cricket with balls

“Oh, he is so cute and loveable; I just wanna take him home to my mum so we can double team him”.

I know that is what you think about little Nathan Hauritz.  But behind that puppy dog exterior is a cold-hearted assassin.  One who will kill anyone to get where he wants.  An aspirational career driven sociopath.

Not only has he led many a batsman to their untimely and embarrassing end, he is also taking out Australian spinners one at a time.

First was beautiful Beau Casson, who was too young to die, but Hauritz took him out during a shield game, but made it look like suicide.  He placed sweets down on a trail that led Beau got to the edge of a cliff and Nathan ran up behind him in a Mr Squiggle mask and said boo.

Then Bryce McGain was taken out when Hauritz bribed Kallis with 7 pigs he killed with his owns hands.  When that wasn’t enough Hauritz showed Kallis and Prince this website, but most importantly the parts about Prince, Kallis and Bryce, to prove that I don’t exist and Bryce writes this site.

And now, Jason Krejza is gone.

It was probably the most horrendous of all Nathan’s crimes, as he did it with help of a whole team of suicidal Pakistani batsmen, and the Tasmanian brain’s trust.

It was disgusting, and when Nathan was finished all that was left was a puddle of blood, excrement and organs, with a newspaper clipping that was mostly unreadable except for the number 12.

Sorry to burst your bubble, people, but little Nathan is an angel of death.

One by one he is taking these spinners out.  Right under our noses.  Yet no one is doing anything about it.

Someone must stop him, otherwise Steven Smith will take a bite of some weird tasting vegemite sandwiches any day now.

Buy the book, get a t-shirt, or donate to the whisky fund.

Ed Cowan told twitter it came out of the footmarks and gave him wood.

Jimmy Maxwell said it hit a crack and was a work in progress.

Terry Jenner informed Australia it was chucking and against the law in his book.

And AGB questions if the selectors will pick someone who bowls it.

All of this because Australia’s off spinning back up, Jason Krezja, got one to go the other way.

About 12 people have seen this ball (it was during a shield game), but it has stirred up some emotion already.

Not be left behind, Nathan Hauritz has jumped on the doosra bandwagon, saying he has one, but he is afraid to use it. Strong words, Nathan.

Bryce McGain doesn’t have one, but he did take 7 wickets for 92 runs in his last first class game and I haven’t stopped smiling since.

Aaron O’Brien probably doesn’t have one, but no one knows who he is anyway.

Marcus North doesn’t care. He is a batsman.

This time last year I was writing about how you’d be better off trying to survive a zombie attack than trying to pick an aussie spinner.

Now there is little Nathan defying logic and common sense, Krezja has a mystery ball, McGain is fit, and O’Brien is taking wickets and making runs.

Four of the top ten wicket takers in first class cricket this year are spinners, last year at this stage there were none, and that doesn’t even count little Nathan, Cullen Bailey or Jon Holland.

Oh baby, Australia is spinning again, both ways.

Australia may not be the spinning wasteland it was, there are options, all rounders, wrist spinners, and now one of their spinners has dabbled in voodoo.

The selectors NSP are even going to use little Nathan at the gabbatoir, even if he doesn’t believe in his doosra yet.

It is like the Oval never happened.

Australia’s spinners, the ugliness has been spread around.

Hogg 2 tests

We started with Hogg, why, because MacGill was injured and stroppy, and instead of trusting the most inform spinner in the country, McGain, they went with the one day spinner.

It was a mistake, if Yuvraj and Gunguly didn’t play, Hogg would have killed himself. Instead, he retired.

MacGill 2 tests

Then MacGill was ‘fit’, so he was rushed backed into the side. He was not fit, he was not motivated, and decided to give it up. The problem was Australia selectors did not think this was a possibility. Instead of taking the next best spinner in the country, they took a project player.

Even MacGill has said McGain should have been taken. He wasn’t and Casson was given a test.

Beau Casson 1 test

Casson was no where in Australian spinning. I wrote about the best 7 or so spinners in shield cricket mid way through last year, and he wasn’t on it. I saw him bowl on the same pitch McGain took a five for, and he was ordinary, Victoria treated him like a part timer. I assumed he was playing as a batsman.

Then he took wickets in his last 3 or 4 matches, and he took a fair few, some of them were taken head to head against McGain in the shield final, a game where McGain was injured and Victoria had a impossible chase on the last day but they had a crack anyway and Casson cashed in.

This, and the fact MacGill was fit, meant he got a ticket to the Windies, and then a test match, as flying McGain over for a dead test was never going to happen. He picked up 3 wickets and bowled average, then he was shafted. Now they look to have ruined his confidence forever.

Picking Hauritz before him was like getting his Grandmother to shit down his throat, after the rest of the family have had their turn. By the time he is feeling better, others will be ahead of him.

White 4 tests

Was picked under the” he can bat a bit and when he was younger he bowled ok” ruling for India. The selection never really made sense, and when Krejza came in and did well, it made even less sense.

White hardly bowled for Victoria in the previous season, and in general struggles to bowl to good players of spin. So picking him was their way of saying, the rest of you suck.

4 tests, can you believe it.

Krejza 1 test

According to Tim Neilson, was held back until he was ready. Lucky he wasn’t played a week earlier, that could have been disastrous. I thought he was the best spinner behind McGain, and that still looks correct, his 12 wickets are hard to really judge, but his bowling was good, and he stood under the pressure.

He would be pissed to miss the Gabba, and then Radelaide, especially being replaced by a club spinner, but will definitely play in Melbourne and Sydney.

Hauritz 1 test

Who the hell knows. Ricky seems to think he bowled ok, Jeremy Coney and Paul Allot gave him some stick on sky, I thought he was lucky, to get a test and wickets.

I would have preferred Xavier Doherty or Aaron Heal really.

McGain, never mind

cricketwithballs

This never really happened, did it.

8 wickets, on debut, for a guy with a first class record that makes ordinary look great.

It’s a fucken surreal dream that should include ants coming out of hands.

We don’t even know the dude though.

Imagine you were Krejza’s best friend, his lover, his mother.

Hopefully not all three.

But one of them.

And he was playing his first test.

What is the best result you could hope for, 6 wickets in the match, a handy 2 for in the first innings, an a plucky 4 wickets in the second.

What would you be thinking as the wickets went down one by one.

Dravid, the wall, mounted by your little boy.

Sehwag, the god, struck down by your special guy.

VVS, the surgeon, sliced open by your main man.

Dhoni, the waddling model, side swiped by your mate.

Ganguly, the Giant Alien Lizard, probed by the light of your life.

Then the tailenders, which are the cherry on top of your surreal little day.

Can you imagine how this would feel?

Ofcourse not, because we saw this shit, we don’t know him, and half of us don’t believe what we saw.

Imagine what his family, friends and lovers must be feeling.

Some of them must be thinking they just drank from one of Jason’s spiked drinks.

They must be doubting their reality matrix at this stage.

And if the freaky deaky dream like Krejza experience wasn’t enough, then as they are coming down, a krab scuttles out and makes 90* off 120 balls.

Luis Buñuel couldn’t make that shit up.