cricket with balls

Cricket journalists love a day like today.

They get all sweated up talking about how this is a proper day of cricket.

A typical sentence will be, “What an attritional, gritty, gruelling, testing, resolute arm wrestle of a contest, I remember a day like this….”

Not that they were wrong, those adjectives are correct. It was all of them, as are most days when Kallis makes runs.

Not that it was his fault, Kallis went slightly quicker than he usually does, it was just that no one else batted even that fast.

Amla and Prince dug themselves in.

AB looked a bit tentative.

And JP Duminy spent most of his day not scoring of the shorter ball.

South Africa were batting like a team really worried that their new four man attack, replete with new boy Friedel de Wet (check out the hair cut) was not quite as good as their attack of earlier this year.

England put South Africa in; not with any intent it seemed, but just to spice things up a little like a married coupe doing it with the lights on.

Botham yelled at Broad, Onions had no luck, Anderson was average and Collingwood wasn’t the worst medium pacer to bowl.

They were saved by Swann. Kallis decided that Swann was going to go the way of Bryce McGain, and for a couple of overs it looked possible, but Swann came back strong and was the only bowler who looked capable of taking a bag of wickets.

As all spinners do on the first day of a test when their captain have sent the opposition in.

South Africa’s treacle run rate will keep England interested, but they will need to score a lot more runs to give this make shift bowling unit a chance.

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Looking at my google hits I would say the number one question in cricket at the moment is about Jacques Kallis.

Not about whether he is fit, the world’s best player or whom he is dating.

But whether he is a hermaphrodite/eunuch/woman.

He isn’t.

I haven’t checked, but he isn’t.

Kallis was born with a penis and testicles, he hasn’t cut them off, he doesn’t have a vagina, he is just a man.

Look at him, he is clearly a South African male in every way.

He doesn’t even look like a East Berlin female athlete.

He simply is a dude from South Africa.

People always want to know about this, I was even asked this while playing howzat the other day.

Yes he is a touch mooby, and he has nice hips for a bloke, but he is a man.

It does ruin the story though.

If he was a woman, or at least, intersex, that would be the greatest sporting story ever.

Forget about hairy polish women cleaning up in the sprints, this would be a person with both sets of genitals, either tiny vag, or baby sized penis, beating other full men.That has never knowingly been done before, the intersex usually perform against the women.

It still wouldn’t explain Kallis as a emtity, but I’d write a book on him/her.

Ofcourse if he is a eunuch, you’d have to ask why?

Did he not like the feel of the box on his junk?

But I fear he is just a normal human man.

Sorry.

Are you sick of the unwanted bulge?

Is there too much junk in your trunk?

Sick and tired of people shouting wide when you are around?

Then you need Kallisthenics.

A fitness work out from the world’s finest international allrounder, Jacques Kallis.

Kallis has come up with a routine that will get you in the sort of shape required to bowl into out swingers into the wind all day.

“Hi, I’m South African all rounder Jacques Kallis, , I’ve made 10277 test runs and taken 258 wickets.

If you, like me, have struggled with your weight, why not try Kallisthenics, it is a complete body shaping series that can get you into International cricket shape. Who knows, you might even get a call up.

This is is the routine that I used to get into top shape, and I give it my personal Jacques seal of approval.”

If you want to get into shape like a test all rounder, Kallisenics is your only option.

Don’t delay, call the number now.

“After all, we all want to be all rounders, but none of us want to be all round.”

If you want proof that Twenty20 is a proper form of cricket, look no further than South Africa choking.

If the form of cricket was all piss and giggles, South Africa would have crushed it like a big.

They didn’t.

While the talent of Afridi and Gul was the over riding factor in the victory, no one should down play the part that South Africa’s choke put in.

The innings of Jacques Kallis was positively awe inspiring, while other batsmen would have looked at the situation and said, “I know I am the Anchor here, but I see that the other batsman is struggling and the game is getting away from me, I better do something here”. Jacques seemed to say, if I play my cards right there is a not out in this for me.

JP Duminy was almost as bad. When you are batting with a cadaverous batsman and you have Albie and Boucher behind you, surely you have to step it up a bit. Sure JP tried, but he just didn’t try hard enough, There were so many times he should have just hit out or got out.

This was a partnership made in T20 hell.

And once Kallis went out, Albie got to face 4 balls.

That was it.

South Africa were out.

Graeme Smith said they were just beaten by a better team, and he was right.

A team that handled the pressure, performed at a much higher level, had match winners, didn’t have a innings paralysing partnership and didn’t choke.

This is one of the days that people love T20.

Cricket’s version of David Carradine has done it again, the saffas have choked.

Cough, cough, choke.

Afridi put the noose on, then he tightened it.

Umar Gul squeezed then to within an inch of death.

Jacques Kallis sat in the corner watching the whole thing.

And Mohammad Aamer locked the wardrobe door.

Why does a South African choke feel like your team has just won?

5 wins on the trot.

The Evil Robotic white ball players looked indestructible, but none of us really believed it, did we?

Why?

Because they choke.

They always choke.

Every world cup/thingy they choke.

And what better a man than Shahid Afridi to do the choking.

Can’t you just see him clad in leather from head to toe, whipping a ball gagged South African in a gimp mask that he’s already strung up before him.

What am I saying, if you saw the match that is exactly what you saw.

Because South Africa choked again.