cricket with balls

From Clare Skinner.

If Marcus North is a toaster, his display the other day was the equivalent of a toaster making waffles.

When you put bread into the toaster you don’t expect waffles to come out, but how cool would it be?

The problem is how often can you expect waffles from your new magic still unable to toast that well toaster.

Not often.

But, could you throw out a toaster that once made you waffles?

Maybe, but not straight away.

You’d keep it around to see if the weird shit keeps happening.

And that is the thing with Marcus, they can’t get rid of him now, even if they want to.

The man makes waffles out of toast, sure they were weirdly shaped comical waffles, but when your main bowler is struggling to hit the cut strip, you’ll take waffles in any shape.

I’m now confused as to what his future should be.

On one hand, six wickets, come on, that is pretty handy. Imagine if he puts the odd six for with his runs. That is a cricketer worth having.

On the other hand he took the wickets against a improvisational comedy group, plus Michael Clarke, Michael Bevan and Simon Katich have six wickets hauls. Get over it and make some fucken important consistent runs.

When selectors get confused they generally stay with the devil they know.

It seems wrong to call Marcus a devil, he is much more like a toaster, and with his waffles I doubt he is getting dropped in a hurry.

No, really, what is Marcus North?

You’ve probably asked yourself the same question.

Only because the answer is not instantly available.  It isn’t like Marcus jumps out of the box screaming what he is.  He spends his life in the box.  Finding new and interesting ways to be largely uninteresting.

When arriving at the crease today the only thing that he was ever going to be was a wicket.  Within seconds of his arrival I tweeted that people should bet that he would make less than 27 runs, the tweet was hardly up when he was bowled.

I think that is what I know about Marcus North, I know what he is not.

A test match number 6.

A spinner capable of taking important wickets.

A consistent batsman.

The problem is these things are rather important.

Let me explain, imagine you are the Chairman of selectors for Australia.  Now imagine you went to a retail outlet and bought a toaster and you came back home, plugged it in, put bread in it, and what came out was either adequately toasted bread or burnt toast, what would you do next?

Because the toaster isn’t doing what you want.  From your time at the store you remember that there are many toasters that could do the job for you, some are cheaper and could last longer, others have better special features.

Perhaps you bought this one in haste.  It felt good at the time, and it worked so well the very first time you toasted.  You were understandably pleased with its success.

This original toasting, and a few isolated toastings since, were so good that you may have not spent enough time really evaluating the failed toastings.

You did have a few good looks at the toaster. It is built correctly, you could even say the parts are organised well, but the whole toasting experience leaves you less than satisfied.

I mean, fuck, man, you just want some fucken toast, right?

You understand that at times the toast will be less cooked or more cooked than you want, few toasters are perfect, but you wont abide by burnt toast.

After all this you’d come to the conclusion that you must turf your toaster and get a new one.

So while you are doing that you should probably drop Marcus North as well, as he isn’t a toaster or a test batsman.

If you had played 5 tests. Made a hundred on debut. Made a hundred on your ashes debut. And then in your 5th test saved an Ashes test, you’d be thinking your career was pretty safe.

If your name is Marcus North, you would be wrong.

Dead wrong.

It seems that almost nothing Marcus North does can guarantee him a spot in this series.

There is always someone in the cricket media saying that North could go if Australia wants an extra bowler in the line up.

That won’t happen.

But the fact that fans and the media keep bringing up his name as a potential axing is weird enough.

There was an article, fucked if I can find it now, which said he badly needed runs after Lord’s.

If he badly needs runs, what would you say about Michael Hussey, that he needs runs more than you and I need our assholes?

If (and it won’t happen) Australia wanted to go in with 4 more bowlers, Hussey is the guy that should be dropped.

Clarke is in career best form, and deserves the 4 spot more than Hussey does.

North could easily move to 5 without butterfly tsunami effects.

I am not sure what North needs to do in order for him to be safe.

Someone at Edgbaston told me they didn’t think his place could ever be safe. That seems unfair in a world where Michael Hussey can play shit for 20 tests.

North is a probot, and he isn’t really one of my guys. Sure he was born in Victoria, but it was Pakenham, so the two cancel each other out.

I thought he should have been picked before McDonald in Sydney, and was happy enough he got the next test, but I also know his record against Victoria is brutal, so the man cannot be trusted.

His main problem seems to be that he is the new Michael Hussey without the matrix defying average.

Average 50 is par these days, and that is what he has done.

In 5 tests he has had a significant role in 3 of them.

That should be enough.

But the next time Australia want to try something radical, or they just wanna force someone into the side, I’d have my money on North being an unlucky bastard.

Australia has looked narcoleptic at times during this match.

But some cool shit has happened to the players who are awake.

Michael Hussey came back from the wilderness.

Brett Lee proved earnestness can produce wickets.

And now Marcus North, their major form worry, has made a calm hundred.

Sure Phillip Hughes can’t play short or full balls. And Nathan Hauritz would be more use cutting the oranges or holding the bags. But having three players find form in one match is pretty handy.

North’s innings wasn’t orgasmic, but he never really looked like going out, and when he is at his best that is generally how North bats.

He is what commentators like to call an organised batsmen, he files runs and plans his innings.

There is nothing wrong with it; Australia still has Ponting, Hughes, Clarke, Haddin and Johnson to produce the crowd-pleasing match-stealing performances.

North just needs to keep meeting his deadlines and hoping the boss’s son (Watson) doesn’t get his job.