cricket with balls

10.  Tony Grieg arrives at your door step.

“No need to grovel, I’ll happily come in and spend all night chatting to you and your Asian bride”.

9.  You could be giving birth to a child and ask for a an epidural and have Allan Border come in.

“If you can’t hack it, let’s get a tough Queenslander out here - get me Greg Ritchie”.

8.  You could find yourself in a 7 hour press conference of a former great international as he battles rumours that he is gay.

“I’m not gay, not that there is anything wrong with that, some of my best friend’s are gay, my brother is.”.

7.  You could be on a beach in the Caribbean when two joints are thrown onto your lap by Pakistani cricketers who see the cops coming.

“Our religion forbids us from putting anything like that in our bodies.”

6.  Allen Stanford could sit on your lap.

“I’ve learnt a lot of oral presentation skills in jail”.

5.  By accident you could pick up Mohammad Asif’s bag.

“No I didn’t pack it, and to be honest, I’m just a goat herder.”

4.  Find yourself sitting to Darrell Hair on a 24 hour flight the day after spot fixing allegations against Pakistanis.

“I Fucken told you, I told you all, I did, every one of you, ha ha, and Murali is a chucker.”

3.  Make a “your mumma is so” joke to any of Glenn McGrath’s children.

“If you ever mention my Fucken mum again…”

2.  Wake up in a soundproof basement at Andre Nel’s house secured to a metal slab.

“Rise and shine, Samit. You’re probably wondering where you are. I’ll tell you where you might be. You might be in the room that you die in”.

1.  Develop a mental condition that means that every part of your life is commentated on by Laxman Sivaramakrishnan.

“Oh what a wonderful crap that is, it’s struggling to get out though, this is a real tough one now.  She is really straining, will she be able to come through this?”

I want to work in cricket.

Not because it makes me rich, not because I’ll ever play for my country, and not because I think it is a cool job.

I do it because cricket is something that I love.

Since I was a child it has been the one constant in my life.  My first overseas trip was for cricket.  When I was a kid I slept with a new bat in my dead.  My Friday afternoons were all about working out the best fielding positions for the next day.  I spent days on end sitting the MCG with no one else watching the vics.  The delivery of the cricket gear catalogue was more spiritual than anything else in my life.

Right at the moment I don’t like cricket.

I fucken hate it.

I’m so sick and tired of this shit.

It makes me sick.

This whole thing makes me doubt the game I love, the game I grew up with.

Cricketers should be paid more, but there isn’t a cricketer in this test match who will make less than I will this year.  Or last year, or the year before.

But this isn’t just about money.  It’s the Fucken nerve, the Fucken spinelessness, the Fucken abuse.

I’m so Fucken angry at these assholes of cunts.  Those who set it up, those who benefit from it, and those who do it.

I’m assuming that most people reading this, and the person who wrote it, would play for his country for free.  Or at least, what ever a plumber gets.

Some people are just cunts, and they don’t deserve cricket.  And cricket sure as shit doesn’t deserve them.

I cannot fully articulate how angry I am right now.

The game I love has never been clean, but this just seems worse.

Probably because it is in a test match.

But it just feels Fucken horrible right now.

Like someone has cheated on me.

I’m not naïve about spot fixing, I’ve written more than a few pieces about it.  I know it goes on.  But in pointless ICL, IPL or Pro40 games.

This is way Fucken worse.

I’ve never forgiven Hansie Cronje, and I sure as shit wont forgive anyone here either.

No one is guilty yet, that doesn’t make this any better.

I’ve read the transcripts, seen the video and read all the articles.  I want it to be fake, but it doesn’t feel fake.  It feels wrong, because when i read or watch it, i feel sick in my stomach.

I talked to a friend on the phone, both he and I knew that fixing was around, but this still rocked both of us.  I could barely talk, he was breaking down.

We are grown men, men that love and work in cricket. But this just hits you, even if you thought it was a possibility. Even if you thought it could have been happening.  To read the details just hurts.

My game, fucked.

Maybe some of the details from NOTW are wrong, but something has happened, I saw those no balls live, I don’t need news channels showing them to me with a photoshopped circles around them.  They looked dodgy at the time, we even joked on test match sofa that it was like the no balls that David Saker used to bowl on purpose back in club cricket.

Fuck.

This is just complete shit.

I can’t be bothered with it.  There is so much to say, but I’m too Fucken angry, probably even more upset.

Cricket, I love it, but I fucken hate it. Right now.

Dedicated to my wife on our wedding anniversary.

There have been times when Kamran Akmal is wicket keeping when it is almost like he has forgotten what wicket keeping means.  On at least three occasions he has gone into the foetal position and started rocking as the bowler comes in to bowl.  As a batsman he is exciting, unpredictable and scores less runs than you think.  His face is spectacular.  Has been accused of match fixing for poor keeping, which is like accusing a legless man of running slowly on purpose.  In 2006 he was voted world’s sexiest man by Cleo.

After a messy and public split, you leave your partner.

They slag you off in the news a bit, and try and make you feel like an idiot.

You don’t care, you’ve proved yourself to the public many times before, regardless of this cheap media stunt you are a legend, and you’ll be ok without them.

This isn’t the first time you’ve separated with them, but you assume this is the last.

While your last separation ended in you marrying them, this one surely can’t, I mean, they through your ass out publicly, banned you from having any contact with you.

It is over.

You know that while you probably still have some feelings for them, you don’t need them anymore.

The good times might have been amazing, but the bad times were fucking excruciating.

You’ll never forget how they made you feel.

It hurts.

You still follow how they are going, and you like it when they do well, and it bothers you when they don’t.

But you no longer get the feeling to go and help them.

They made their decision, and while you think it was wrong, your life has gone on, everything is going well for you.

Then the phone call comes in, they don’t come out and say they want you back, they are just checking in and complaining about their current situation.

You try to be strong, give them advice that doesn’t involve you, and make an excuse to get off the phone quickly.

The week after their life is better than ever, you don’t receive a phone call this time, just an excitable text message.

There is no reason for you to reply to it, but you do, you want them to know that even though they were shit to you, you are not bothered by it.

Then their life falls apart.  You get a 2000 words email sent at 2am their time.

In it you can feel their pain, you realise they can be overly dramatic, but you also know that they are writing this email because they want you back.

You don’t respond to the email, but then you receive a text, and this changes everything. “We need you”.

Not knowing exactly how to play this out, you ignore the text.  You’ve received these before, and then have been left hanging.

But the phone calls come; you know who it is, so you let the voice mail handle it.  The first message is purely emotional, the second is angry and the third is a plea.  The plea talks about the good times, about how good you were together, they tell stories about your deeds, tell you how much they miss you, and plead for you to pick up the phone.

The next call comes through, and you pick it up.

They tell you an e-ticket is already booked for you, they give you the flight details and tell you it is first class.  You don’t say anything back.

You get all your gear together and head for the airport, when you get there, you hesitate before checking in, but you do.

On the flight over you think about what you are doing.  Surely this will all just end in tears again.  This can’t be good for you.

Then you work it out, while you are the calm, sensible and stoic one, you need their drama.

That is why you are on the plane, and that is why, even if they dump you again, you will probably come back to them.

Because you really do like the drama, even if you wish you didn’t.

One day you’ll be too old for this, but for now, you’re just glad to be back together.