cricket with balls

Spent a couple of years playing ICL cricket, few people noticed.  Is the sort of guy people say things like, “if he was only a little bit faster” about.  Has the skills of an opening bowler, but the face of a friendly PE teacher.  Has recently started batting as well, it is only a matter of time before he opens the batting for New Zealand.  Has a better record than you would think with the ball, but you don’t think about him, no one does, you’ve been reading this for less than a minute and you already have to look at the title twice to remember who this profile is for. I’ve never met him, but I think he would be nice. He has kind eyes.

A long lost relative of Roger Ramjet, Guptill has a jaw that a small South American village could be re-located to.  Guptill is the sort of player that just when you decide he is utter shit he plays a brilliant shot off a top bowler to change your mind.  Then he goes out, and you want to give him a hug.  If you put a knotted sweater around his neck he would look like he should be in some film about Harvard or Yale.  Due to a forklift accident he lost three toes.  He doesn’t like it when you race up to him,take his shoes off and rub them.  Sadly.

Prince Brendon McCullum has finally done what he had leaked, inferred and generally showed us on many an occasion he was thinking about by giving up his role as test keeper.

No keeper since Tim Zoehrer (who often took the gloves off to bowl leggies) has shown such casual regard for the skill that got him into international cricket in the first place.

The Prince is talented, but that talent hasn’t exactly been oozing out of his stats now has it.

In test cricket, the game where he is giving up the gloves, he has made 5 test centuries – 2 against Bangladesh and 1 against Zimbabwe – at an average of 34.  Low.

In one day cricket, where he doesn’t always seem to keep, he has made 2 centuries – 1 against Ireland – at an average of 29 with a strike rate of 87.  Still not special numbers.

In T20 where others keep mostly, he has made 1 century – against Australia – and averages 33 with a strike rate of 126.  Other than a slower strike rat than you’d expect, the man is a fair T20 batsman.

T20 is the only form of the game where Prince Brendon could give up keeping and be a legitimate force right now.

Sure, ditching the gloves might improve his batting, but it might not.  Being an all rounder in any sense might be a burden on your time, but it also gives you freedom.  You can average 34 as a batsman if you have another skill, but who wants a test batsman who averages 34.

I know New Zealand don’t always have the highest standards when it comes to test averages, but 34 is testing them.

According to Assistant coach Mark Greatbatch, “Brendon clearly understands he will only be considered as a test batsman on his long-form batting performances.”

Dictator Dan has been quiet on the announcement.

McCullum may return to keeping in one day cricket.

The cynical cunt nature of me wonders if this isn’t an elaborate test retirement.

His average is not enough to get him an automatic spot, so maybe he plays a few tests, or maybe he doesn’t get picked at all…

If it is an elaborate well staged test retirement, you have to give the man some credit, it is the double indemnity of test retirements.

I fear it is not, and instead it is just a wicket keeper who thinks he can cut it as a test batsman.

I wonder if he can?

Played such a good first game that he was offered a part in a Peter Jackson film.  He is now up on charges of theft by deception. After the ball stops swinging all you are left with is those magnificent teeth. Is currently a better batsman than Chris Martin.  NZC have still not decided if Tim is the prodigal son or the black sheep.  Others don’t care.

Afghanistan – Turned up with a bowling unit that most Minnows would be proud of, but their bowlers also ended up being their batting.

They were very loud, but showed real aptitude, but were kicked out of the library after being caught urinating on the technique books.

Australia – Finally selected a T20 team and got a test player to captain it. Took the gamble on 3 front line bowlers and it worked until their batsmen bottled it in the final.

Bullied their way around the schoolyard, and everyone sucked up to them. Next time they should stay focused until the end of the day.

Bangladesh – Tried hard at times but never had the firepower to scare Australia or Pakistan.

Truancy is a problem, if Tamim isn’t around the rest of the boys lose confidence. Perhaps they were promoted too quickly and could do well if they were to repeat this grade a few times.

England – Was the best performed and coached side in the entire tournament, Wright at six was a gamble, but their middle order stuck around and they deserved to win.

Polite, courteous, well mannered and simply a delight to teach. About time too, before this they were a disorganized bore that should have been spanked daily.

India – Arrived with a hangover, played like they were in a coma, picked the wrong side and then performed like their entire family had been killed by drunk drivers.

Spank them, send them to bed without their dinner, cut all extra curricular activities and make sure you give them a curfew.

Ireland – Showed yet again that they are a plucky yet largely untalented bunch. Bowling display against England was a masterclass in bowling slow seam.

Since Eoin has moved classes the Irish boys have looked slightly stupid, it might be time for remedial studies, again.

New Zealand – At times it felt like they were in the tournament, but that they also weren’t. They beat 2 of the Semi finalists, but not in the semi finals.

A very eager student who would do extra work than required, it was just that their best work was only just a pass.

Pakistan – Were shocking, brilliant and wonderfully insane, just like Pakistan should be. Need a captain, not an excitable poodle.

Were truant at the start of the semester, then came in late doing lots of work to try catch up. They almost passed but it wouldn’t be fair to students who turned up all the time, like M Hussey.

South Africa – had one of the bowlers of the tournament in Charl Langeveldt, and almost no one else. Picked the wrong team, stayed with the wrong teamand then failed to actually chase Pakistan’s total.

These boys are clearly too old for schooling, and didn’t look interested either. Perhaps getting them into the workforce would benefit them.

Sri Lanka – Surfed the wave of Mahela all the way to the finals, but outside of him and some isolated performances they were pretty ordinary.

Had one mature age student who was of no use, a cool student who didn’t seem interested and some experimental student who produced very little. Very disappointed in them.

West Indies – Teams who host these tournaments are usually useless, the West Indies proved that rule.

The entire class sit around waiting for Chris Gayle to do the work, and he can’t always be bothered. Andre Fletcher needs private tuition or home schooling.

Zimbabwe – Had a great array of spinners and almost entirely nothing else. Played good honest cricket, but are missing several components.

They seemed to be driven by fear of being spanked by their parents, but are generally a very poor academic group. I don’t want to alarm anyone, but Ray Price is surely too old to be at school, and I think I saw him beat up the Lunch Lady.