cricket with balls

There was Lionel Ritchie singing with his microphone turned down. And other western acts.

Some drag queen dancing acts, except with the drag queens.

Bollywood stuff seemed to be happening as well.

Costumes that some people were comparing to klu klux klan on twitter.

Then Ravi yelled.

Andy Bichel did some commentary, he sounded like Danny Morrison on ketamine.

Lalit was missing most of the time, but in his place was a lady in a red dress, an obvious homage to the Matrix.

Brad Hodge looked pissed off.

Many snatch shots of the cheerleaders, none on super slow mo, maybe next year.

Angelo Mathews continues to not exist.

The Chargers song was remixed, still shit though.

Owais Shah had cut down his sleeves to show off the guns.

There were time outs, but they weren’t strategically named, but they were strategically used.

The IPL has ads between the balls, they are louder and less awkward than the Channel 9 versions.

ITV brought out Hoggard, Hick and some dude and some Indian chick for their coverage. Hoggy was ok, the rest were ordinary and only the Indian chick had done any research.

Gilly seemed to keep hitting the ball in the air and not getting caught.

I never thought I’d say this, but I wanted fake smiles from SRK.

Rohit Sharma continues to vie for Indian batsmen most likely to be assassinated.

The game fizzled out.

The Windies beat Zimbabwe.

Nap.

The IPL has started, not with a bang, not with a whimper, but with a carefully stage managed event that had shit western acts, lots of dancing, two teams making decent totals and Andy Bichel.

John Buchanan has been fired/pensioned by the Kolkata Knight Riders.

I am as shocked as you are. Apparently John had his vision, but the results just didn’t develop.

What was John’s Vision?

Luckily for you I have developed a portal In John Buchanan’s head, it can only be used once, as frequent exposure will lead to Probotism.

While I don’t suggest for one moment that my way is the best way, or indeed my way is the only way, this is the way I think you should try, as there is no other way that I have tried that works as well as my way. I live it, breathe it, eat it and stroke it and I’m happy to share a simple outline of it here and let you decide what its value is to you.

There is a mix of principles which connect through everything I do, and while that encompasses such things as vision, planning, fascism, organizational culture, moustaches, stretching beyond hypothetical boundaries and so on, essentially, at the core of it all, is consideration of the individual.

It is about the whole person, not just the staff member, the robot, the cricketer, the sadist, the volunteer, etc. or how best we can use a person’s skills to benefit the bottom line, achieve company results, destroy the losers. It’s about valuing the individual and his or her needs to develop intellectually, emotionally, mechanically, technically, socially, hirsutely and spiritually.

Ultimately, in understanding your self, accepting your self, re-programming yourself and then loving your self for who you are, your personal style, your methods of communication become consistent. People understand you and what you stand for.

It is from this point that managing, coaching, leading others can begin. This is all hard to do, almost impossible

This is why I believe the only way forward is building Queensland style cricket Robots. Tall, tanned, broad shouldered, slightly retarded, athletic cricket robots. They shall bowl every ball in the corridor, hit the ball very hard, and be well-rounded robots.

I will rule the IPL with these brutes, and when I am finished with winning the IPL, my Queensland style cricket Robots, known as Bichels, will take over the world and then Shane Warne and Sourav Ganguly will be hung, drawn and quartered while I sit on a mahogany decking chair and drink Bundaberg rum.

They will pay; you will all pay; as long as my Vision for the KKR team works. It is my way or death.

I think we are all glad his vision did not work.

If you want to know more about John’s visions, or if you want Queensland Robots for your own gain, visit John’s website.

For the latest developments in the Fake IPL Player Saga click here.

“P.P.P.P.P.S. I have decided to retire from all forms of cricket after IPL. I will disclose my identity on our last match day.”

fake ipl player

Which is interesting, I spose.

Hopefully who ever it is makes it that far.

But the most interesting thing in the latest post is his bagging of New Zealand.

“The Kiwi coach has joined us to observe and learn from us. As if one mole wasn’t enough, our team now has invited a new one. Whatever prompted Mr Genius to choose our team over others, what’s now clear is why New Zealand is placed 8th in the ICC rankings.”

Nice.

Although let’s give Moles some credit, perhaps he went to KKR to see how too many coaches can ruin a cricket team.

Also thanks to the website who offered me a chance at covering a live chat of the fakester, but I might give it a miss after reading this,

“P.S. I think some website’s been advertising that I am appearing for a live chat. That’s not true. Under the circumstances I can’t live chat at all and nobody knows who I am.”

The correct answer to that is much less than Rahul Dravid makes.

That is not the answer Shah Ruh Khan wants to hear though.

He is reportedly trying to sell off his share in his blingy failure.

Ditch and run, son.

Can’t blame him, while the business side of Kolkata Knight Riders seems to be working ok (although their merchandise section on the blog is not working, I want a KKR head band god damnit), his nack for running a sporting team seems to be on par with George W Bush.

Kolkata have more coaches than players, they have a head coach, and a header coach.

They spent 600 grand on a bloke they don’t play.

Murali Kartik couldn’t get a game until they were finished.

Dropping Sourav as captain made sense on last years form, but it seems to have sapped the life out of the franchise.

And Prince Brendon doesn’t have the ego to take over a team with the Giant Alien Lizard in it.

Throw in the fact that SRK was starting to resemble a dildo, and you can’t blame him for leaving.

I am prepared to make an offer for the franchise, SRK, I will give you one used spoon for the team.

It may be your best offer.

I think I know Bradley Hodge as well as anyone who doesn’t know him, I am sure he would disagree with me, but he doesn’t have his own blog (or does he?), so fuck him.

And Brad is struggling at the moment.

Well not at the moment, for his whole IPL career he has been ordinary, and there is a reason.

Brad likes one of two things, to be the man, or to be pumped up.

For Victoria, and whichever county side he signs for, he is automatically the best batsman, and if he isn’t, he walks around like he is until everyone assumes he must be.

Try doing that in a change room with Prince Brendon, Gayle and the Giant Alien Lizard Ganguly.

On occasions when he walks into a dressing room with bigger names he needs something else to hold onto.

Ricky, bless his heart, understood Hodge.

They are roughly the same age, were both child prodigies, both footy players and are both pretty sure of their own abilities.

Had Hodge not had 6 odd years where he couldn’t buy a run, they would have been life long teammates.

When Brad comes into the Australian side, Ricky can’t stop making noises about how great he is, how he would be an automatic starter for most other sides, and then he bats him in important positions.

What generally happens is Hodge makes runs for Australia, his not inconsiderable ego is fondled nicely, and he does his job of back up top order international batsman rather well. 

The knight riders- off chasing phantom bloggers, designing blingy uniforms and losing games – haven’t spent any time pumping up Brad.

And his shithouse performances reflect this, but its not too late.

When he is struggling for Victoria, however rarely that has been in the last few years, I always imagined that Scholes, Hookes or Ship sent Brad out into the crowd (is 12 people a crowd?) and his mammoth ego is re inflated and runs are forth coming.

Buchanan can declare a day, preferably a match day, the ‘Brad Hodge is the greatest batsmen ever’ day, and get SRK (who is more mascot than owner) to spend that whole day talking Brad up, feeling Brad up, and taking that Ego to ejaculation point.

I promise the Knight Riders that this will work.