But he will be back, you can’t keep a Pakistani cricketer away for too long. Even if he comes back as a kolpak.

A Flintoff – as was written.

N Hauritz – Outbowled by M Clarke and then shunned by his country, his state, and his knew state. One day four wise men decided to pick him up from the gutter he found himself in, and bugger me if he hasn’t stayed around since then.

S Bond – Needed to go on a spiritual adventure to India so that one day he could come back to New Zealand and tell them he was available for white ball games and then continued his spiritual adventure in India.

A Mendis – The man is full of mystery, but once you work it out, it is all kind of simple and you don’t really care anymore.

A Nehra – From a world cup final to the great abyss, but thanks to Lalit K, Nehra has been brought back so that we can all pray at his long limbs and permanent angry face.

J Patel (12th) – Is so good at being 12th man I couldn’t see why he wouldn’t do it for Jesus.

There was a “teenager” and his older brother.

A comeback kid.

A former captain.

A current captain.

A blogger with a fucked up finger.

And 32 runs.

While the world was watching the big three in action (Australia, India and England), the working class side and the team without a home fought out a proper piece of test cricket.

I saw highlights, and not many.

Sky showed the big three, but this test, and its excitement were not on show.

I don’t know how much pain was in IOB’s eyes. I don’t know how many nails Vettori bit. I can’t tell you whether Umar Akmal had a tear as he walked off. And I can’t tell you how close it felt to the fans who were watching it.

But I am sure it was good for cricket.

A test match coming down to the witching hour.

Two evenly matched teams clawing at each other’s throats.

Collapses, comebacks and teen dreams.

I wish I had seen the fucker.

Now let us all hope that IOB’s finger comes good so he can give us all the details of his heroism.

Oh, and I may have forgotten to say this earlier, but that guy with the sore finger wrote a chapter in my book.

In a move that is sure to piss off the cricket world, the world’s favourite nudger, Aaron ‘i slog for Otago’ Redmond, has been kicked off the New Zealand contracted players list.

I know what you are thinking, “what sort of superstar cricketer would have to come onto the list for someone of Redmond’s abounding class to be dropped?”

A 34 year old part time bowler.

Shocking.

I think I speak for all fans of world cricket when I say we want Aaron Redmond, but we can take or leave Shane Bond.

What has he ever done?

Taken some wickets against Australian, annoyed Lalit Modi, and broken down more than Shane Watson starring in Running man.

And now he is back from the Vladivostok cricket abyss that was the ICL.

I ‘spose that is ok, I like Bond, but why did it have to come at the expense of Aaron.

Also contracted by NZC, Walter Hadlee & Danny Morrison.

The rest of the ICL players were ignored.

When asked why players of the ilk of McMillan, Vincent and Harris were left out, Justin Vaughan said, “who?”

The mumbled mumblings out of New Zealand are about the ICL failing to pay their bills.

It has been a small story for a while, but now it looks like ICL may have to shed some heavyweights to afford to survive.

I can’t see it surviving it anyway.

But if they have to get rid of some of the big names it means Shane Bond, Mohammad Yusuf, and the other proper cricketers playing over there are a chance of coming back to test cricket.

That can’t be a bad thing.

For the non star players Tony Greig is on the case.

He will get their money. He would never be involved in a shady business dealing.

Would he.

Jacob Oram’s back is so bad, he is cancelling his modelling shoot on the gold coast, also the cricket tour he was going to play inbetween.

His back has never recovered from all the times he bent it bowling at his top pace.

Sorry.

It is so bad that he can’t play Australia.

Millions of Australian women are crying into their cereal this morning.

Jacob inspired mills & boon books are being burnt.

And women are cancelling their holidays.

An emotionally frail Australia may have been just the meal ticket for the perfect boyfriend.

Although the pitches with bounce might have troubled him, and that could have left Ian Smith in tears, actual man tears.

So perhaps this is all for the best.

New Zealand probably wont beat Australia regardless of the perfect boyfriends condition, but he would have been one of those X Factors I hear so much about.

He could have filled the day with 10 overs of that choking medium pace he likes so much.

And then popped in with the odd cameo when the Aussie bowlers were too tired to bowl short.

Instead he will be at home, and some South African no one in the world cares about will play.

It’s hardly the same thing now is it.

The tour will still be exciting, as Badonkadonk Ryder is involved.

Australia love a opposition cult figure, and the last one to turn up was Monty, and he bored the crap out of them.

So they need a bit of sumtin sumtin, and Jesse should be able to provide said flair.

In more New Zealand cricket news Shane Bond has come out and said he never wants to play for his country again after the way he was treated.

He will play for Indian millionaires though, they rock.

Imagine if all the cricketers in the world decided not to play for their country after they were treated badly.

Pakistan and the West Indies would never field a team.

Australia would have only Probots, more so than now.

And England would have a team of public school boys saying toodle pip and wishing they could be amateurs again.

Remember Shane, your country is more important than bumbling administracrats who can’t even appoint a coach.

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