cricket with balls

David Saker has been announced as bowling coach for England. Saker had to beat out Craig “real estate mogul” McDermott and the man with the most serious face in the business, Allan Donald.

I spent way too many afternoons watching Saker run in, beat the bat, yell, walk back muttering to himself, and then repeat.

He was so clearly insane, in the best possible fast bowling way.

I remember one game where he sledged a batsmen so loudly that I could hear it and I was out the back buying a pie.

Victorians loved him, everyone else hated him.

So what will he do when he takes over a bowling group full of male models and solid notherners.

Stuart Broad

For the first time in his career, Broad focuses on bowling tight nagging spells just outside off stump and never tries to bowl anything else. Everything is going fine until Billy Doctrove is asleep one day and misses a plumb LBW, next over Broad is fielding a ball at short fine leg but still manages to “accidently” to hit Doctrove in the throat with a throw to the keeper. Broad goes off the field to write up his apology.

James Anderson

Starts bareknuckle brawling and this leads to a dramatic improvement in his performance. Whereas before he would glare at a batsmen and the batsmen would think he was auditioning for Men’s Health, now they see the scars and glint in his eye and get scared.

Ryan Sidebottom & Tim Bresnan

Nothing much changes in they way they play, but experts notice that their sledging has a much more personal edge to it, Ryan refers to it as the 1 percent he needs for success. Unfortunately Sky mic Bresnan up for a T20 game and then have to apologise to all homosexuals, hermaphrodites and anyone who has ever loved the Little Mermaid. Sidebottom is dropped after bowling a bouncer fromtwo metres over the crease before running through to the batsmen and clothes lining the batsmen.

Liam Plunkett

Never plays again.

Graham Onions

Claims he is, and always has been, a rolling stones fan and hates that pissy pop music like Lily Allen. He also dyes his hair strawberry blond, puts on some weight, pinks his cheeks regularly and finally grows a goatee. He also lengthens his follow through by 10 feet.

Darren Pattinson

Hits Stuart Law in a pro40 game and is rushed into the test side where he becomes an into the wind specialist and goes on to take 300 wickets for England.

For a few moments during the lead up to the bullring test the English team went about planning a stunning win at the Wanderers to cement their series win in epic style.

It involved radical tactics, a run rate of 5, two leg slips, Andrew Strauss bowling leg spin, and KP actually making runs.

Then they got serious and started talking about how to draw.

Their dream scenario was for Graham Onions to secure a 9 wicket draw, Onions now considers himself a batsman, perhaps because his bowling average is getting higher, and thought that a 9 wicket draw was a good idea.

You can’t even bet on a 9 wicket draw on most cricket online betting places.

So the plan is simple for England, work yourself into a position you can’t win from, and then save the game at the last minute.

Thus winning the hearts and trophy all in one go.

If this were the IPL England would probably try and draft Fidel Edwards in for just such an assignment.

Instead they will have to do the job with (or without if the rumours are true) their 9 wicket man Onions and the regulars.

Paul Collingwood was born during on May 26, 1976 when magically the English football (soccer) and cricket teams both drew at the exact time he was nudged out of his mother’s womb.

Andrew Strauss has the hair cut of a man who thinks a draw is as good as a win.

Alastair Cook is built for comfort and not for speed.

And Jimmy Anderson modelled his batting style on a coma patient he visited once.

It is an all star draw team.

Even Ian Bell now gets down and dirty covering his once naked oiled body with a male mudpack he saw advertised in Men’s Health.

So there is no chance England can go for a win, it would only ruin their best chance of claiming the series.

According to Lawrence Booth’s twitter feed (yes it is a little wrong he is on twitter) Graham Onions said this is reference to Lily Allen saying she wouldn’t mind a test of Onions.

“She’s obviously not seen me in real life. She’s a great singer. It would be a pleasure to meet her. I’ve got a girlfriend.”

Firstly, and I say this as someone who doesn’t mind Lily Allen, she isn’t a great singer. She isn’t Jill Scott or Antony from Antony and the Johnsons.

More importantly look at the way Onions put this, “It would be great to meet her. I’ve got a girlfriend.”

Quite obviously Onions is thinking of himself, Allen and girlfriend in raunchy threesome.

Not a dull threesome.

Ofcourse he is thinking of that, Lily thinks he is hot, his girlfriend thinks he is hot, what not combine the two women who have this mutual interest.

If he is not thinking that then he doesn’t deserve his girlfriend or Lily Allen.

Talking about Lily Allen if she were a cricketer she would be a keeper, yapping in your ear and generally annoying the fuck out of you.

“Both Bell and Sidebottom have been in form in the early part of the season and have been a part of the England set-up in recent years. Ryan Sidebottom has recovered from surgery and reports that he is now bowling pain-free and like he did against New Zealand. The inclusion of Bell and Sidebottom in the team gives the selectors, the coach and the captain a sense of normalcy going into this game. Ravi and Graham are unlucky but it was always highly unlikely we would continue to experiment with unknown players when we had two proven performers back in form. Bell also bowled a few overs for Warwickshire last week, and that was enough to show us he is now an allrounder.”

Geoff Miller

For Onions.

Not so much at his performance, but at his name.

While Onions bowled well, 7 wickets on debut isn’t shabby, the English seemed much more interested in his name.

The Guardian wrote a special piece about it.

These are the ones they found.

Sizzling Onions

Raw Onions flavour of the day as West Indies collapse in tears

Onions off to a sizzler

Onions is so tasty

Onions fries them up.

Five-star Onions gives West Indies roasting.

Green Onions leaves Windies in a pickle

Onions gives West Indies five reasons to be tearful

String of Onions – Graham debut salvo leaves West Indies weeping,

5 in the Onion bag

Onions bags a five-for

Onions relish.

Cheers and Onions

Wicket spree ensures West Indies know their Onions.

Onions slices open Gayle’s apathetic troops and puts victory in sight.

We can only hope they have punched themselves out.

As for Onions, I was impressed, he bowls good line and length at decent pace.

More a stock bowler than a destroyer, but is a wicket taker, so England should be happy.

However, he should be dropped, not because he is a threat to Australia, or because he seems to be a bit boring, but because Onion puns are completely shithouse.