cricket with balls

If you had played 5 tests. Made a hundred on debut. Made a hundred on your ashes debut. And then in your 5th test saved an Ashes test, you’d be thinking your career was pretty safe.

If your name is Marcus North, you would be wrong.

Dead wrong.

It seems that almost nothing Marcus North does can guarantee him a spot in this series.

There is always someone in the cricket media saying that North could go if Australia wants an extra bowler in the line up.

That won’t happen.

But the fact that fans and the media keep bringing up his name as a potential axing is weird enough.

There was an article, fucked if I can find it now, which said he badly needed runs after Lord’s.

If he badly needs runs, what would you say about Michael Hussey, that he needs runs more than you and I need our assholes?

If (and it won’t happen) Australia wanted to go in with 4 more bowlers, Hussey is the guy that should be dropped.

Clarke is in career best form, and deserves the 4 spot more than Hussey does.

North could easily move to 5 without butterfly tsunami effects.

I am not sure what North needs to do in order for him to be safe.

Someone at Edgbaston told me they didn’t think his place could ever be safe. That seems unfair in a world where Michael Hussey can play shit for 20 tests.

North is a probot, and he isn’t really one of my guys. Sure he was born in Victoria, but it was Pakenham, so the two cancel each other out.

I thought he should have been picked before McDonald in Sydney, and was happy enough he got the next test, but I also know his record against Victoria is brutal, so the man cannot be trusted.

His main problem seems to be that he is the new Michael Hussey without the matrix defying average.

Average 50 is par these days, and that is what he has done.

In 5 tests he has had a significant role in 3 of them.

That should be enough.

But the next time Australia want to try something radical, or they just wanna force someone into the side, I’d have my money on North being an unlucky bastard.

Australia has looked narcoleptic at times during this match.

But some cool shit has happened to the players who are awake.

Michael Hussey came back from the wilderness.

Brett Lee proved earnestness can produce wickets.

And now Marcus North, their major form worry, has made a calm hundred.

Sure Phillip Hughes can’t play short or full balls. And Nathan Hauritz would be more use cutting the oranges or holding the bags. But having three players find form in one match is pretty handy.

North’s innings wasn’t orgasmic, but he never really looked like going out, and when he is at his best that is generally how North bats.

He is what commentators like to call an organised batsmen, he files runs and plans his innings.

There is nothing wrong with it; Australia still has Ponting, Hughes, Clarke, Haddin and Johnson to produce the crowd-pleasing match-stealing performances.

North just needs to keep meeting his deadlines and hoping the boss’s son (Watson) doesn’t get his job.

Andrew Hilditch’s belief in the Australian batsmen and Shane Watson’s delicate body seems more moronic the longer this tour goes (5 days of cricket in).  He and his team decided that Australia’s spare batsmen for the tour was Shane Watson, a man that makes a violet crumble look like a titanium rod.

Watson broke down, surprisingly absolutely no one, and Australia are left with two men to be back up batsmen for the next test, Andrew McDonald, not a test class batsmen, and Graham Manou, definitely not a test class batsmen.

All of this would be fine if the Australian batting order was firing on all cylinders, but if Marcus North’s batting was a car then he wouldn’t be able to put the key in.

The best way of explaining North’s current form is that Nathan Hauritz looks like Mark Waugh in comparison. North cannot buy, steal, find or molest a run so far.

Against Sussex he was in quicksand, his first innings lasted 5 balls, his second innings lasted 50 balls for 11 runs. There was a sense of desperation in his batting that I haven’t seen since the last time I saw Michael Hussey out of form (which definitely was not today).

Today he lasted 5 balls again, although I am not sure how. Almost every ball, no matter how benign it appeared, was like a cluster bomb when it got to him.

North is a very accomplished batsman, but he isn’t a world-beater, and if his off spin wasn’t like Viagra to the Australian selectors you couldn’t see them picking him ahead of Hodge, Ferguson, Hussey (jnr), Klinger or some random NSWales youngster.

His maiden hundred was well made, but he did have some luck. Had South Africa seen him play a bit more they would have closed down his “Western Australian scoring channel” though point with a posse of catching fielders a la Stephen Fleming to Damien Martyn.

