cricket with balls

So, poor old Kevin Pietersen is a bit homesick and wanted to pop back to England for 48 hours during the current tour. This is quite understandable, given that he’s been away for almost three months.

What is less comprehensible is that, after a week or so back in Blighty, he’s taking off for 3 weeks in the IPL.

I guess this just goes to show that, when it comes to homesickness, the only real cure is nice big injection. Of cash. To the order of half a million pounds.

I cannot believe that England are thinking of dropping Bell, Harmison, Monty, or Collingwood.

We all know whom to blame for this loss.

KP.

He of the, ugh, dumbslog millionaire, nickname.

Remember him going out for 97, ofcourse you do, because the moment he went out you said to yourself, he has lost the game for England, what a massive bell end (apparently this is an English penis joke, as the penis resembles the end of a bell, not Ian Bell, who is an actual penis).

His wicket, while trying to hit Sulieman Benn into the IPL, was so obviously the cause for England’s collapse on day 4, that it is hardly worth mentioning.

From that moment on, no intelligent cricket fan could have thought that England were going to win the game.

97; a massive failure.

While other English players were going out in more traditional ways, through fear and defensiveness, KP yet again snubbed the traditions of English cricket.

Who does he think he is?

When England lose they like to keep the spirit of their cricket alive, but going out on 97 while trying to bring your hundred up with a 12 is not in that spirit.

He should not only be dropped, but England’s top fencer, Richard Kruse, should take KP into Trafalgar square, and carve out that English tattoo infront of a crowd of drunken chavs.

Because that is more English than going out for 97.

Other things more English than going out for 97 include:

Bowling great line and length, almost never getting hit off the cut strip, and taking no wickets (RJ Sidebottom).

Failing in both innings of your debut as full time captain (AJ Strauss).

Earning money for nothing because you once held an important title. (MP Vaughan).

Being given the second most important job because you went to a toffy assed school (AN Cook).

Getting the love of the English public for the odd breathtaking performance and being a great drunkard (A Filntoff).

Starting off as the saviour before the whole of England slowly turns on you (MS Panesar).

All these things are good and proper English behaviour.

Top scoring, and saving your team from a terrible first innings score is not.

Shame on you KP, 200 years ago you would have been sent to Australia for this behaviour.

Now you just get slated in the times.

The inside mail is that one is to go, definitely.

Proper inside mail.

That i take serious like inside mail.

Exactly.

So place your bets.

Where are your clams?

Odds:

KP to go, a kabillion to one.

Moores to go, no point betting, you will just end up owing me money.

Vaughan to come in as coach if Moores get assholed, 8 to 1.

cricketwithballs

KP is testing the faith.

He is 3 tests into his career, has not won a live test, has been smashed 5 zip in one dayers by India and lost 20 million crackers.

He also slipped in a de pantsting of South Africa in a one day series that they had already mentally check out of.

Now he wants Michael Vaughan in, Peter Moores out.

It’s that simple.

KP is stamping his foot, like a trophy bride in size 8 manolo blahniks looking for a new diamond necklake

The problem for most English cricket fans is they can only agree with 50% of KP’s demands.

There are some fans who want Moores out.

There are a lot of fans who don’t want to see Vaughan back.

But the amount of people who want Moores out and Vaughan back would be small.

So KP is working without the support of fans or media, and without any great success behind him.

Moores may not have a great record either, but it’s not as if Vaughan’s recent work has even existed.

KP is walking into the ECB naked, holding a mini bat, but still rocking it with that amazing KP confidence that no scientist could ever explain.

That is how KP works.

There are no great brainstorming sessions, or lists with the pros and cons.

He just jumps in without thinking.

It seems to have worked so far.

But being a cricket captain with a sub par record you need a little finesse, you need a lightness of touch, and you need to bend over and take the occasional reaming.

KP doesn’t strike me as someone who would like to do that, from anyone other than Mrs KP and a rubber aid.

Going in heavy handed at this stage, for a dude who hasn’t played any cricket to prove his selection could be a massive mistake.

If we know one thing about KP as a leader, he is a star players captain, Harmy, Shah, and Freddy have already felt the warm hand of Kp’s support tugging on their career.

And doing this may make the team come together, ofcourse if Moores gets the ass because of it, they may separate like Berlin.

The Probots on one side, the talent on the other.

In a fight to the death.

One that KP might win, but if he gets his way, gets a new coach, and gets Vaughan, and Vaughan fails and England loses, what is KP’s fall back position.

Zimbabwe?

cricketwithballs

Is Yuvraj a pie chucker, well no, he is more of a doorknob distributor.

That is splitting hairs, but an interesting distinction.

Ms Dhoni did a clever thing by bringing on the doorknob distributor.

He had a spell over KP, and it was a clever tactic.

Thing is, KP is one of those.

Those who need extra stimuli to play better.

The piechucker comments are part of that for him, he wants Yuvraj to come back at him.

KP does his best work when he feels like the world hates him.

He is a sick man.

And not just because he is South African.

Ofcourse all this means fuck all in this drawn test match.

We should be thankful for the piechuckergate though, because if this test match was abandoned a couple of days ago, it might have taken most of us a couple of days to notice it had happened.

Today they will go through the motions again.

And the “series” will finish without a bang, or a woo hoo, or a yee ha.

And congratulations to Gotham City, playing a whole test on qualudes is something special.

cricketwithballs