cricket with balls

There was a “teenager” and his older brother.

A comeback kid.

A former captain.

A current captain.

A blogger with a fucked up finger.

And 32 runs.

While the world was watching the big three in action (Australia, India and England), the working class side and the team without a home fought out a proper piece of test cricket.

I saw highlights, and not many.

Sky showed the big three, but this test, and its excitement were not on show.

I don’t know how much pain was in IOB’s eyes. I don’t know how many nails Vettori bit. I can’t tell you whether Umar Akmal had a tear as he walked off. And I can’t tell you how close it felt to the fans who were watching it.

But I am sure it was good for cricket.

A test match coming down to the witching hour.

Two evenly matched teams clawing at each other’s throats.

Collapses, comebacks and teen dreams.

I wish I had seen the fucker.

Now let us all hope that IOB’s finger comes good so he can give us all the details of his heroism.

Oh, and I may have forgotten to say this earlier, but that guy with the sore finger wrote a chapter in my book.

In a move that is sure to piss off the cricket world, the world’s favourite nudger, Aaron ‘i slog for Otago’ Redmond, has been kicked off the New Zealand contracted players list.

I know what you are thinking, “what sort of superstar cricketer would have to come onto the list for someone of Redmond’s abounding class to be dropped?”

A 34 year old part time bowler.

Shocking.

I think I speak for all fans of world cricket when I say we want Aaron Redmond, but we can take or leave Shane Bond.

What has he ever done?

Taken some wickets against Australian, annoyed Lalit Modi, and broken down more than Shane Watson starring in Running man.

And now he is back from the Vladivostok cricket abyss that was the ICL.

I ‘spose that is ok, I like Bond, but why did it have to come at the expense of Aaron.

Also contracted by NZC, Walter Hadlee & Danny Morrison.

The rest of the ICL players were ignored.

When asked why players of the ilk of McMillan, Vincent and Harris were left out, Justin Vaughan said, “who?”

The mumbled mumblings out of New Zealand are about the ICL failing to pay their bills.

It has been a small story for a while, but now it looks like ICL may have to shed some heavyweights to afford to survive.

I can’t see it surviving it anyway.

But if they have to get rid of some of the big names it means Shane Bond, Mohammad Yusuf, and the other proper cricketers playing over there are a chance of coming back to test cricket.

That can’t be a bad thing.

For the non star players Tony Greig is on the case.

He will get their money. He would never be involved in a shady business dealing.

Would he.

Jacob Oram’s back is so bad, he is cancelling his modelling shoot on the gold coast, also the cricket tour he was going to play inbetween.

His back has never recovered from all the times he bent it bowling at his top pace.

Sorry.

It is so bad that he can’t play Australia.

Millions of Australian women are crying into their cereal this morning.

Jacob inspired mills & boon books are being burnt.

And women are cancelling their holidays.

An emotionally frail Australia may have been just the meal ticket for the perfect boyfriend.

Although the pitches with bounce might have troubled him, and that could have left Ian Smith in tears, actual man tears.

So perhaps this is all for the best.

New Zealand probably wont beat Australia regardless of the perfect boyfriends condition, but he would have been one of those X Factors I hear so much about.

He could have filled the day with 10 overs of that choking medium pace he likes so much.

And then popped in with the odd cameo when the Aussie bowlers were too tired to bowl short.

Instead he will be at home, and some South African no one in the world cares about will play.

It’s hardly the same thing now is it.

The tour will still be exciting, as Badonkadonk Ryder is involved.

Australia love a opposition cult figure, and the last one to turn up was Monty, and he bored the crap out of them.

So they need a bit of sumtin sumtin, and Jesse should be able to provide said flair.

In more New Zealand cricket news Shane Bond has come out and said he never wants to play for his country again after the way he was treated.

He will play for Indian millionaires though, they rock.

Imagine if all the cricketers in the world decided not to play for their country after they were treated badly.

Pakistan and the West Indies would never field a team.

Australia would have only Probots, more so than now.

And England would have a team of public school boys saying toodle pip and wishing they could be amateurs again.

Remember Shane, your country is more important than bumbling administracrats who can’t even appoint a coach.

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Dear Sirs/Madams,

According to my website, New Zealand is everyone’s second favourite side.

Personally, I have never really liked New Zealand, but that is a Russell Crowe related issue.

Being that no one in New Zealand cares much about cricket, except for them, them and them, you have had a free ride.

Your free ride stops here.

New Zealand are missing one key ingredient in a cricket side, the heavy handed fast bowler.

Sure your version is only heavy handed on those rare cases he isn’t injured, but he still has what is known as “THE PACE”.

Kyle Mills, an admirable extra from 300 spartans, is a decent bowler, but he does not have “THE PACE”.

Iain O’Brien, an admirable extra from turtles can fly, bowls a tight line and length, but he does not have “THE PACE”.

And Chris Martin, an admirable extra from The Warriors, bis more than handy, but he does not have “THE PACE”.

The one bowler with “THE PACE”, is currently plying his trade for some county side, playing in front of 4 school kids and a handful of guys with glaucoma.

That is more of a crowd than a New Zealand test match, but surely he could be used for test matches.

One avid fan has devised a scheme to get your man back into the fray, but you have ignored it.

So, now I feel the need to tell you administracrats some home truths.

New Zealand, with Bond, not bad, watch your back.

New Zealand, without Bond, pretty average, 20 wickets seem alot.

The ICL furore has been sorted, people chose to ignore it.

The IPL is bankrupting bowling alleys, Salman Khan has been banished to Australia, and it’s killing the infomercials in the ratings.

They do not care about Shane Bond, and the ICL anymore, so slip him in now while the finals are on.

Call him Iain O’Brien, give him an spikey hair do, and make him smile like he just met a girl in a chat room, no one will know.

I promise.

No one takes that much notice of New Zealand anyway.

So take advantage of it.

Bring Back Bondy.

Or Angry Mark Gillespie, anyone that will actually entertain us.