cricket with balls

In order for any ex ICL player to be let back into proper cricket they have to go through a few ceremonial activities.

They shall be flogged by ex test players who are currently finding it tough to make ends meet.

Players must bathe themselves in the urine of the pure, the under 23 IPL players.

All hairs must be plucked from their bodies, one by one, in a process that should take 5 days.

They shall have cheese graters taken over their testicles by the best Italian chefs in India.

Their nipples shall be cut off with butter knives, and sewn back on by excitable teenage girls.

They shall have to spend one hour with Navjot Siidhu.

Players will have to impale themselves on bat cones, and then switch bat cones with the person to their right.

Each player must cook and eat their faeces.

And then to finish it off, the players have to grovel at the feet of Lalit Modi until he thinks they have learned their lesson.

I know what you are thinking, I can’t wait to see this.

Well luckily for you Zee TV are showing it, all they need to do is kill off the first born child of each employee and Lalit will allow them full access.

Old cricketers have a few options available to them.

Pundit, administracrat, coach, ICL player, or drug mule.

The first three require brains, or nude photos of important people, the last two don’t.

Had Chris Lewis played in the ICL he would not have trafficked illegal drugs.

If he was bowling to Craig McMillan and batting with Stuart Law he wouldn’t have time to put cocaine into cans and take it into the UK.

You can’t do both. Obviously.

The question is what is  worse, to be a drug mule or an ICL cricketer?

If Lewis had received a 6 month sentence, he could realistically be playing international cricket before the ICL players (talent, dedication and age not withstanding).

There is probably more money in playing for the ICL, if they pay you, not even Lalit can get you jail time for playing in it.

On the plus side prison uniforms are usually way more flattering than anything the IPL has.

The ICL has Mayanti Langer, in prison Chris Lewis is the Mayanti.

Going to prison gives you street cred, playing in the ICL means you hang with Chris Harris.

And in Prison you don’t have to deal with Tony Greig.

Chris Lewis has got it easy.

The dirty diseased ICLers are being dragged out of Quarantine, and one day could end up as real live International and Domestic cricketers again.

Hallelujah, praise the Lalit.

Lalit might be an asshole, but what an asshole he is; in one foul swoop he has ended the ICL.

How could it possibly run a tournament now?

They are broke, broken, and they will lose more than a few of their better players from this.

Guys like Imran Nazir, Shane Bond and Stuary Binny will surely be on the shopping list of the KKR and Bangalore train wrecks.

And the best thing is that this all happened because ICL players came to the BCCi and ‘admitted their mistake’.

They admitted that it was a mistake to try pay their mortgages off quicker, especially the ones who signed up before the IPL even existed.

This is just for the Indian players, because the BCCi has no say over cricketers from other nations.

Pause.

This should now end all the bullshit with the ICL players once and for all.

The players can’t come straight back into International cricket, there is a one year punishment that goes with coming back and saying you’re wrong.

Apparently Lalit will individually take each player over his knee and whack them until they cry.

No one will spank Tony Greig, well, someone will, but for pleasure, not pain.

Pakistan picked ICL players for the t20 hey what a groovy concept cup only days ago.

And now.

“The factual position is that we have dropped these players as we are still waiting for a clear ruling from the International Cricket Council on the ICL players,”

What is the unfactual position.

“Lalit had some hired goons drop around with large bats and short tempers and we thought fuck this is all a bit serious”.

Either someone in the PCB is braindead, or they did it to test the water, but a back flip as complete and fast as this isn’t really worth anything at all.

Sri Lanka did one as well.

Seems a bit pointless really, but at least I had a couple of nights worth of Imran Nazir wet dreams.

Pakistan has named dirty diseased ICL players in their world t20 boom cup.

One of them was cricket with balls’ favourite ICL player Imran Nazir, a speed freak type batsman.

Who knows that this means for global cricket harmony.

But with the ICL falling apart at the seams, we are going to see New Zealanders, Pakistanis and Bangladeshis back in real cricket soon.

Surely even the BCCi must forget about bans and bullshit now.

Or Lalit can have all returning players offed.