cricket with balls

As the hours tick down towards the start of their oh-so-tricky first Test against Bangladesh, England’s selectors are apparently enduring sleepless hours wondering who to leave out from the side.

So far, the only people certain not to be in the starting XI are Luke Wright and Stephen Davies. Even Liam Plunkett might get a call, on the grounds that (a) Stuart Broad might not be fit and (b) he’s the next most-capped bowler in the side – which would mean adopting the age-old English policy of going for experience despite the player having been resolutely crap for the entire tour.

Which means that they have to play Broad, because otherwise they have to play someone slightly less threatening than Angelina Ballerina. Except they can’t play him as a part of a two man pace attack, in case his back goes again.

In which case they have to play Finn, despite his being likely to blow away at the first gust of wind, because they have to play Bresnan, if only to ensure that there is some food left come the intervals.

But if they play three seamers, they have to leave out either a spinner or a batsman. Which means either leaving out Swann (unthinkable), the leading wicket taker on this leg of the tour (Tredwell), the guy who scored a ton in the last game (Trott), the only specialist opener in the side other than the captain (Carberry) or Ian Bell, who hasn’t really done anything to justify being dropped. For once.

And before anyone starts, you’ve more chance of catching Andy Flower climbing out of the back entrance of Robert Mugabe than you have of him dropping KP.

Never fear, though. Because the Balls has the answer. There isn’t one England player who isn’t taller than any given member of the Bangladesh starting XI – even Bell. And when you get to a certain height, your features must just be fading into the distance, like mountain tops. Which means that England should just take advantage of their opponents being a bit on the short side and just play Broad. And then, if he starts falling apart again, slip Finn onto the field in his place. A bit of hair dye and no-one will ever know.

And then the selectors can get a decent night’s sleep and stop coming up with stupid ideas such as Trott opening, or dropping Tredwell on a track prepared for their opponents’ 1283 spinners.

I freely admit that, fortunately, I have absolutely no idea what sex feels like for a woman, let alone what really bad sex feels like for one. But I am pretty sure that it goes something along the lines of a long, slow, build-up that sets every nerve ending on edge, followed by frenetic excitement which builds towards a tremendous moment of ecstasy and release of tension, only for the other party to get there first and finish off, just as you were about to meet your own glorious climax.

I’m also pretty sure that this must be how the Bangladesh side are feeling right now, having had England explode prematurely all over them in Dhaka.

Only Shakib Al Hasan knows why, when his spinners had taken 7 of the 8 England wickets to fall, he entrusted the final over to a quick bowler, Shafiul Islam, who was at that point not only his most conventional bowler, but his most expensive one. England’s tailenders had already shown that they couldn’t play spin. Wright, Bresnan and Swann had all perished to the most moronic of shots. Shakib himself had been played like he was the reincarnation of Hedley Verity and, although he had no overs of his own left, he had Mahmudullah and Naeem Islam available to bowl and to keep the pace off the ball.

Instead, Eoin Morgan, England’s least conventional batsman, took full advantage as Shafiul wilted under the pressure, seeing England to a win that ended up being far more comfortable than they deserved.

It is doubtful that they will make the same mistake again. Then again, it is doubtful that England will bat that badly again, either. Bangladesh had showed what needed to be done. Every batsman bar Aftab Ahmed (whose continued inclusion in the side is more baffling than anything Shakib bowled) played themselves in before making runs. For England, Kieswetter, Pietersen and Collingwood, as well as the three mentioned above, all fell to poor shots played before they were properly in. There aren’t many attacks in the world in which you could chuck six wickets away with gay abandon and still win – and if this Bangladesh side keep improving at their current rate, no side will be able to be this careless in the future, either.

In the end, though, whilst the performance may have been a lot better, it was still England who went away sated and Bangladesh who were left crying into their pillow.

Yesterday’s face saving innings (from an Australian, if not a personal perspective) has had a few people wondering if Clarke is one of the best batsmen in the world today.

Hmmmmm.

Yesterday’s ton was his 12th in 81 innings, a strike rate of one every 6.75 innings.

In the current series, that puts him behind Ponting (exactly 1:6), but ahead of both Katich and Mr Cricket. But it also puts him behind Strauss (1:6.61) and Pietersen (1:6.06). Which, for my money, makes him no better than 5th in the world and probably not even in the top ten.Unfortunately for Australia, he’s currently their only batsman in any kind of consistent form and yet he’s still rubbish against the moving ball. If one thing emphasises Australia’s struggles in this series, it is that.

(Katich and Hussey, incidentally, have very similar records. One lost his place and fought and fought til he won it back; the other seems undroppable no matter how bad his form. Makes you wonder who deserves that Mr Cricket title more, doesn’t it?)

Jonathan Trott was born in South Africa.

So were Andrew Strauss and Matt Prior.

Throw in Kevin Pietersen and that’s 1/4 of the 16 players England have called up this summer who were born Saffers.

I don’t have a problem with this. England has a proud tradition of utilising players from the former colonies. Heck, some of them – Dexter, Grieg, Lamb (once) and two of the above have gone on to captain the side.

My problem is that we’re clearly missing a trick. None of these have produced offspring who were also born abroad (preferably in SA). This shows a serious lack of forward planning by the ECB. Hell, Strauss was even allowed to return home from a tour to be with his wife whilst she gave birth. In England. What the ECB should’ve done was to ship her out to Jo’burg at 24 weeks, then confine her there until after the big squeeze.

They made the same mistake with Mrs Prior, too, which just shows what a bunch of braindeads they are.

KP has to be next in the frame. He’s got a few weeks where he can’t really do anything but put his feet up and he’s known to enjoy spending extra time with Jessica. If Geoff Miller hasn’t stuck the pair of them on a plane to Durban by now, he should be penning his resignation letter first thing in the morning. The future of English cricket demands nothing less.

The young fan who wants to grow up and play across the line and have a pop star girlfriend.

The ladies/gay men who feel KP brings a certain level of sexual sophistication to the game.

Andy Flower, who believes that KP brings a sense of dynamism to the English batting line up.

The Australian fan who loves to see him hobble.

The anti KP faction who love it when his average is coming down.

His sponsors, especially the VW Phaeton of whom KP thinks, “Its a fantastic car that let’s me travel in style up and down the country allowing me to arrive refreshed and relaxed.”

The Australians, who must have been happy that he was looking toothless.

The cameramen, now who will be their default shot.

Jessica Taylor, who has to put up with him 24/7.

News of the World, who paid all this money for a gimp.

Ian Bell.

This is a trick question of course, the real answer is the English cricket media.