cricket with balls

Occasionally at the balls we get given a post written by cricketers or officials. We posted a few of them a while back under the name of the omitted. Since then we have received heaps more, but in general they are either something that will get us sued, or weird. But of recent times we have have received one, and as it appears to be a letter, we thought it would be rude not to share it with Mr Waugh. Obviously, we will never reveal the name of the person who wrote this.

Dear Mark Waugh,

Please stop all this Steve Smith dribble.

Yes, the boy has some ability.

Yes, he has cleared the boundary in a few big bash and One day games.

Yes, he turns his leg break and warney reckons he ok.

Yes, he looks like the retarded 12 year old love child of a seminal mix from Cameron “downsyndrome” White and his fat NSW team mate with the same surname.

Yes, he has only taken 11 wickets at 75 and made 1 hundred in first class cricket… oh, whoops… not sure if you knew that one. You tool.

But I do see some reasoning behind your push to see this pubescent Sydney-sider in a baggy green. There is after all only 6 blue-baggers in the current Australian test side, 7 if you count Ponting, which you should because his wife refuses to grant him permission to visit the Apple isle for anything paying less than a test match.

This number of players from New South Wales is clearly nowhere near enough, is it, Mark. As we all know the blues have been the benchmark of the competition for the last few years. Get some more of them in there please Andrew Hilditch. Oh… that’s right, you’ve tried to. Lets revisit a few of these:

Phil Hughes – Fair enough the kid can play, but it is a statistical fact that he has never scored a run on the leg side. EVER! Its true. Look it up. He also still has stains in his dacks form the last bloke who decided to bump him at more than 140km/h.

Phil Jaques – Scored a few runs at test level, and probably deserves another crack, but no one wants to watch the fucker bat. He is uglier than Kim Clijsters. And he throws like a 60-year-old woman.

Beau Casson – good tour of the west indies but seems to have forgotten how to bowl. Did do himself the honour of no-balling himself out of the game by bowling too many full bungers on one occasion though.

Burt Cockley – Please… even Big burt was offended with his call-up. Bowls a mean half-volley.

So Junior, please do us a favour and stop pumping up yet another NSW player. In-fact, you could go one step further, and after brushing, rinse your mouth out with undiluted Sulfuric acid. This will help to endear you to the thousands of viewers that have had the displeasure of hearing your dribble.

You are in fact a cunt.

Even your butt-ugly 65 year-old missus dumped you.

Yours truly

The Omitted

Australia hadn’t played a test when Byrce McGain was sent home.

Phab Phil Jaques was sent home without any real fanfare.

And now The Perfect Boyfriend, Jacob Oram, the key to New Zealand’s test win is going home.

Add in Stuart Clark’s elbow and the fact Chris Martin, everyone’s favourite guy who looks like a date rapist but is a swell fella, didn’t even make the trip.

Are White players this afraid of Darker nations that they will purposefully injure themselves.

Obviously.

Oram’s injury is his lower back, this would imply that he bent it, we know better.

Jaques injury was his back, this was from imitating the Krab Katich in the nets.

Shaun Marsh has been sent over to replace Jaques.

New Zealand would love to have a player of Shaun Marsh’s calibre as a replacement.

They would love to have a player of his calibre.

They would love to have a player available to send over of any calibre.

They would love players.

They would love a population.

Things have got desperate.

New Zealand has put up an ad in the Wellington Daily Gazette Mail.

Country seeking international cricketer:

The ideal player is someone who cares about others, is able to start things off slowly and defer to Brendan for photo shoots.

Must be: prepared to wear whites, have a knowledge of cricket, looking for a long term commitment, still considers themselves kiwi or willing to pretend or do the accent from time to time, submit to a physical by Ian Smith, likes flight of the conchords, BBM accepted, GSOH and must like Water sports.

Must not be: cops, better than Brendan, not be signed to rebel leagues or English leagues on contracts that can’t be broken, a Marhsall.

Turn ons: draws, one dayers, South African professionals, spinners who become batsmen, the IPL, and glasses.

