cricket with balls

If you have ever thought, jeez that Jrod is a bastard, I’d love to see him black & blue, bleeding from the eyeball or crying in pain, here is your chance.

I have stupidly agreed to face Iain O’Brien for charity. The charity I have chosen is the Zimbabwe Aids trust. Which could be funny if I start pissing blood afterwards or I get hit in the balls.

The date is yet to be announced yet as we are waiting for the practice pitches at Lord’s to be ready for such an important event. I do know that equipment wise I will be wearing a helmet, box, thighpad, gloves and pads. Nothing more.

This will be carnage. I am not a terrible batsman, but neither am I any good.

The whole event will be filmed by the Test Match Sofa team, who will also commentate and laugh.

So if you donate you will actually get the extra pleasure of seeing me get hurt on your dime, how could you resist?

It’d be nice if you donated, it is a great charity and I think I will have earned your money.

Written by The Skiver.

Kiwi cricketer Iain O’Brien has long been a friend of the Balls, and there are many good reasons why we like him.

There’s his contribution to the book., arguably the finest 300 words written by a former international cricketer in the whole tome.

There’s the fact that he’s one of the very few sportspeople to have grasped how social networking works. And the fact that he has an almost Gatting-esque appetite for curry. And the fact that he not only has one of the best blogs actually written by an athlete, but it promises to reveal what is inside his head and thereby proves the theory that, for quick bowlers, the answer can sometimes be ‘nothing for whole months at a time’.

It’s not even the romantic story of a man moving to England because he’s met an girl who lives here and wants to spend the rest of his life with her, even though we’re obviously suckers for that sort of thing around here.

No, it’s because he’s a genuinely nice guy and not a complete arse like some of the cricketers you meet – mentioning no names, of course.

And because we like him, we’re also a little bit worried about him. Because yesterday, he revealed that he was going house hunting. With Angus Fraser.

You wonder what the pair of them are up to. To put it bluntly, most married men are not brave enough to go house hunting without their wife in tow. Which can only mean a new business venture, or better, still, a tv series.

I can’t quite see them as the new Phil and Kirsty, but I’m convinced they’ve been lined up to replace these guys.

The Old Justin and Colin

You can just see it, can’t you. Fraser stamping his foot angrily if the carpet and wallpaper don’t match. O’Brien doing the grunt work he’s done throughout his cricket career, dragging himself up the stairs and into the draught. In fact, yes, I can see it happening right before my very eyes…

The New Justin and Colin

(Photoshop magic courtesy of the pocket genius that is Ceci)

I could have easily written a post saying how sad I was that IOB has given up test cricket, but I am too sad for words, so I have made an emotional photo essay instead.

IOB, thanks for the memories.

All photos were supplied by Iain O’Brien and can be seen here, you can also read his deep and meaningful thoughts here on his blog,  for quick sharp thoughts his twitter is here, and buy a book that he wrote in.

My book has no mention of the film Dirty Dancing.

Thanks for the memories IOB.

You know the name, but barely.  You’ve seen him on the telly, but never in real life.

Then he comes to your attention.

TheIOB

“Some Queensland fucktard just called me a fagot, is it the highlights in my hair? LOL. #testcricketershavefeelingstoo”

From that moment onwards you follow him, you want to know what he knows.

“Hey peeps, you should see my ass in these perfect jeans I bought. #testcricketerlookingsexyindenim”

Unfortunately the man tells him to tone it down.

NZC

“We don’t mind our players telling people about the day’s play, but we object to Iain’s descriptions of his ass #testcricketispure”

It doesn’t slow him down though; the man wants the world to know stuff.

TheIOB

“Got Ricky Ponting out today, he had a strop. Fuck him. #testcricketertemptingfate”

Sometimes he gives you a rare insight into what it is like to be a test cricketer.  You can’t believe how much info he gives.

TheIOB

“I got locked out of the house again. #testcricketerisasillybilly”

You follow him from afar at first, keeping your distance, but he draws you in by giving you the juicy insights you crave.

TheIOB

“Yesterday Mitchell Johnson tried to take my head off, it is a shame, because he is way hot #testcricketermancrush”

Iain tries to tone down the raw sexuality, but you can still sense it. Every time you see his highlights bouncing into the wicket your orifices all open in sexual arousal.

TheIOB

“Look at this photo of my feet. #testcricketfetish”

People call him a journeyman and a medium paced plodder, but you see so much more.

THEIOB

“Am in the groove at the moment, I’m the Jon Bon Jovi of into the wind bowling #testcricketismusic

His pace is up, he is getting wickets, and now people are talking about him.  You keep your lust to yourself though, you like that he is your dirty little secret, your chatty little fast medium bowling man.

TheIOB

“Am so lonely tonight, fucken Scotland, anyone want to chat? #testcricketereneedslove”

You try to ignore the tweet, but you are drawn to it. After an hour staring straight at it, you direct message Iain. It is the moment that your love affair starts. While it isn’t real sex, the passion, the force, the masculinity of the man sweeps you off your feet.

TheIOB

“Feeling better now, and I owe it all to my special fans #happiertestcricketer

Your cyber twitter sex is freaking awesome.  He likes it rough too.

TheIOB

“Pull on my piercing, it is right below my nipples, I like it to hurt, like Sehwag hurt me in Hamilton. #odishurttoo”.

Your favourite moments are when he takes it slow, real slow.

TheIOB

“That is it, baby. Like how I batted against Sri Lanka with Dan, me and dan, slowly, slowly #sexytestflashbacks.”

While you should be in love with other more famous cricketers, flashier guys who win awards and IPL contracts, but it is Iain’s brand of medium fast swinging balls that make you go wild.

Then, just as you are ready to commit fully, he pulls the plug.

TheIOB

“I am no longer test cricket’s greatest cricket blogger, spending more time with the wife #rememberyourfirsttestblogger

You try not to cry, but the pain is too much. Test match blogging just lost its hero. You lost the hardest working cyber lover you have ever had.

TheIOB

“The Panthers take on the Sharks today, wish me luck #countycricket”

To read IOB’s literary debut, go here.