As the hours tick down towards the start of their oh-so-tricky first Test against Bangladesh, England’s selectors are apparently enduring sleepless hours wondering who to leave out from the side.

So far, the only people certain not to be in the starting XI are Luke Wright and Stephen Davies. Even Liam Plunkett might get a call, on the grounds that (a) Stuart Broad might not be fit and (b) he’s the next most-capped bowler in the side – which would mean adopting the age-old English policy of going for experience despite the player having been resolutely crap for the entire tour.

Which means that they have to play Broad, because otherwise they have to play someone slightly less threatening than Angelina Ballerina. Except they can’t play him as a part of a two man pace attack, in case his back goes again.

In which case they have to play Finn, despite his being likely to blow away at the first gust of wind, because they have to play Bresnan, if only to ensure that there is some food left come the intervals.

But if they play three seamers, they have to leave out either a spinner or a batsman. Which means either leaving out Swann (unthinkable), the leading wicket taker on this leg of the tour (Tredwell), the guy who scored a ton in the last game (Trott), the only specialist opener in the side other than the captain (Carberry) or Ian Bell, who hasn’t really done anything to justify being dropped. For once.

And before anyone starts, you’ve more chance of catching Andy Flower climbing out of the back entrance of Robert Mugabe than you have of him dropping KP.

Never fear, though. Because the Balls has the answer. There isn’t one England player who isn’t taller than any given member of the Bangladesh starting XI – even Bell. And when you get to a certain height, your features must just be fading into the distance, like mountain tops. Which means that England should just take advantage of their opponents being a bit on the short side and just play Broad. And then, if he starts falling apart again, slip Finn onto the field in his place. A bit of hair dye and no-one will ever know.

And then the selectors can get a decent night’s sleep and stop coming up with stupid ideas such as Trott opening, or dropping Tredwell on a track prepared for their opponents’ 1283 spinners.

This was originally on cricinfo, but, even without swearing and perversions, I really liked it. for some reason I forgot to put it up before.

If the apocalypse were to come tomorrow, most of us would be dead. But if Hollywood has taught us anything it is that people always survive. While Kallis, Ponting and Dhoni wouldn’t make it, there would be cricketers who would. And it isn’t always the most popular or talented who survive the end times.

Nathan Hauritz cannot be killed by bombs or global pandemics. This is a man who couldn’t get picked for his state side, averaged over 50 with the ball in first-class cricket, and now averages 30 in Test cricket. There are no weapons that can keep him down. After the apocalypse he would just roam the earth with that sweet little boyish face of his.

Ashish Nehra went through a career apocalypse, but he is back. I wouldn’t bet on him struggling to survive a worldwide nuclear war. He’d still have that look on his face too, the one that makes you wonder if he has any joy in his life. He’d be in a group that lives in Euro Disney; his role would be of the angry one who doesn’t trust anyone, but he’d be rubbish at catching food.

Kumar Sangakkara would make it through. Then, after an appropriate period, he would take over the world. Artists would carve images of him, people would refer to him as King Kumar, and he would be a fair and just leader. His leadership does have problems, but his suaveness and massive intellect mean he would run the world for at least six years. Until he wants to relax and travel.

Ian Bell can never be killed. Regardless of an apocalypse he is going to be around forever. Still looking good and not making runs. In a dystopian wasteland he’d still manage to find his way into a well-stocked mansion, with others doing the work to make up for him. Even when the whole group dies of food poisoning, Bell survives. He is like a mythical creature that way.

Brendan Nash would not only survive an apocalypse, he’d prosper. Once the world had settled, Nash would move to a new location and just tell them he was always one of them. There would be hostility towards him at first, and mild curiosity, but eventually in this new and desperate land he would come in handy and people would even start to love having him around.

Paul Harris would survive. He might mutate a bit, but like a cockroach or a tax officer he cannot be eradicated. Harris will quickly improvise and become an expert scavenger and sell his goods at a reasonable price, considering the location he lives in.

The New Zealand cricket team would remain okay. They would be watching Eagle v Shark in Chris Martin’s basement when the flesh-eating disease spreads rapidly across the planet, killing everyone. Upon exiting the basement they would have some good times and some bad times, but basically they’d just survive. Even though 90% of the world’s population is dead, their crowd numbers in Test matches stay the same.

Rahul Dravid would never even notice the apocalypse. When the aliens came to kill everyone on the planet with their sonic weapons, he was batting. As we know, when Rahul is batting, nothing can stir him. Even two years after the apocalypse he is still out there, marking his guard, trying to get the sight screen to be moved and planning for what field the captain will set for the next ball.

Buy the book, get a t-shirt, or donate to the whisky fund.

For a few moments during the lead up to the bullring test the English team went about planning a stunning win at the Wanderers to cement their series win in epic style.

It involved radical tactics, a run rate of 5, two leg slips, Andrew Strauss bowling leg spin, and KP actually making runs.

Then they got serious and started talking about how to draw.

Their dream scenario was for Graham Onions to secure a 9 wicket draw, Onions now considers himself a batsman, perhaps because his bowling average is getting higher, and thought that a 9 wicket draw was a good idea.

You can’t even bet on a 9 wicket draw on most cricket online betting places.

So the plan is simple for England, work yourself into a position you can’t win from, and then save the game at the last minute.

Thus winning the hearts and trophy all in one go.

If this were the IPL England would probably try and draft Fidel Edwards in for just such an assignment.

Instead they will have to do the job with (or without if the rumours are true) their 9 wicket man Onions and the regulars.

Paul Collingwood was born during on May 26, 1976 when magically the English football (soccer) and cricket teams both drew at the exact time he was nudged out of his mother’s womb.

Andrew Strauss has the hair cut of a man who thinks a draw is as good as a win.

Alastair Cook is built for comfort and not for speed.

And Jimmy Anderson modelled his batting style on a coma patient he visited once.

It is an all star draw team.

Even Ian Bell now gets down and dirty covering his once naked oiled body with a male mudpack he saw advertised in Men’s Health.

So there is no chance England can go for a win, it would only ruin their best chance of claiming the series.

We’re having an important ethical debate here at CWB: Would you sponsor Jrod to punch Ian Bell?

Leave aside the minor details such as ‘How hard would the punch be?’ or ‘But doesn’t Jrod punch like a girl?’ and consider whether this would be a wrong thing to do.

Bell is small, ginger, supports Aston Villa and went to a very minor public school. On any level, he’s an endangered species. Is right to inflict more violence upon him than a legion of cricket journalists have managed since 2004?

Post your thoughts below. Meanwhile, I’m off to watch Jrod dropkick a panda.

Is you?

Is you so stupid that you thought IanBellMBE on twitter was actually Ian Bell?

Is it even possible there is someone that stupid on this planet?

Probably.

But still, if some mouth breathing inbred fucktard is too stupid to work out that this was a fake twitter account, let them believe it, because soon they will die eating the stuff that comes in show boxes.

There is no reason to release this:

Ofcourse it is fake, it has MBE in the title for fucksakes.

It says that he plays for England sometimes.

According to it Ian Bell is getting tips from Lagaan.

Seriously ECB, use your time more constructively.

Make better pitches.

Make sure Bell, Bopara and Ramps can handle the tough nature of test cricket.

Accredit me for important series.

Don’t waste your time on this piddly assed shit.