cricket with balls

David Saker has been announced as bowling coach for England. Saker had to beat out Craig “real estate mogul” McDermott and the man with the most serious face in the business, Allan Donald.

I spent way too many afternoons watching Saker run in, beat the bat, yell, walk back muttering to himself, and then repeat.

He was so clearly insane, in the best possible fast bowling way.

I remember one game where he sledged a batsmen so loudly that I could hear it and I was out the back buying a pie.

Victorians loved him, everyone else hated him.

So what will he do when he takes over a bowling group full of male models and solid notherners.

Stuart Broad

For the first time in his career, Broad focuses on bowling tight nagging spells just outside off stump and never tries to bowl anything else. Everything is going fine until Billy Doctrove is asleep one day and misses a plumb LBW, next over Broad is fielding a ball at short fine leg but still manages to “accidently” to hit Doctrove in the throat with a throw to the keeper. Broad goes off the field to write up his apology.

James Anderson

Starts bareknuckle brawling and this leads to a dramatic improvement in his performance. Whereas before he would glare at a batsmen and the batsmen would think he was auditioning for Men’s Health, now they see the scars and glint in his eye and get scared.

Ryan Sidebottom & Tim Bresnan

Nothing much changes in they way they play, but experts notice that their sledging has a much more personal edge to it, Ryan refers to it as the 1 percent he needs for success. Unfortunately Sky mic Bresnan up for a T20 game and then have to apologise to all homosexuals, hermaphrodites and anyone who has ever loved the Little Mermaid. Sidebottom is dropped after bowling a bouncer fromtwo metres over the crease before running through to the batsmen and clothes lining the batsmen.

Liam Plunkett

Never plays again.

Graham Onions

Claims he is, and always has been, a rolling stones fan and hates that pissy pop music like Lily Allen. He also dyes his hair strawberry blond, puts on some weight, pinks his cheeks regularly and finally grows a goatee. He also lengthens his follow through by 10 feet.

Darren Pattinson

Hits Stuart Law in a pro40 game and is rushed into the test side where he becomes an into the wind specialist and goes on to take 300 wickets for England.

This is how cricinfo described the Cook dismissal:

“29.1

Johnson to Anderson, 1 leg bye, fast and full, Anderson gets pad on it and gets a leg-bye

Odd that Anderson would take one there. Isn’t the nightwatchman supposed to protect the recognised batsman?

29.2

Johnson to Cook, no run, oh boy, this one stays a bit low, it’s right on line and Cook is fortunate that he got the bat down in time to get an inside edge on that

29.3

Johnson to Cook, no run, left alone outside off

29.4

Johnson to Cook, no run, clipped away to square leg

29.5

Johnson to Cook, no run, outside off, Cook can safely let this one go through to Haddin

29.6

Johnson to Cook, OUT, Cook is gone! Johnson gets another, fast and full, swinging away from Cook, who gets a thin edge through to Haddin. Wonderful bowling!

AN Cook c †Haddin b Johnson 30 (136m 84b 4×4 0×6) SR: 35.71

What a spell from Mitchell Johnson. He’s back, no question. And you have to wonder about the sense of using a nightwatchman if he’s not going to take the strike.”

My thoughts on nightwatchman are well known (any batsman who calls for one should be beaten with shoes) but surely if one is out there he should do his fucken job.

England didn’t need a nightwatchman, they needed Jesus, Elvis and Keith Miller to come in.

It’s true. I did the maths.

Ofcourse there are only ever 40 wickets to get in a match, so the extra 29 balls should be superfluous.

Monty and Jimmy did well though.

It is along time to bat when you know one wicket is all it takes.

It was a longer partnership than any of the first 5.

Professional batsmen all of them.

Not awkward tailenders struggling to hold onto the bats and play shots at the same time.

Guys who practise batting for hours each day.

Guys who eat nice food, drive sexy cars, and bed fine women all based on the fact that they are in the top 6 for their country.

And Montybot and Jimmy put on a better partnership than all of them.

It is sort of like buying a sex toy, and enjoying the box more.

As long as it gets you off, it’s all good.

When you are along side Neil McKenzie and James Anderson, you’d almost have to say no to the award.

McKenzie’s 2008 was so good he was dropped 2 tests into 2009, and his 2008 yielded 3 hundreds in 14 tests.

And James Anderson averaged 29 in tests, and 74 in one dayers.

Surely CWB’s Holly Colvin would have been the better option than either of these two muppets.

Boucher also made it, um, that is cool, not sure why he is there. Averaged 27 against England and 33 over all, made one hundred for the year against Bangladesh. If he was picked because Sclyd Berry likes him I can respect that.

And ofcourse the token county player, also a South African, Dale Benkenstein, who had a cracking year.

While it is great that Wisden finally recognised women’s cricket, it’s just a shame Claire had to share the honour with lesser cricketers.

Ofcourse the whole system is a bit of a joke, if I was Claire I would refuse to be involved at all.

Sorry to keep harping on about this, but I couldn’t let the big news of today pass without comment. Forget what is going on in New Zealand. Forget whatever happens later in the Carribean. A woman has been named as one of Wisden’s fiver cricketers of 2008.

Not just any woman, either, but England’s Claire Taylor. You probably have heard of her, as she was player of the tournament in the recent World Cup. This, on the other hand, is recognition of her stellar performances with the bat last year.

There will be people who criticise this decision and who see it as yet another change wrought by new Wisden editor Scyld Berry where none was needed. These people are very wrong. 2008 was hardly a vintage year for cricket. The others honoured are James Anderson, Dale Blenkenstein, Mark Boucher and Neil McKenzie, which to my mind makes two awards for longevity, one for leading your side to a title and one for being the only man in the world more superstitious than me. On performance alone, Taylor deserves to be there.