Turn offs: 4 or 5 test series, specialist openers, anyone too quick, wrist spinners batsmen who show off with averages over 45.

We’ve been hurt before so we want to be sure that I’m completely ready and totally trust a person before we get too involved. We are also looking for someone who likes to travel, but mostly to the white safe countries.

Uniform provided, coach is not.

So far they have received 214 applications, all from M Sinclair.

The search continues.

Return to frontpage

We were told that the new incarnation of the Krab was less faulty, more debonair and overall an A plus model.

He had shed his technical flaws, scored at will, and gave your car a spit polish that you could see yourself in.

His knock in the 2nd innings was proof of all of that.

Sure he makes more runs now, but has he changed?

Or infact, can a Krab change its spots?

He still has the same technical flaws as always, he just seems to be scoring more.

He still looks like an early morning puke session, but his place is assured.

He is the sort of guy Ponting likes, in his 30’s, gets the job done, doesn’t spend long in front of the mirror or the cameras, and Ponting knows him.

Ponting seems to like these kind of players, guys who have spent years on the circuit, are match toughened, and are nearing expiry.

So he is standing up for the Krab, saying his 30 off 1200 balls, was a good because the pitch was tough, the spinners were buzzing, and the moon was aligned to make krabs bat slowly.

We get it Ponting, you are backing your man, he is the one you want, and you don’t want to hear him criticised.

What about Phabulous Phil Jaques?

Didn’t he used to open?

Why don’t we hear you sing similar songs for Phil anymore?

Wasn’t he successful?

It’s all well and good backing the man in the team, but once they go, you just substitute your praise for the next man in.

Jaques was bagged for getting out when he shouldn’t, you stood up for him, and he is gone.

Katich is bagged for being slow, you stood up for him….

Tis a bit hollow.

Phabulous Phil Jaques was Australia’s opening batsman.

He wasn’t perfect, his technique was similar to a drunken squash player, he lost patience at times we wished he wouldn’t, and he wasn’t pretty, in any way.

But he made runs, a hundred in his last innings, and he averaged 47 and we were starting to like him.

Mostly.

The Krab Katich however, had been tried, and tried, and tried.

The selectors kept him on as long as they could, then eventually with a heavy heart they got rid of him, but now he is back, and he has entrenched himself into the top order like a tick with the 2 hundreds on his matthew hayden is injured tour.

Now it seems that in India the Krab is to be Hayden’s partner.

For the last and most important warm up game, katich has been chosen.

If that isn’t saying what i think it is saying, then it’s no more cheese and crackers for Jaques.

He has been usurped by his team mate, his friend, his fellow weirdly techniqued batsman.

Why?

Did Jaques underperform?

In the Windies he made one hundred, and one 70odd, to Katich’s two hundreds.

Is it because Katich is a better player of spin?

Perhaps…

Is it because Katich can bowl something resembling spin?

Possibly…

Is it because the selectors have a hard on for Katich that could bring down sky scrapers.

You bet it is.

Sorry Phabulous, you thought you were the new opener, it looks as if you were warming the seat for the Krab’s magnificent return.

After my “No comment” from Bryce McGain, I was pretty fired up to get comments from other cricketers about Lord Stuey’s departure.

So I contacted every player in the West Indies to get their reaction.

They all said variations of “He was a champ, we will miss him” and none of them had the power or concise nature of Bryce’s words.

But one man had the balls to ball cricket with balls his true feelings.

Phil Jacques said this,

“I am fu©king ecstatic that Lord Long hop has finally decided to fuck off.

Do you have any idea what it is like to be at short leg when he bowls three full bungers and two long hops an over?

It’s freakin scary.

You know I had the mumps earlier this year, my balls are still swollen, and Lord Fancy pants is throwing up little Jacques killers ball after ball.

I’m glad the bastard is gone.”

Strong words I’m sure you’ll agree.

But you’ve got to hand it to him for being honest, and for naming his sausage little Jacques.