And since that hundred Marcus North has not been a factor, although since that hundred he has had only 3 innings to be a factor.

There was a time when Australia would have had a “bat off” with a couple of batsmen on a tour like this, but Hilditch turned up with his batting superglued in place.

Right now, he must be looking for some nail polish remover, because North is looking shaky at best, and at worst, he looks like an Ashes anchor like The Krab Katich did in 05.

Shane Watson’s injury hasn’t made this worse, as even if he was brought into the side to replace North, what sort of kamikaze gambler would bet on him lasting 5 whole days of cricket.

Surely even Hilditch is questioning is choices about now.

Ricky Ponting

Let’s start at the top. Ponting runs the risk of becoming the first captain to lose the Ashes twice, and it is a very real risk of that happening. History shows that Ponting’s Aussies do not take defeat likely – witness their thrashings of both England and South Africa after losing to them – but this also shows that they are intent on learning things the hard way. If you can only outsmart Graeme Smith by losing to him, there’s something wrong somewhere in your brain.

There’s no doubt that Ponting the Batsman has improved over the last four years, but Ponting the Captain does not seem to have moved on at all. He’s up against a leader more cerebral than either Smith* or Michael Vaughan and this time he doesn’t have a side full of experienced lieutenants to help him out. Moreover, he’s the only member of the Aussie top order who can be relied upon to make runs during this series; even for a scrapper like Ponting, that’s a heavy weight to bear on top of everything else.

Michael Clarke

Australia’s worst nightmare has to be that Ponting gets injured and Clarke takes over the captaincy. If ever a player failed to live up to his early promise, it’s this guy. The ‘Pup’ nickname hangs around his neck like a leaden dog tag and, no matter how many runs he scores, he never seems to be truly comfortable at the crease. His increasingly anodyne left arm spin means that he cannot truly be regarded as a bowling option in Test cricket. As the changing hairstyles show, he seems to be a man still trying to find his role within the side.

Phillip Hughes

Burst onto the scene against a South African side who had hardly seen any footage of him and scored plenty of runs against an attack somewhat lacking in either brains or guile. Even so, he showed some weakness against the rising ball bowled from around the wicket and moving into him. England’s attack might not be as pacy as the South Africans’, but Broad and Anderson certainly have more wit about their bowling than Steyn, Nel and Ntini and Flintoff specialises in the sort of ball Hughes has trouble with.

Moreover, whilst he has been scoring a truckload of runs whilst playing for Middlesex, he will find an English Test attack in English conditions a very different proposition to a popgun Division Two one, especially as he will have provided hours of footage for England to analyse. Indeed, a conspiracy theorist might suggest that county attacks had been told to keep him at the crease for as long as possible.

Simon Katich

The most surprising survivor of the 2005 side, Katich reinvented himself as an attacking opening bat to win back his place in the side. The suspicion remains that the technical defects exploited by England four years ago remain and will be even more exposed against the new ball than the old one. The fact that his famously volcanic temper seems to have worsened over the intervening four years won’t have helped and the stress of an Ashes series is likely to provoke at least one flashpoint during the summer. That his left arm wrist spin is now an even more effective weapon could actually act against the Aussies, as the lack of other spin bowling options could force them to retain him even if he does hit a bad run of form.

Mike Hussey

Mr Cricket is in the worst run of form of his career. Whilst he could conceivably come out of it before the Ashes begin, it is hard to see how five months with no first class cricket at all will assist. His performances against South Africa this winter suggest that he may have lost his nerve against quality fast bowling.

Marcus North

As well as having to deal with the tensions of a first Ashes series, North now has to prove that he is worthy of the number six spot over and above the missing Andrew Symonds. Has plenty of experience of English conditions, but again has only played in the second division here. Another who will probably rely upon his bowling to retain his place.

Andrew McDonald

Probably the luckiest man to be on this tour. Has yet to convince anyone other than the Aussie selectors that he is Test class. As a rule, gingers aren’t.

Shane Watson

Has shown occasional flashes of being able to play at this level. Problem is that, any time he hits a good vein of form, he gets injured. It is as if there is some kind of horrendous curse on the man. When asked why he had been selected, Andrew Hilditch didn’t seem to know. Which doesn’t exactly bode well.

