cricket with balls

Rudolf Eric Koertzen. A name sufficiently Germanic to strike a tremor in the heart of a batsman, and that is before he set foot on the cricket field.

The thing about Random Rudi is that he always was, well, Random Rudi. You knew exactly what you were going to get with him – the odd decision so brilliant that you thought ‘How the hell did he get that right?’, balanced by the howler that made you think ‘How the hell did he get that wrong?’.

There is a myth that his decision making became increasingly flawed over the years. Yes, he was one of the umpires who cocked up the end of the 2007 World Cup Final, but he was one of four who got that wrong and, frankly, it was utterly hypocritical of the ICC to suspend any of them for a mistake in a tournament which they themselves had so comprehensively buggered in the first place.

Rudi was never a showy umpire like Bowden on Shepherd, but neither was  he a blend-into-the-background type. The closest he came to a trademark was his ’slow death’ finger of dismissal and even then it was no slower than Bucknor’s. In fact, when in recent times he grew a beard, there were many diehard fans who failed to recognise him at all.

Sometimes we expect too much from our umpires. We expect them to be infallible, when we allow the players to be less than that. In an age where umpiring is increasingly scrutinised by technology, it is arguable that Rudi did his reputation no favours by staying on for the last couple of years, allowing his reputation as a fine umpire who was respected by the players to be tarnished. On the other hand, it is to his credit that he didn’t go sooner and submitted himself to that kind of interrogation.

In truth, in the mythical match where you are having to bat for your life, you wouldn’t want to have Rudi at the other end. You’d want someone less likely to give you ought caught off your thigh. Or shoulder. Or teeth. If, on the other hand, you wanted to know that the guy at the far end was utterly unscrutable but quite likely to have a drink with you after the game, Rudi was your man. As we usher in an age where television is increasingly the arbiter and all an umpire needs to do is to count to six, we may never see umpires as good as we have now again. Which it is why it is a shame that any of them – even those you may not be greatly enamoured of – retire. You’ll miss Koertzen more than you think you will.

Rudi: Billy, Billy, wake up Billy.

Billy: What? Yes.

Rudi: Did you see it Billy?

Billy: See what?

Rudi: The catch.

Billy: Who took a catch, was it good?

Rudi: Andrew took it, weren’t you watching?

Billy: Yes, I was.

Rudi: Was it a catch?

Billy: You said it was.

Rudi: Ok, try and follow me, did Strauss take the catch?

Billy: Yes.

Rudi: Are you sure, or should we go upstairs?

Billy looks around.

Billy: There are no stairs here Rudi.

Rudi: Right. Ok, I think it was a catch, so I am going to say it was a catch, you are going to agree with me.

Billy: Ofcourse Rudi.

Rudi: This is my hundredth test, and I say it was a catch.

Billy: Yes Rudi.

Rudi: Ricky, that is out.

Ricky: Aren’t you going to refer it?

Rudi: 100 tests, remember.

Ricky: Listen here you pile of cocksweat, you referred that one yesterday how about some fucking consistency for fucks sake.

Rudi: Ricky, please, this is my 100th test, show some respect.

Ricky: Lick my ass you fucken waste of sperm.

England actually put up a good fight, not good enough, but good.

But there were many factors in this game that propelled Sri Lanka above their station.

Sanath’s last stand, the man will only retire once, well surely only once in this series.

Murali’s record, he can’t beat Warne again, not unless is in the category of most women hit on in a three test series.

And Vaas is only going to play his 100th test once, i’d assume.

So it can only get better for England, can’t it?

Well all except for the King and the working class Hoggard.

Kumar looks even more unstoppable now than he did in Hobart.

England’s best chance of getting him out now seems to lie with Rudi Koertzen being flown in to umpire the next test.

And Hoggard not playing in the next test is like going to Maccas and buying a fresh and healthy option, its still McDonalds, but it just don’t feel right.

The first test ended up being a pretty damn good affair, if England can cover Hoggard and somehow get Kumar out, we might have a really interesting test series on our hands.

Remember those?