cricket with balls

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Size / Dimensions : 25 inches x 66 inches

Watching Pakistan play cricket was a special thrill for me.

When I was growing up India seemed effeminate, Sri Lanka rubbish, New Zealand grim, South Africa robotic, England shambolic, the West Indies faded and Australia predictable.

Then there was Pakistan.

They could be effeminate too, but also masculine as fuck. They could be rubbish, but gloriously rubbish. They were never really grim, even when they were. Robotic is not a word that comes to mind. Shambolic, offcourse, but shambolic in a farcical comedy sort of way. They weren’t faded, there was always an alleged teenager coming through. And they were predictable in that you knew they would been involved in something stupid.

This was just how Pakistan was during the 90s.

And I loved it.

Now their on field performances, not including Sydney at least, are for more bland. They still collapse like no one can, but it seems to be lack of skill, not because of Pakistani flair. There captaincy rollercoaster seems to be mostly given to men with little personality. Their bad days in the field are still amazing, but yet again they miss that wonderful craziness they once had.

The current Pakistani side is a cheap knock off of that one in the 90s.

That should be disappointing me. Luckily someone has stepped into the breach and is giving me the crazy fucked up farce that I require.

The PCB.

Sure the players are involved, but as a trigger for the madness off the field.

It takes a special organisation to leak a story about genital warts of one of their employees, and I shouldn’t say leak, because a press release isn’t a leak. Then to back a player who travels with opiates, who has had trouble with drugs before. To allow their captain to quit over match fixing and infighting. To pick Shahid Afridi as captain. Ban their own players from the IPL in a moral argument.

I’m going to stop there. Because that list could go on forever.

Even for the PCB this latest nonsense is a cluster bomb of fuck.

And while it is sad for a team that I have always loved, it is as funny as sports administration can get.

The PCB has now became one of those politically incorrect comedians who has very little funny material, but every now and then stumbles onto a funny joke when they are just trying to offend.

Although maybe I should thank Pakistan for two decades of entertainment.

Everytime the PCB does something like this I cry, sometimes in laughter, sometimes in pain.

Kamran Akmal is in his hotel room watching repeats of the Shield (Mackie is doing something dodgy, again) after day 2 of the 2nd Test against Australia.

Kamran: Ahoy hoy.

Mysterious Sounding Dude: Mr Akmal, the chickens are coming home to roost.

Kamran: What fucken chickens.

Mysterious Sounding Dude: We need you to lose this match.

Kamran: This is Pakistan; we can probably lose it from here anyway.

Mysterious Sounding Dude: No, you must ensure. This is very important, I wouldn’t be calling you if it was not, that would be rude. Please lose.

Kamran: And how would I do that?

Mysterious Sounding Dude: We want you to drop every catch, miss run outs and be really shit.

Kamran: Wow, that is subtle, want me to bite a ball as well?

Mysterious Sounding Dude: No that would be stupid. Just perform badly.

Kamran: Won’t that be fucken obvious. I mean if a Pakistani misses a catch 73 politicians start press conferences.

Mysterious Sounding Dude: That is what we want; anarchy, Mr Akmal. We are going to use your bad keeping to fix the country of Pakistan. Your hard hands can start a people led revolution, and all we ask is that your drop some catches and the then we will do the rest.

Kamran: I don’t know, it just sounds kinda stupid.

Mysterious Sounding Dude: Mr Akmal, you are undoubtedly a cricketer of rare quality, but in the world of politics you are mildly retarded, our country needs this, are you going to be a hero for Pakistan?

Kamran: I’m hanging up now.

Mysterious Sounding Dude: Pakistan Zind….

The next day after dropping a catch down the legside.

Moyo: Kamran, you are keeping wickets like some character from fraggle rock?

Kamran: Well, either I am just a really shit keeper having a shocking day, or I am subconscious instrument of change.

Moyo: Sorry?

Kamran: um, Pakistan Zindabad.

That should be the beginning and end of the story.

Yes it is a impressive statistical achievement, but so would it be if a kid said he had masturbated every day from the age of 11 to 16.

In the end you are pretty much only beating yourself.

The West Indies came to Australia without a bowling attack, carried some strike breakers, blooded some kids and had a captain who turned up in time for the toss.

They played well at times, but ultimately look like a team that needed the other team to explode for victory, Australia flamed at times, but never combusted.

Then Pakistan came without their captain after struggling in New Zealand. They abandoned the first game, showed their keeper to be the worst keeper in a generation of the worst keepers while their stand in captain refused to captain and showed nothing more than faux teenagers.

Pakistan’s one day side was playing under a captain who was sacked before the series started, the team lived up to that decision, then they made a positive move and hired a new captain who had one of the most entertaining fuck ups in cricket history when he tried to bite the ball.

Their T20 side showed their champion status by bowling Australia out for 127, they still lost.

Then the Windies came back, not all of them though, some were still hanging around milking cash from state sides.

The Windies one day side seemed to made up of blokes who had won contests to play and a few guys who had talent but rarely used it. In their first two games they made 310 as a combined total. Surprisingly that struggled to stop the momentum of the best one day side in the world.

For some reason logic has never touched on the Windies were given two T20 games which they embarrassed themselves fully in.

The one plus about the Windies trip back was that at least distant family members were assured that Wavell Hinds was alive.

That was it, there was some rain, a defensive draw in Adelaide and Australia even beat themselves once.

It was better than losing the Ashes, Border-Gavaskar and the Mike Haysman cup, but not that much better.

They should be proud for not losing, but I wouldn’t give them anything more than a biscuit if they were my kids.

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I have said two matches is not a series, and today it is all I can think of.

This could have been one of the best series in the history of world cricket; instead we are stuck with two games.

Look at what we got:

Batsmen playing so well you feel they don’t even need to be looking at the ball to hit it.

Both team collapsing at times.

Fast bowlers bullying the opposition at times, then getting smashed.

Spinners controlling the scoreboard.

One team takes the first game, only for the second to grab the second in tight finish.

Two teams who are evenly matched fighting for the prestige.

Poorly choreographed cheerleaders who didn’t seem to want to be there at all.

Oh, this was a series.

It is just a shame that Pakistan and England only chose to play 2 games of 2020 cricket, think of how great this would be as a 15 match series (to the death).

2020 cricket, there is just never enough.

Buy the book, get a t-shirt, or donate to the whisky fund.