cricket with balls

When Jesse Ryder first injured his groin I made jokes about it. And now I feel the same urge.

But his groin, as magnificent as a groin can be, is no laughing matter.

Jesse has been out of cricket so long that I can’t even remember his smile.

To be exact that is 10,713,600 seconds, or 124 days.  I know this because of my Jesse Ryder calendar in my room.

You might think that 124 days is not a long time, but in Jesse time, this is years.

We don’t know how much Jesse we will get, he is not the Michael Hussey type of level headed sensibly attired well groomed individual.

Tomorrow he could get drunk and strangle the flight of the conchord boys.

He could get run over crossing the road at 2am for his buckets of chicken

A nurse could fall in love with him and convince him to farm potatoes.

So we need him back playing cricket.

This groin that has already hidden him from us for 124 days is now ruining tours that haven’t even happened yet.

No Jesse for the Australia and Bangladesh tours, and now not even the smoothly manicured hands of Lalit Modi can get Jesse fit for the IPL.

It looks like this groin will continue being the bane of my existence.

But, if you are a kiwi, maybe there is something you can do.

If you are walking down the street and you see Jesse, don’t just bow down worshipping at his impressive alter, go up to him and offer to massage his groin.

If nothing else, the offer will make him feel better.

Come on, kiwis, get your hands on Jesse’s groin, and let us heal it with the power of love.

In fact, even those of you who can’t get to Jesse can help, put his groin in your prayers/thoughts/dreams.

We need to work together people, a global cyber healing hand for Jesse, and his groin.

Touch him, like he has touched us.

Get better soon, big fella.

Buy the book, get a t-shirt, or donate to the whisky fund.

The Cricket Gods hate us, all of us.

Roy goes home.

Dirk goes home.

Sehwag goes home.

And now Jesse has an infected groin.

Tell me there isn’t at least one player on this list you love to watch.

Someone who makes you want to tell that special someone that you have a headache just to watch them play.

Look who has replaced them.

Cameron White, Fresh Air, Dinesh Kartik and Aaron Redmond.

Come on.

Give us something.

I like Cam, and I think Dinish looked in sparkling for in the IPL, but look at the names we are missing.

Seems like someone is pissing on this tournament.

I mean Aaron Redmond.

Give me a break.

I fell asleep once thinking of him batting.

Hard-hitting New Zealand cricketer Jesse Ryder has been admitted to a London hospital after injuring his groin in a Magic Johnson style sex romp.

Concern over his groin muscle injury continues to escalate as Jesse refuses to stop bedding Women at Julio Iglesias numbers, as he believes that having multiple partners actually improves his footwork. 

Ryder was unavailable to play in New Zealand’s one-run loss to South Africa, as the groin was massively inflamed after he met two cute red heads in his hotel bar.

Shortly after the match team manager Steve Hustle said Ryder, who was able to play in the tournament opener against Scotland despite the injury, had been taken to a nearby hospital, and that only male Nurses were allowed to treat Jesse.

“Jesse is continuing to suffer serious inflammation in the groin area along with general wear and tear from a high work load and has been admitted to hospital overnight for enforced abstinence,” Hustle said.

Rumours that Ross Taylor’s lower back/hamstring injury is related to Jesse being on heat seem unfounded, but the two are rarely separated.

Jesse has always been known as a sexual tyrannosaurus, but in the past it has never affected his cricket.

Hustle said “Jesse still believes he can play, but we have never seen a groin that inflamed, not even in the days of Richard Hadlee or Jeff Crowe, and we want to be sure Jesse is ok before we let him continue with his cricket and his extra curricular activities.”

Tonight I saw Jesse in the flesh for the first time.

And what wonderful flesh it was.

Sure he only lasted half an over, but even watching Jesse at the non strikers end was a delight.

He doesn’t just lean on the bat, he slouches in a provocative 1930s femme fatale type of way.

And while other batsmen walk out like nervously, or over-ambitiously, Jesse walks out like he is on the way to the pub.

He might have failed, but he can never truly fail in my eyes.

Imagine you are a cricket cult figure/leader.

In your (recent) past you were a bit of a bad boy.

You haven’t touched the booze in over a hundred days.

Now you are offered a contract to play for cricket team owned by an alcohol merchant.

When you get to South Africa, you and the other players enter fantasia, and quickly you realise this isn’t a professional cricket tournament, it’s an entertainment package.

You find it hard to fire up for the games.

The truth is you couldn’t give a fuck about your performances.

And one night you get bored in your hotel, you and your mate have just watched Bill & Ted for the 5th time.

You decide to go out and take in the sights.

Somehow you end up in a bar.

The drinks flow, you partake in a few, and before long you’re having a great time.

Perhaps with your 100 day absence from the beverages, you get a little drunker than you remember, and others have to help you home.

Even though it’s a slow night out for you, it makes the news.

But really, when it comes to Jesse, would we want it any other way?