cricket with balls

Take it from me, commentary isn’t easy. You have to know what you are talking about, be able to describe things and think on your feet. And not swear. Not swearing is very important – unless you book Jrod, in which case you ought to know what you are getting and plan to pay the fines accordingly.

And sometimes you just have to keep talking. The stunt that was pulled on Henry Blofeld in his first BBC commentary is now the stuff of legend. I used to do audio commentary for the blind, where you have to keep talking or the audience really do think you’ve buggered off for a pint.

Similarly, I yield to no-one in my admiration for David Lloyd. If anyone has managed to blend insight with humour, wit with intelligence, in cricket commentary, it is Bumble. But tonight, he went too far.

The point of no return was when Bangladeshi wicket-keeper Mushfiqur Rahim managed to get himself smacked in the face by the ball. Now, I can forgive him for omitting to point out that this could only happen to Rahim, who is not only the smallest player I have ever seen in international cricket but possibly the smallest cricketer ever. Keeping wicket without a helmet was, for him, either ridiculously brave or ridiculously stupid. What I can’t forgive is the stick that he then proceeded to give to Rahim’s replacement, batsman Junaid Siddique.

Keeping wicket isn’t a simple job. Just ask Matt Prior. Being asked to do it at a moments notice is even harder, especially if you are not a regular ‘keeper. Junaid (or ‘Zunead’ as he seems to now prefer, which sounds like a Marvel Comics villain to me) was thrown in at the deep end by a management who didn’t think it worth bringing a second keeper on a fortnight’s tour.

I’ve done this stand-in keeper thing once myself, when my then-club’s temperamental Aussie keeper Treacle suddenly decided after 15 overs that he had had enough and wanted a bowl, ripped off his pads and refused to put them on again. It’s the most difficult thing you will do on a cricket pitch, for so many reasons. So when Bumble started laughing when Zunead let through five wides in his first over, I bristled. After all, if the bowler chucks the ball way down the leg side when he knows that he’s not got a regular keeper behind the stumps, where does the blame really lie?

There then followed patronising comment after comment during the rest of his commentary shift, a theme which was picked up by the lesser commentators on the Sky team. It was all extremely unfair to a man doing his level best in difficult circumstances.

Moreover, in the past few years, England have utilised Marcus Trescothick, Vikram Solanki, Paul Collingwood and Eoin Morgan as wicketkeepers in ODIs – the latter two in the same injury circumstances as forced Zunead to take over. I don’t remember the same level of snide commentary being directed at any of their efforts.

In this utterly pointless series, it is going to be hard for anyone to enhance their reputation. But David Lloyd and his colleagues demonstrated tonight that is still going to be easy to sully it.

I’ve decided to pick a team of football from what cricket has to offer.  It wouldn’t win the world cup, but I think I’d enjoy watching them play.

Striker

Sachin– sure he is not gifted with the most athletic frame, but like a non mental Diego Maradonna more than makes up with it with the ability to score at will and carry a team.  Has had some pretty handy world cups already.

Striker

Pollard – big strong and has great club form, picked for his ability to turn only a few opportunities into goals.  People worry that he has never done anything at international level to justify his millionaire status.  He doesn’t seem to mind.  Probably not adverse to the odd dive and handy with headers.

Left Midfield

Sulieman Benn – Occasional brilliance is often overshadowed by talk of his height and temper.  Only player to be sent off by his own captain after a bad tackle and bad attitude.  It is never clear if he ever tries to actually hit the ball in a tackle.

Centre Midfield

Ponting– Scores more than most, but is still a very heavy handed defender.  Is quick, plays well of both feet, is a winner, but can lose his temper at times. Has won at the top level a few times before. Doesn’t like being substituted.

Centre Midfield

Mark Boucher – A tough team player.  Like a rugged family sedan, once you have him there you’d know that spot was well taken care of.  Yet you’d still drop him from time to time to see if you have someone younger or flashier.  He might misread how much injury time is left in big games.

Right Midfield

Paul Collingwood – Often thought of as nothing more than a defender who plays midfield, yet he can score on occasions and is always important at the end of matches.  Only has a right foot, and this often makes his ungainly style look even uglier than it would normally.

Left Back

Ray Price – Hard as nails, ready to hack you just for fun, always slower than the men he is defending.  No one ever gets past him with the ball and their shins.

Centre Back

Charl Langeveldt – Steady, consistent, easily droppable, and dependable.  He will have been in and out of the team for years.  The sort of defender that gets no headlines but does the job when you can’t find anyone better.

Centre Back

Kumar – Silky smooth defender that makes the opposition strikers feel ungainly in comparison.  Always takes a piece of the ball, is the captain, penalty taker, and pin up boy of the team.  Also the most likely to put off the opposition when they’re taking a penalty.

Right Back

Harbhajan Singh – An attacking insane defender who loves to take free kicks from 40 yards believing that he can score a goal.  Mostly he’ll miss by a mile, but every now and then he’ll score.  Will also be red carded for the occasional slap.

Keeper

Rahul Dravid – Nothing gets past Rahul.  Sure there are times he is less animated than an East German goal keeper, but would you ever back yourself to get through him?

