cricket with balls

Hey Tim,

Here is another dossier, whatever the fuck that means. Try keep this one private if you could. I came across this kid when looking for photos of myself.

This is some Indian kid, he is like 5 or something, but I already see some worrying signs, so I thought I would work him out for you in case he gets picked soon.

Yes he all looks pretty and shit, better than N Hauritz and all, but that don’t mean nothin in test cricket. Look at the amount of time he cover drives in the air, two short covers and a tight line could sort him out.

Later on in the footage he gets hit in the face, kid is a pussy, can’t play short bowling, work him over.

Did you see any defensive shots? No. Try facing a fired up Freddie Flintoff or Wasim Akram without the forward defence, you’ll lose your off pole in two seconds. Plays those wanky scoop shots as well, without a helmet, chance he would knock out a few teeth I reckon. Plays across the line alot, that is ok with a green fucken ball on concrete, try doing that to Allan Donald on a green wicket kid.

Kid seems to have the personality of an eggplant. Hardly smiles, frowns or does anything a normal person would do. You can work up some sledges around that. Also boys hate to be called girls, so call him one at all times, get in his head. No point callin him a poofter, he won’t know what one is.

Thinks of himself as a bowler too. He aint shit. Get in his face about how shit a bowler he is, really tell him about it. This might wound his massive ego, and he will play those shitty slog sweeps.

On another video I saw him get bowled Boof Lehmann style. Watch his face, he turns around, he looks afraid, daddy/coach issues I reckon. This is his big weakness. Find out the name of the person pulling the strings, and every time he plays a bad shot say, “So and So won’t be happy with that one, you have let so and so down there”, and shit like that.

Trust me this kid can be broken, he aint no Matty Hayden (who is?), but we must start planning now don’t ignore him just cause he is gnome sized.

Justin Langer says he would play in the ashes if asked.

He was clearly taking the piss.

a) because he wouldn’t be asked.

b) because he wouldn’t play.

c) because oh derr.

Please Mr Newspapermen, don’t fuck us.

Today England picked a young bowler by the name of Graham Onions for the test series against the Windies.

If you feel the need, you can put puns in the comments.

Mr Onions was so excited by the news, he went forth and took 6 for 30 on an actual road at Taunton.

Durham had managed over 500.

After Onions had finished with Somerset they were all out for 69, with a bitter help from ex aussie Callum Thorp, and very little from Harmy.

It was a tremendous effort from Onions, I saw a fair bit of it, and he is a skiddy bowler at around 135 with a bit of movement, and every time I have seen him bowl he has impressed me.

I should be worried, here is a fresh talent from England who can obviously bowl and is about to get a warm up before the Ashes.

I’m not worried though.

Not even a little bit.

Why?

While Somerset got bowled out for 69, there was one batsman came in at first drop, and never went out.

He made 32* and looked tougher and better than any of his team mates.

His name, Justin Langer.

And while the Somerset batsmen, including ol’ blue eyes Marcus Trescothick, looked like shit, Justin just nuggeted it out.

In unrelated news, Phil Hughes made another hundred today.

Being that I am literally in England, I now get to hear things “on the grape vine”.

Rumours, innuendo and scandal.

And no, I’m not talking about the Trescothick/Vaughan cuckold rumour (which i don’t believe, no michael slater joke here).

I mean real cricket rumours, like Justin Langer is a chance to be the next coach of England (not Australia, that would be stupid).

Let that soak in down under for a second.

Ok.

I usually (rarely) like to state the good things about someone before launching an attack on them.

Justin Langer was the toughest batsman of the modern era, he enjoyed being hit by a ball, and he would prefer to face Ahktar to Scott Styris.

He got the most out of a severe lack of skill, and was part of the Born again Steve movement.

Tough and made runs, good things.

But Coach Langer?

Can he even speak, generally it takes him 3 minutes of incomprehensible babble to get out some sort of point, and often my head hurts.

His brief appearances as commentator were horrible, Mark Taylor seemed quite well spoken in comparison.

And while I am sure he has knowledge as a long serving test player, I never heard him referred as a tactician.

He was never even thought of as captaincy material.

And he has been hit more times in the head than Muhummad Ali and Joe Brugner combined.

Is this the man England need?

Fuck no.

But maybe I am rating coaches on the modern scale.

Nerdy dudes who like laptops and have their pants at Jimmy Smits levels.

Perhaps I should think about the old school coach who was tough as guts, bordering on criminally violent, and always quick with a witty swear laden putdown.

If England wants that sort of coach, Langer would be the perfect man.

Also Langer would be the ying to KP’s yang.

And then the coach is JL and the captain is KP, saves alot of typing for me.

If you were impressed that I went the whole blog without using the term brown nosed gnome, tell me in the comments.

Justin Langer has been pronounced a member of the Order of Australia.

If you are wondering what that means, so are most Australians.

It is some sort of award that is handed out to sportsman and politicians on days that are deemed important.

Justin obviously got his for the day I saw him tell a friend of mine that he would “fucken smack the fuck out of him” at the G after the little angry man had gone out.

Langer had a hate/hate relationship with the Victorian crowd.

Another day I swore he was going to jump the fence when I guy kept calling him a shit little dwarf.

In Australia this is the sort of behaviour that wins you our highest honours.

In couldn’t have been for his performances on the cricket field, as according to cricinfo, Langer, 37, played 105 Tests and scored 696 runs at 45.12.

What’s that, like 6 runs a test, not very Order of Australian to me.

But Langer will be happy with the honour, as he is now as respected a member of Australia as Dean Jones is.

I contacted Dean Jones for a quote

“Langer’s Order of Australia reminds me of a time I faced Qadir in Karachi on a raging turner, he thought he had me with a wicked wrong one, but I picked it and smashed it through midwicket for four, I really batted well that day.”

DM Jones c Ijaz Ahmed b Abdul Qadir 4