cricket with balls

This was originally on cricinfo, but, even without swearing and perversions, I really liked it. for some reason I forgot to put it up before.

If the apocalypse were to come tomorrow, most of us would be dead. But if Hollywood has taught us anything it is that people always survive. While Kallis, Ponting and Dhoni wouldn’t make it, there would be cricketers who would. And it isn’t always the most popular or talented who survive the end times.

Nathan Hauritz cannot be killed by bombs or global pandemics. This is a man who couldn’t get picked for his state side, averaged over 50 with the ball in first-class cricket, and now averages 30 in Test cricket. There are no weapons that can keep him down. After the apocalypse he would just roam the earth with that sweet little boyish face of his.

Ashish Nehra went through a career apocalypse, but he is back. I wouldn’t bet on him struggling to survive a worldwide nuclear war. He’d still have that look on his face too, the one that makes you wonder if he has any joy in his life. He’d be in a group that lives in Euro Disney; his role would be of the angry one who doesn’t trust anyone, but he’d be rubbish at catching food.

Kumar Sangakkara would make it through. Then, after an appropriate period, he would take over the world. Artists would carve images of him, people would refer to him as King Kumar, and he would be a fair and just leader. His leadership does have problems, but his suaveness and massive intellect mean he would run the world for at least six years. Until he wants to relax and travel.

Ian Bell can never be killed. Regardless of an apocalypse he is going to be around forever. Still looking good and not making runs. In a dystopian wasteland he’d still manage to find his way into a well-stocked mansion, with others doing the work to make up for him. Even when the whole group dies of food poisoning, Bell survives. He is like a mythical creature that way.

Brendan Nash would not only survive an apocalypse, he’d prosper. Once the world had settled, Nash would move to a new location and just tell them he was always one of them. There would be hostility towards him at first, and mild curiosity, but eventually in this new and desperate land he would come in handy and people would even start to love having him around.

Paul Harris would survive. He might mutate a bit, but like a cockroach or a tax officer he cannot be eradicated. Harris will quickly improvise and become an expert scavenger and sell his goods at a reasonable price, considering the location he lives in.

The New Zealand cricket team would remain okay. They would be watching Eagle v Shark in Chris Martin’s basement when the flesh-eating disease spreads rapidly across the planet, killing everyone. Upon exiting the basement they would have some good times and some bad times, but basically they’d just survive. Even though 90% of the world’s population is dead, their crowd numbers in Test matches stay the same.

Rahul Dravid would never even notice the apocalypse. When the aliens came to kill everyone on the planet with their sonic weapons, he was batting. As we know, when Rahul is batting, nothing can stir him. Even two years after the apocalypse he is still out there, marking his guard, trying to get the sight screen to be moved and planning for what field the captain will set for the next ball.

Buy the book, get a t-shirt, or donate to the whisky fund.

To me this is a pretty special day.

The first day I am a printed published author.

Obviously some very special men thought it was a special day as well.

To celebrate this event the GOD Sehwag hit 146 off 102 balls.

Considering our prophet never hardly ever makes runs in one dayers, it is quite clear that he did this in support of me, his loudest cleric.

But it didn’t stop there, is padawan learner Dilshan also stepped in and 160 off 124 came.

That would have been enough.

Two sehwagologists slaying bowlers on this demon of a pitch to celebrate my book.

There was one more surprise though, one more player had something to say.

And not just any player, but the King, King Kumar.

Not a sehwagologist, but a man so cool that watching him bat is like drinking lemonade on a hot day.

He came out and put the cherry on top of the cherries with 90 off 43.

Wow.

I am stunned guys.

I don’t know what to say.

Thank you all very much.

Praise Sehwagology.

And as an extra special miracle the book is now available on flipkart. Sort of.

I saw Rav the Chavs hundred.

It showed many things that the other English aspiring number 3s don’t have.

There were no physical deformities like Owais Shah.

No complete throwing away of a solid platform Ian Bell style.

He missed no straight ones like the artist Michael Vaughan.

And he was actually playing test cricket unlike Robert Key.

In the short term, that should be enough, he will play one more test against the Windies, and has at least two guaranteed against the Aussies unless he has some sort of breakdown.

But is he a test number 3?

There aren’t many around, New Zealand are trying their junk yard dog Flynn, Amla looks the part at times, Sarwan seems to be made to bat at 3 but can’t always be assed to do so and Younis Khan did ok for South Australia.

The three blue chip players are Ricky, King Kumar, and Rahul.

They all have things in common like aura, ego, tight techniques and freakish batting skills and fierce determination.

Rahul Dravid will block for hours at a time just to protect his wicket.

Kumar has a real hatred of going out, up there with Glenn McGrath’s.

And Ponting just hates to lose.

It is too early for Ravi to put a stamp on the position like these men, and while he might not be in their league on pure batting skill, on determination to succeed he must be almost on a par and he doesn’t suffer from a low ego.

At this stage he looks like the most likely candidate, doesn’t mean he’ll succeed.

If he does fail. wont be for lack of trying.

Damith has an interview up with the king.

You should go over there immediately.

All hail the king baby.

The flyslip.net is supporting a worthy cause, he puts it best.

“On March 3, 2009, Mehar Mohammad Khalil, drove a bus full of Sri Lankan cricketers, while it was being attacked by 12 Terrorists, to safety.

The bus was attacked with AK-47s, RPGs and hand grenades.

But Khalil was having none of it. He drove over a hand grenade, dodged a RPG and eventually got the bus to safety.

Closer inspections later revealed that M.Khalil had balls made of pure steel.

Every Sri Lankan cricketer owes their lives to him.

This is our (the cricket fans) way of saying thank you for being the baddestmotherfucker ever and for saving our cricketers.

Please donate what you can by going to flyslip and go into the left hand sidebar.

Once our target of 1000 USD has been reached we will be sending the money via telegraphic transfer to Charlie Austin, the manager of Kumar Sangakkara, who will present it to Mr. Khalil on behalf of the Sri Lanka team when he visits Sri Lanka as a guest of the Sri Lanka government.“

So click on this link and donate if you can.