Manager

Jamie Siddons – All the best managers have trouble keeping their emotions in check, Siddonds fits  this well.  With him in full view of the cameras you can really see the veins almost explode in his head as the other team score.

One of the great things about cricket is the fact that it is so unpredictable. Every day, the fan is faced with intriguing possibilities. What new way will the ICC find to screw up a tournament? How many inches will Stuart Broad have grown overnight? And whose turn is it to be captain of Pakistan this week?

Today’s surprise? Well, it wasn’t England’s mauling of Sri Lanka. Watching England at the moment is a bit like watching a drunk walking along a bridge parapet in the small hours of a Sunday morning – you know it is all going to end in a nasty squishy mess, but predicting the point at which the fall will come is somewhat trickier. And because so many people predicted that they would drop off the edge, they somehow clung on.

No, the surprising thing was how they did it, and particularly how one particular player did it. Today was the day that Kevin Pietersen turned into one of the elder statesmen of cricket (at least for the afternoon).

It started with the frowning and disgusted shake of the head as Tim Bresnan attempted to gift Sri Lanka a whole over of wides.

Then he came into bat right after Lasith Malinga had cleaned up Craig Kieswetter with a trademark yorker. The old KP would’ve swiped at the first ball, desperate to get off the mark. The new version calmly blocked another, less well directed, yorker and then bunted the next ball to mid-on for that duck-breaking single.

And so it continued. No rash shots, no hand-switching sweeps. In fact the Sri Lankans appeared perplexed by his habit of wandering down the pitch and nudging the ball for a single, rather than trying to batter it out of the ground over mid-wicket. And he certainly didn’t regard being a dozen runs from victory as an excuse to charge down the wicket and twat the ball straight up in the air, as his captain did.

Pietersen the Responsible. Who’d have thought it. Honestly, anyone would think he’d become a parent or something.

I freely admit that, fortunately, I have absolutely no idea what sex feels like for a woman, let alone what really bad sex feels like for one. But I am pretty sure that it goes something along the lines of a long, slow, build-up that sets every nerve ending on edge, followed by frenetic excitement which builds towards a tremendous moment of ecstasy and release of tension, only for the other party to get there first and finish off, just as you were about to meet your own glorious climax.

I’m also pretty sure that this must be how the Bangladesh side are feeling right now, having had England explode prematurely all over them in Dhaka.

Only Shakib Al Hasan knows why, when his spinners had taken 7 of the 8 England wickets to fall, he entrusted the final over to a quick bowler, Shafiul Islam, who was at that point not only his most conventional bowler, but his most expensive one. England’s tailenders had already shown that they couldn’t play spin. Wright, Bresnan and Swann had all perished to the most moronic of shots. Shakib himself had been played like he was the reincarnation of Hedley Verity and, although he had no overs of his own left, he had Mahmudullah and Naeem Islam available to bowl and to keep the pace off the ball.

Instead, Eoin Morgan, England’s least conventional batsman, took full advantage as Shafiul wilted under the pressure, seeing England to a win that ended up being far more comfortable than they deserved.

It is doubtful that they will make the same mistake again. Then again, it is doubtful that England will bat that badly again, either. Bangladesh had showed what needed to be done. Every batsman bar Aftab Ahmed (whose continued inclusion in the side is more baffling than anything Shakib bowled) played themselves in before making runs. For England, Kieswetter, Pietersen and Collingwood, as well as the three mentioned above, all fell to poor shots played before they were properly in. There aren’t many attacks in the world in which you could chuck six wickets away with gay abandon and still win – and if this Bangladesh side keep improving at their current rate, no side will be able to be this careless in the future, either.

In the end, though, whilst the performance may have been a lot better, it was still England who went away sated and Bangladesh who were left crying into their pillow.

There are people out there that believe England’s trip to South Africa is less about competition and more about recruiting.

That is unfair, and funny.

Their trip to South Africa is about their love of draws.

And not just any draws, but four and a half days of lifeless cricket, and then a final afternoon that wakes up anyone who has accidentally left the TV on.

This is the 4th test of 09 that England has produced a thrilling end after days of wrist slicing tedium.

4 times have we said, fuck the win, what a draw. And 4 times have we fallen asleep earlier in the match.

We have to thank England for exciting us.

Whether it is with a collapse like the last two, or by not getting out Fidel Edwards they know how to draw.

Most teams just play shitty draws that people hate.

Not England, they are the kings of the crowd pleasing draws.

In the future English fans might boo victories, wishing for the rush from that plucky draw with the classic not quite complete collapse or the moral indignation that comes with not getting the tenth wicket because of a bad declaration.

Looking at South Africa’s run rate in the first dig, and England’s ability to lose 6 wickets in a session today, this series could keep all these English draw enthusiasts happy for a while yet.

If it means seeing the Bruce Willis of Nudgers, Collingwood, doing his batting impression of dragging himself through the remains of his dead comrades as mortar drops around him and a tailender batting better than Ian Bell, I will tune in for it.

Viva la draw.

There is more than a little about England’s nail biting draw in this book.