Brad Haddin

Iron gloves, dubious morals and has only had one decent run of scores at Test level. Basically, not Adam Gilchrist on so many levels. Even allowing for the fact that he had a hard act to follow, is not likely to frighten any international attack and batsmen will always feel comfortable with him standing up to the stumps.

Graham Manou

Not even Brad Haddin.

Mitchell Johnson

Frustratingly inconsistent, he has the ability to damage any batting order with the ball and demoralise bowling attacks with his late order hitting. However, still seems equally likely to get carted around the park with the ball and to be dismissed cheaply. The latter calls into question his credentials as a Test match number eight. Basically, until he learns some self control, he’s not going to be the threat he should be.

Brett Lee

Will the real Brett Lee please stand up. He seemed to be rising to the challenge of leading the attack in place of McGrath, even during the 2005 Ashes. But once Pigeon was gone for good, he lost form, got injured and the cycle just seemed to repeat itself. His overall statistics haven’t altered much, but it is hard to see how he is going to be the same player that he was four years ago after so much time away from the game.

Peter Siddle

His record against South Africa cannot be ignored, but neither the fact that the bulk of his Test wickets have come in hot, dry conditions. Will only be a serious contender on this tour if the summer is unusually warm, especially as he has never played in England before.

Stuart Clark

Like Lee, coming back from a serious injury. Hard, therefore, to see him starting in the Cardiff Test, which will then deprive Australia of their most potent bowling threat in English conditions.

Nathan Hauritz

HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa

In short. The Aussies aren’t going to win the Ashes, England are going to have to lose them.

The test squad for the Ashes seems pretty worked out, bar the two all rounders.

But what of the parallel universe, as they prepare for their series, we take a look through the wormhole at the make up of their team.

In that universe they pick squads on Tuesday. Obviously.

M North (captain) – Having cemented his captaincy after Shane Warne’s retirement he fires up the team with sensible slogans and common sense captaincy.

C White (vice captain) – When Cameron is not poisoning North’s meals he is the number 7 Australia has been waiting for since Ian Harvey retired, and his big turning leg breaks are unplayable.

S Katich – This stylish batsman doesn’t make many runs, but when he makes runs, the whole world sighs in orgasmic delight.

M Klinger – Struggling to perform as a Jew, Klinger has had the best run of his life since converting to Satanism.

B Hodge – Although suspected in the deaths of many of Australia’s best young batsmen, Hodge has never been charged, and his form is as good as ever. The selectors love his good nature ribbing.

D Hussey – Inspired by the tragic auto erotic asphyxiation of his brother, David becomes the worlds most dominant stroke maker.

M Cosgrove – Even though Cosgrove’s form is poor, he is selected for the tour on the basis that he gets his weight back up to over 120kgs. Coach Darren Lehmann remains confident he can gain the weight and form.

D Christian – Australia decide to follow the South African example and set a quota of one Aboriginal player in every test. After poor results bringing Jason Gillespie and Ryan Campbell out of retirement, they settle for Dan Christian, and find that he is shit hot.

L Carseldine – Is now technically steel than flesh, but the ICC is slow to move on banning bionic cricketers, and Lee’s metal torso body and titanium legs will be allowed in the ashes.

C Hartley – Is the best keeper in the world, averages 12 with the bat, but everyone knows you take the best keeper regardless of batting quality.

S Tait – Australia finally get the best out of Shaun Tait by employing Rodney Hogg as his full time carer. The two fall in love and get married in the lunacy room.

B McGain – Was humiliated by losing his test spot in South Africa after missing the flight over, but is fired up to star in his first test against England.

M Inness – Even though he had retired, experts realise that Matthew’s first class average was 2fucken5 and pick him for the tour.

D Pattinson – The man the Ashes hopes rely on. His 26 wickets against South Africa in only 3 tests was just about perfect fast bowling.

D Marsh – Some would say that Dan is an odd choice, especially since he is retired, but Chief Selector Rod Marsh said “we needed a hard bastard to toughen these fuckers up”.  Is picked to be the back up keeper/spinner/batsman.

They should do well against Rob Key’s England.