cricket with balls

Today England picked a young bowler by the name of Graham Onions for the test series against the Windies.

If you feel the need, you can put puns in the comments.

Mr Onions was so excited by the news, he went forth and took 6 for 30 on an actual road at Taunton.

Durham had managed over 500.

After Onions had finished with Somerset they were all out for 69, with a bitter help from ex aussie Callum Thorp, and very little from Harmy.

It was a tremendous effort from Onions, I saw a fair bit of it, and he is a skiddy bowler at around 135 with a bit of movement, and every time I have seen him bowl he has impressed me.

I should be worried, here is a fresh talent from England who can obviously bowl and is about to get a warm up before the Ashes.

I’m not worried though.

Not even a little bit.

Why?

While Somerset got bowled out for 69, there was one batsman came in at first drop, and never went out.

He made 32* and looked tougher and better than any of his team mates.

His name, Justin Langer.

And while the Somerset batsmen, including ol’ blue eyes Marcus Trescothick, looked like shit, Justin just nuggeted it out.

In unrelated news, Phil Hughes made another hundred today.

We now know that Marcus Trescothick is one horrendous cheat.

Because he told us, and look at his eyes.

If you want to know the full story buy his book coming over me.

Less than a year after he cheated his career was over with depression.

Because some men are made to be cheats, and then there is Marcus.

Marcus has been chased by the ghost of Banquo ever since.

Yes I’m using Shakespeare, but try to follow.

MacBeth ordered Banquo (2005 Ashes) and his son Fleance (future ashes) killed.

Only Banquo was killed, Fleance survived.

When Banquo was killed, he came back to MacBeth in ghost form, and tormented the fucker for his actions.

In conculsion: The ghost of cheating at the 2005 ashes has stalked Marcus ever since, and that is why he is depressed.

Also Lady Macbeth was hard work.

So Karma (or the ghost) got the better of this fresh mouthed fucker.

The Australian players lost an Ashes, got fired up, smoked England in the next series while Marcus sat at home and fought with the black dog.

A 30 year old cricketer was lost to the game, England now look as dodgy as Pakistan at their foulest and Australia has all the necessary motivation to win next years Ashes.

Thanks Marcus, if it wasn’t for you I might never have seen a 5 nil drubbing of England.

You people are sick.

One player has cried recently.

The other had a break down before a cricket trip.

Both of them are no longer international cricketers.

It ends here.

I don’t want anymore searches pertaining to Michael Vaughan, Marcus Trescothick, Mrs Trescothick, and cuckold.

Also take away wife sleeps, trescothick rumour, and Vaughan fuck Trescothick wife.

I get hundreds of searches with this stuff each month.

Enough already.

These are two fragile men.

And even if the rumour is true, which I doubt, it really doesn’t need to be harped on.

Life and love is a complicated mother fucker.

It has many ins and outs, and Vaughan and Trescothick have enough on their plates re-entering society.

With Marcus a little blue, this is not as funny as the Michael Slater rumour.

Mostly because of Marcus’ issues, but also because Michael Slater is not involved in this.

And if anyone thinks that the internet is going to prove a rumour about players wives sleeping with the wrong player, you are mistaken.

The net is for porn, cricket blogs and unsubstantiated rumours.

Have I mentioned I think Ganguly is a giant alien lizard?

Because of the draw today, my mind started to wander.

Here is a list of Kanye West songs and the Cricketers or hangers on they remind me of.

Gold Digger – Shane Bond

“I aint saying she a gold digger, but she aint messin with no broke niggaz”

Jesus Walks – Adam Gilchrist

“I aint here to argue about his facial features, or here to convert atheists into believers”

All falls down – Marcus Trescothick

“She’s so self conscious, she has no idea what’s she’s doin in college”

Touch the sky – Virender Sehwag

“Before the day I die, I’m gonna touch the sky”

My way home – Imran Khan

“Might not be such a bad idea if I never go home again”

Crack music – Sunil Gavaskar

“I throw a little sumtin simtin on the pulpit”

Roses – Damien Martyn

“can you sign some t shirts, bitch is ya smoking reefer”

Diamonds from Sierra Leone – Sachin Tendulkar

“Forever ever? Forever ever? Ever, ever? Ever, ever? Ever, ever? Ever, ever?”

Hey mama – Channel 9 commentary team (except Richie)

“You’re like a book of poetry, Maya Angelou, Nicky Giovanni, turn one page and there’s my mommy”

Late – Me (to Bhaji and Haydos)

“Little girls please stop you’re crying”

I do love the word cuckold.

Having been around sports for a long time now, every time there is a major issue in a sporting team, or club some one starts mentioning the age old, hey i heard johnny smithy brown has been boinking the coaches/captains/players wife.

Let’s say objectively that this is true, one in 10 times, based on the Uncle Jrod cheating spouses method of calculation.

What does it do to the people involved the other 9 times.

Obviously in AFl footy it has happened twice recently, once publicly in which the cheating player was forced to another club, and once privately where the player whom had been cheated on was moved to another club.

In Australian cricket the famous rumour is Slater and Gilly, which i personally do not believe.

Then again I don’t believe any woman would sleep with Slater.

And which no one really believed until Slater went through one of the 12 steps and blurted out an apology for draggin Gilly’s name into the mud.

Now i have heard strangled muffled choked whispers of an English one involving newly retired stress case, Marcus Trescothick.

The other involved party is Michael Vaughn, and I’m assuming Mrs Trescothick (Marcus’ wife not mother, although…) whom Mr Vaughn is supposed to have had the sex with.

Now i don’t believe this one for a moment, because I think these two men are gentleman, not particularly good cricketers, but gentleman none the less.

Infact with all the trouble Vaughn is having with straight balls, I’d assumed he was playing for the other team now.

Is this how people are trying to explain Marcus’s sudden onslaught of stress.

It may explain the stress, it may even explain Vaughn’s complete lack of Vaughness but it doesn’t explain why Trescothick wouldn’t go to the UAE now does it.