cricket with balls

Take it from me, commentary isn’t easy. You have to know what you are talking about, be able to describe things and think on your feet. And not swear. Not swearing is very important – unless you book Jrod, in which case you ought to know what you are getting and plan to pay the fines accordingly.

And sometimes you just have to keep talking. The stunt that was pulled on Henry Blofeld in his first BBC commentary is now the stuff of legend. I used to do audio commentary for the blind, where you have to keep talking or the audience really do think you’ve buggered off for a pint.

Similarly, I yield to no-one in my admiration for David Lloyd. If anyone has managed to blend insight with humour, wit with intelligence, in cricket commentary, it is Bumble. But tonight, he went too far.

The point of no return was when Bangladeshi wicket-keeper Mushfiqur Rahim managed to get himself smacked in the face by the ball. Now, I can forgive him for omitting to point out that this could only happen to Rahim, who is not only the smallest player I have ever seen in international cricket but possibly the smallest cricketer ever. Keeping wicket without a helmet was, for him, either ridiculously brave or ridiculously stupid. What I can’t forgive is the stick that he then proceeded to give to Rahim’s replacement, batsman Junaid Siddique.

Keeping wicket isn’t a simple job. Just ask Matt Prior. Being asked to do it at a moments notice is even harder, especially if you are not a regular ‘keeper. Junaid (or ‘Zunead’ as he seems to now prefer, which sounds like a Marvel Comics villain to me) was thrown in at the deep end by a management who didn’t think it worth bringing a second keeper on a fortnight’s tour.

I’ve done this stand-in keeper thing once myself, when my then-club’s temperamental Aussie keeper Treacle suddenly decided after 15 overs that he had had enough and wanted a bowl, ripped off his pads and refused to put them on again. It’s the most difficult thing you will do on a cricket pitch, for so many reasons. So when Bumble started laughing when Zunead let through five wides in his first over, I bristled. After all, if the bowler chucks the ball way down the leg side when he knows that he’s not got a regular keeper behind the stumps, where does the blame really lie?

There then followed patronising comment after comment during the rest of his commentary shift, a theme which was picked up by the lesser commentators on the Sky team. It was all extremely unfair to a man doing his level best in difficult circumstances.

Moreover, in the past few years, England have utilised Marcus Trescothick, Vikram Solanki, Paul Collingwood and Eoin Morgan as wicketkeepers in ODIs – the latter two in the same injury circumstances as forced Zunead to take over. I don’t remember the same level of snide commentary being directed at any of their efforts.

In this utterly pointless series, it is going to be hard for anyone to enhance their reputation. But David Lloyd and his colleagues demonstrated tonight that is still going to be easy to sully it.

Ask any cricket fan who the biggest chokers in world cricket are and you will get, almost unanimously, the answer ‘South Africa’. And it is true that the Proteas have a fine record of stuffing themselves right when they seem poised to win something. But it isn’t really them. Frankly, if you don’t have the nuts to get yourselves into a final, you’re not doing the choking thing properly.

Ballsing it up at the end of a competition is proper choking. You have to have one hand on the trophy to really choke, to really blow it when there is no reason to do so. Steve Waugh’s famous “How does it feel to drop the World Cup” sledge is wrong, because even if South Africa had won that semi-final, they still had to get into a position to win the final.

No, the real chokers in 1999 were Pakistan, who made their way to the final of possibly the worst World Cup ever staged and then somehow managed to get themselves bowled out for 139 – a score which they spent an agonising 39 overs compiling.

If you want to find the real Kings of Chokeland, look no further than tomorrow’s final. England. Reachers of four international finals. Winners of none.

In 1979, they reached the World Cup final despite clearly not having grasped the idea of 60 over cricket (as it then was). They bowled and fielded like dogs, were spanked around Lord’s by the West Indies, and then opened with Boycott and Brearley playing as if it was a Test match.

Then, in 1987, Gatting played that famous failed reverse sweep and the whole side fell apart, losing from a seemingly impregnable position.

