cricket with balls

How do you know your cricket community has gone to shit?

You burn a toy that relates to the wrong country.

If these Pakistanis had any pride in their effigy they’d burn Apu from the simpsons.

This is sloppy fucken work, and if I was the insane bastard in charge of a posse batshit crazy enough to burn things, I’d at least get the metaphors right.

I assume the group, Pakistani Unified Burnt Effigies Syndicate,  had this toy ready expecting Ponting to anally rape Yousuf at the toss, or start throwing shoes at Umar Akmal, and when he didn’t they had the Tassie Devil (a token character, as he hasn’t lived there in how long?) taking up space.

Someone probably said, what does Lalit Modi look like, and someone else said, a smug prick, the first dude probably said, Ricky Ponting is a smug prick.

See how easy these things can get out of hand.

What they need is strong leadership, is Shoaib Malik free?

I was at the bullring, the current location of England’s collapse, when Ricky Ponting made the Indian attack look like you, me and your mate Dave bowling to him during a world cup final.

I’ve seen him make runs on three continents.

I remember his first test innings, and Arjuna tapping him in a sympathetic way after a shocking LBW.

I’d say I have seen a shitload (the technical term) of his runs.

So when I say I haven’t seen him bat worse than yesterday and make runs, it isn’t some rambling of a drunk with no short term memory, even if I am drunk and my memory is shit.

The first session was just horrible.

On twitter all I could was describe it with a shit joke, “I dated a girl once who had no thumbs, her pulling was still better than ponting’s.”

Ponting could not pull, and yet, in a twist that a movie of the week would love, he couldn’t stop.

Every pull shot was met with a weird part of his body or bat.

The Pakistanis thought it was funny, and they were right.

But bloody Ricky wouldn’t give up, and somehow, without any logic involved, he ended up with his first hundred in 10 tests.

I’ve seen all of those tests, this was the worst he batted, only because he couldn’t have played worse.

I’ve said many a time that he isn’t the batsmen he used to be, but he is still one grumpy mother fucker.

The hairs on his goblin arms were at full attention for all of yesterday, and as we know, they contain special powers.

This wasn’t vintage Ricky, this was vinegar Ricky, but he still made it work.

Many cricket fans believe that Ponting’s pulling days are gone, but Ponting will not let go.

“Wait until I get fit again and we’ll see if everyone is still saying the same thing about it then. They are such reactive moments, they are instinctive. I’m not sure how people in the past have gone about putting it away. While I can see, I will pull.

I think I have been caught out twice this summer pulling, I’m not embarrassed, it is something that gives me a lot of pleasure so we’ll see how we go with that. But as I said, if I get my elbow right then I think you’ll see me pulling  a lot more.

I stopped doing it for the first time the other day midway through the Test match, when all the negative stuff was in the papers about the team and about certain individuals and selecting of the team”.

But if the day comes where I think there is someone better than myself, then by all means I will give it some thought, but I still think I’m the best equipped to be pulling in the Test side. Hopefully I can show everybody that over the next few weeks.”

If pulling pleases him, he should continue.

Buy my book, get a t-shirt, or donate to the whisky fund.

How else could you explain a super aggressive declaration that even Steven Fleming would have been proud of?

Add the fact that Ponting now struggles against the short ball and has to wear an arm guard and you need no more proof.

Obviously this new Ponting is some sort of poor clone, which explains why he doesn’t make hundreds any more.

He was brought in to give Ponting a break, but the Australian team has a fear of playing without him, so this clone (possibly a Raelian clone) is there to make the team feel better.

But, as we all know, clones can’t captain.

So with him around, Katich, or perhaps North, has staged some sort of coup, and decided to captain the Australian team with some real intent.

No bowling Mike Hussey for run rates, no declaring when everyone who can hold a bat has had a bat and no letting the nightwatchman (no captain is perfect) block all day.

I like this new captain, if we could combine him with the original version of Ponting (for his batting) then Australia might have something.

There is also a chance that this is the real Ponting, and that his sore arm was having a spasm in the dressing room and Clarke thought he was declaring.

Both of those are more likely than Ricky Ponting suddenly deciding to be an attacking captain.

Obviously.

With Ricky Ponting possibly missing the boxing day test, Australia need a replacement.

A few names have been chucked around.

George Bailey. Smiles alot, finally having his break out season.

Shaun Marsh. Used to drink alot, finally making regular runs this season.

Michael Klinger. Makes alot of runs, usually by putting attacks to sleep.

Phil Hughes. Made a hundred recently, against an attack with Andrew McDonald opening the bowling.

Any random NSWales player. Due a cap, Usman to debut against Pakistanis could be tough.

Mark Cosgrove. Is making lots of runs, is eating lots of pizzas.

Mitchell Marsh. Is the talk of the town, has made no FC hundreds.

Adam Voges.  Has no weddings planned, is missing a few runs.

David Hussey. Imagine that, no I can’t.

I am sure all of these players will get someone tooting their horn if Ponting’s arm doesn’t come good.

But fuck them all (sorry FPM).

I think Australia should go in a completely different direction altogether.

They need a cricketer who doesn’t take himself too seriously, one who has made over 500 runs in 6 games this year, one without corporate ambitions, and one who likes You Am I.

The choice is simple.

Smooth Eddie Cowan.

He is now officially sanctioned by cricket with balls.

Mr Hilditch, you may select him, smooth Eddie for Boxing day.

And he isn’t even Victorian.

The ashes book.