cricket with balls

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The ICC has its test rankings involving numbers and nerds.  Not Interested.  So I came up with my own.  They mean nothing, but neither do the ICCs and mine took less time.  They also aren’t numbered for a reason, because that would be stupid.   You can date the bottom girl on this list (actually make that second bottom) and have a great time, and perhaps have a shit time with the second lady.

Natalie Portman –

There is no outstanding test side at the moment, so no one gets the Portman from me.

Kate Winslet – India

Capable of great things, clever, classy and hot.  But how many really cool films has Winslet been in?  Has the potential to be the perfect partner, but would it kill her to be a curvy sexy ninja in a Rodriguez flick?  Best of the bunch at the moment, but still has improvement in her.

Suicide girls – South Africa

They are hot, edgy and look great in photo shoots. When you are seeing a midnight showing of Donnie Darko they are the ideal partner, but leave them up to their own good and, well, they aren’t called the suicide girls for nothing.  Do you want to spend your time hiding the razors?

Cute girl on the train – Australia

It seems like a great idea, but what do you know about the cute girl on the train.  Sure, she likes Palahniuk, is wearing a cwb t-shirt and seems to be listening to Coltrane, but she could be nuts.  Cuteness and good taste in popular culture are important, but for every hip thing about her, there will be something you don’t know about, like how she breeds rats to kill them while you have sex with her.  She could turn out great, but she could be bi-polar.

Ellen Page – Sri Lanka

Has raw natural cuteness and talent.  Yet is still a little odd looking.  Not in a bad way, but from certain angles you question yourself.  Your main concern is her never-ending journey to be the coolest person in the room, we get it Ellen, just stop being a wanker for 5 minutes and be in an adult movie.

Plain girl in the office – England

Easy to overlook, but could be the one.  Obviously not as attractive as movie stars or with the hipster taste of the cute girl on the train, but suits you better than most.  Can you really afford to shun her just because she wears cardigans?  Although it must be said, she is not a good cook.

Brody Dalle – West Indies

Rock and roll.  Big highs, but scary lows.  There is something that draws you in, you’re not sure what, and it could be illegal, but she is supercool and has access to free drugs and booze.  Might only keep you around for a short time, but it could be fun.  Until the come down.

A chick on roller skates with bright pink hair in pigtails – Pakistan

She looks awesome, but she wears roller skates. That isn’t safe, what if she is rolling up to you and she falls headfirst onto your lap.  That wouldn’t be good.  The wow factor wouldn’t be any good when you have been hit in the nuts, and if you are hurt bad and you need medical supplies, the girl with the roller skates cannot be trusted.  Practically roller skates are always going to end in tears.

Joan Cusack – New Zealand

Not conventionally attractive that is true, but funny, and who would try harder.  The laughs will get you through. Sure she has a relative way more better looking and richer, but he is a dude.  Could be a keeper, because if you stay with Joan you’d have funny intelligent chirpy moderately successful children, although watch out for twins.

Your mate’s teen sister – Bangladesh

Dude, she isn’t even legal.  Look away.  But check back in three or four years, just in case.

Ceci, of Mel & Ceci, made me this present for my birthday.

It is very wrong.

Especially it looks so right…

I told you that if you didn’t buy my book I would have to work for the devil.

And since less than 1% of my normal monthly readership bought bmy book I have gone over to the other side.

Cricinfo.

If you don’t own my book this is your fault.

The news isn’t all bad, I have managed to talk about Natalie Portman naked in my very first post.

Take that.

Here it is, as it appears on their newly remanufactured page 2 in the section the heavy ball:

The Ashes degraded itself this year by allowing two useless teams to play in it. The World Twenty20 was so boring, India never turned up for it. Australia took on South Africa for the world No. 1 Test spot; 12 people turned up to watch. And no one remembers how Deccan won the IPL.

That is because all these tournaments and series were just warm-ups for the one tournament that stands above the rest and spits down on them in arrogant contempt.

I personally haven’t had so much anticipation for a single event since I found out Natalie Portman was going to appear naked in Hotel Chevalier.

There are children who refuse to sleep, adults who are not participating in society, and animals that are staring longingly at the TV just waiting for this behemoth of an event to start.

I don’t even need to say the name of the cricket event I am talking about, you already know, you are counting down the minutes, nay seconds, until it starts.

The players are preparing themselves as we speak. They want to be in pristine mental, physical and existential condition come the start of the Johnny Cash of cricket tournaments (the only cricket tournament that matters): the ICC Champions Trophy.

The ICC only runs one event with the word “champion” in it. The World Cup might have some gravitas to it, but World means that any old country with a cricket kit can enter; Namibia played in it. The ICC Champions Trophy is way more elite as only the best teams will be there, plus New Zealand.

A tournament of champions playing the most important format of world cricket, 50 overs, with the cricket fans hoping their little cricket lovers’ hearts out that their rag-tag team of potential champions can lift the trophy high and prove to one and all that they are the true masters of world cricket, champions of the game, if you will.

Players have trouble getting themselves up for other tournaments. I overheard some players recently saying, “Oh no, we are at Lord’s for a Test match, again. How I wish we were playing an ICC Champions Trophy match in East London.”

Hopefully the ICC will see the error of their ways and scrap all other cricket tournaments and just schedule a weekly ICC Champions trophy.

Then they just need to sit back and rake in the fat cash that is coming their way, as China, America and Sweden will want to get involved in what is the best sporting event in the history of mankind.

Remember the ICC Champions Trophy is not a cricket tournament: it is cricket. Everything else is a parody.

It has been announced.

My second and third favourite cricket teams are coming to the country I live in to play cricket.

It is like finding out Natalie Portman is coming to your birthday, and she is bringing Bulleit with her.

Now I have the image of Shahid Afridi and Natalie Portman in a wild sexual encounter as I pour bourbon on them.

Let’s hope that Pakistan find some sort of test bowling combination for the series.

As I walked the streets of London I saw the faces of the children, they were tear stained, drained of colour, and lacking all hope. Something had happened.

The more I looked around, the more I realised something was horribly wrong.

Birds flying into each other, rats ignoring open garbage, homeless people refusing to ask for change. Flags were at half-mast, women sat on the steps in front of their grubby looking buildings in a state of shock, and the men, the men, they looked like they no will to live left in them, they were mere empty shells moving around and bumping into other empty shells.

It was as if the country of England was in a state of mourning.

I thought to myself, what could tear a country up like this, it must be a huge tragedy, maybe Susan Boyle had auto erotically asphyxiated herself in a hotel room, or perhaps Kate Winslet has started talking with an American accent.

I found my way to an off-licence, jumped over the apocalyptic mess that was their alcohol section and picked up a paper.

My worst fear had arrived. It was a twist of fate that could befit a Shakespearean dramedy, Australia’s most reliable player, Shane Watson, is injured.

Nooooooooooooooooo, not Shane, anyone but him, take my gril, take my mother, take Natalie Portman, but not Shane.

Suddenly I understood England’s despair. Here is a country that had geared itself up for one thing this summer.

Watching Shane Watson.

And here we are, two weeks before the first game, and he is injured.

Not in a mighty battle while trying to slay their home town heroes, but just a strain at training. A meek end for such a great young warrior.

They might as well call the Ashes off. No one here is in the mood for it now. How could they be? Would you watch Escape from New York without Kurt Russell, offcourse not.

Get well soon, Shane, the game of cricket needs you.