1992 was a slightly different story, as some dreadful umpiring and an inspired Pakistani team took the game from England’s grasp, but in 2004’s Champions Trophy they returned to their losing ways, somehow allowing the West Indies to add 70 runs for the 9th wicket after a Marcus Trescothick ton and three wickets for Andrew Flintoff had made the game theirs.

It is hard to come up with another parallel for choking like this. The only thing comparable in world sport seems to be the Buffalo Bills American Football team, who have lost all three of their Superbowl appearances and did so in three consecutive years during the 1990s. But even that smacks of a short period of choking followed (and indeed preceded) by long periods of mediocrity. To reach four finals in 25 years and blow every one, well, that’s choking on an auto-erotic, orange in the mouth and belt around the neck sort of way.

Yep, the greatest chokers in world sport are the England cricket team. And they are playing in another final today. Can they make it five in a row?

Today England picked a young bowler by the name of Graham Onions for the test series against the Windies.

If you feel the need, you can put puns in the comments.

Mr Onions was so excited by the news, he went forth and took 6 for 30 on an actual road at Taunton.

Durham had managed over 500.

After Onions had finished with Somerset they were all out for 69, with a bitter help from ex aussie Callum Thorp, and very little from Harmy.

It was a tremendous effort from Onions, I saw a fair bit of it, and he is a skiddy bowler at around 135 with a bit of movement, and every time I have seen him bowl he has impressed me.

I should be worried, here is a fresh talent from England who can obviously bowl and is about to get a warm up before the Ashes.

I’m not worried though.

Not even a little bit.

Why?

While Somerset got bowled out for 69, there was one batsman came in at first drop, and never went out.

He made 32* and looked tougher and better than any of his team mates.

His name, Justin Langer.

And while the Somerset batsmen, including ol’ blue eyes Marcus Trescothick, looked like shit, Justin just nuggeted it out.

In unrelated news, Phil Hughes made another hundred today.

We now know that Marcus Trescothick is one horrendous cheat.

Because he told us, and look at his eyes.

If you want to know the full story buy his book coming over me.

Less than a year after he cheated his career was over with depression.

Because some men are made to be cheats, and then there is Marcus.

Marcus has been chased by the ghost of Banquo ever since.

Yes I’m using Shakespeare, but try to follow.

MacBeth ordered Banquo (2005 Ashes) and his son Fleance (future ashes) killed.

Only Banquo was killed, Fleance survived.

When Banquo was killed, he came back to MacBeth in ghost form, and tormented the fucker for his actions.

In conculsion: The ghost of cheating at the 2005 ashes has stalked Marcus ever since, and that is why he is depressed.

Also Lady Macbeth was hard work.

So Karma (or the ghost) got the better of this fresh mouthed fucker.

The Australian players lost an Ashes, got fired up, smoked England in the next series while Marcus sat at home and fought with the black dog.

A 30 year old cricketer was lost to the game, England now look as dodgy as Pakistan at their foulest and Australia has all the necessary motivation to win next years Ashes.

Thanks Marcus, if it wasn’t for you I might never have seen a 5 nil drubbing of England.

You people are sick.

One player has cried recently.

The other had a break down before a cricket trip.

Both of them are no longer international cricketers.

It ends here.

I don’t want anymore searches pertaining to Michael Vaughan, Marcus Trescothick, Mrs Trescothick, and cuckold.

Also take away wife sleeps, trescothick rumour, and Vaughan fuck Trescothick wife.

I get hundreds of searches with this stuff each month.

Enough already.

These are two fragile men.

And even if the rumour is true, which I doubt, it really doesn’t need to be harped on.

Life and love is a complicated mother fucker.

It has many ins and outs, and Vaughan and Trescothick have enough on their plates re-entering society.

With Marcus a little blue, this is not as funny as the Michael Slater rumour.

Mostly because of Marcus’ issues, but also because Michael Slater is not involved in this.

And if anyone thinks that the internet is going to prove a rumour about players wives sleeping with the wrong player, you are mistaken.

The net is for porn, cricket blogs and unsubstantiated rumours.

Have I mentioned I think Ganguly is a giant alien lizard?