cricket with balls

At the end of 08 South Africa beat Australia at home to claim the metaphorical, yet still very heavy, title of the world’s best test team.

The players were so happy some of them smiled as they frolicked in the water of Sydney.

Since that win in Melbourne, they have won two tests, lost four, and drawn two.

That is shit in any language.

Так что одержать победу в Мельбурне, они не получили два испытания, потеряли четырех, и извлечь два.

For a long time South Africa have be known as chokers, but this time they got to the top, however briefly, but they are now spiralling in some 05 Ashes Freddie kind of hangover.

If they played India in India tomorrow, they couldn’t beat India with a stick, even if India was a limbless child hung from a tree piñata style and South Africa was a non-blindfolded sober adult with fully functioning motor skills.

13 months ago this was the best test team on the planet, now their coach is leaving due to irreconcilable shitness.

During the past 13 months Graeme Smith’s captaincy and bear like demeanour have been lauded all over the planet for getting the side to the top of the tree, but if your team falls straight out of the tree it doesn’t mean much.

Two home series losses is not the resume of a top test team, even England don’t do that. Obviously something is wrong inside the camp, and Arthur leaving them on the edge of a “SUPER TEST CROWN HEAVYWEIGHT DECIDER” says that pretty clearly.

In modern times, thanks to pioneers like Vettori and KP, the coach gets axed when there is any rumbling, and had Arthur not jumped, I’d say the dude was going to be thrown out the door like the poor unheard of bowling coach.

On reflection, all of Arthur’s talk leading up to the last test was like some salty old criminal looking for that final score he could retire on.

I might bag Saffas but I truly mean this, South Africa are a proud race, and unlike other countries, they don’t accept draws, even come from behind draws. So Arthur, with or without his score, was going.

Obviously the harmony between Smith and Arthur was strained, as it usually is when you are losing. We don’t know what went on the change rooms, but I doubt it was anything as fun as Graeme Smith drilling Arthur’s asshole and then giving him a reach around.

Now that South Africa have seemingly imploded, I feel at a loss, I sort of hoped they would run cricket with an iron kitten killing boot for a few years so I would have plenty of material.

That seems highly unlikely now, as it stands their only chance of beating India would be Sachin coming out as a cross dresser on the eve of the first test, and even then they’d still need a green deck.

I almost feel sorry for them.

Almost.

Being conscientious types, we at CWB feed don’t spend our rain breaks sat on the sofa doing nothing. Oh no. We use the time to get to the heart of the day’s issues. Which is why we worked our collective nuts off to secure an interview with Daryl Harper:

CWB:  So, Daryl, tell us about that Smith decision

Harper: Hello?

CWB: How does it feel to have committed one of the biggest cock-ups in umpiring history?

Harper: Is there anyone there?

CWB: Can you hear us?

Harper: Oi, lackey, I thought you said those cunts from Cricket With Balls were on the line?

CWB: We are! Can you hear us.

Harper: Well, I’m not sitting here with this stupid headset on all day, I’ve got cake to eat.

CWB: Daryl, you thick git, turn the volume up!

Harper: Nope, still can’t hear anyone.

CWB: Turn. The. Volume. Up.

Harper: No-one there. Right…

CWB: TURN THE VOLUME UP!

Harper:…I’m off to see how many sandwiches you can stuff into Steve Davis before he explodes.

CWB: Oh, for fucks sake…

EDIT: Original post was based on the BBC article and also a few others from India about Smith Having a leg injury, he doesn’t, he has an arm/elbow or upper limb injury. The BBC is still running this as a leg injury, but as Brandon from the cricket corollary pointed out, in the SA the phsyio is quoted as saying it is his arm that is injured. Arm/Leg, same same.

So the post below, brilliant as it obviously is, is not correct. But I still like the phrase “This decision is based on Graeme’s current upper limb dysfunction.”

The other night Graeme Smith said he had cramp, and that he wanted a runner.

Strauss and the umpires weren’t comfortable with giving a runner for cramp and denied the request.

I was happy, Smith was pissed off, the world keeps turning.

Then I read this:

“South Africa captain Graeme Smith has pulled out of next month’s Champions League Twenty20 tournament in order to ensure he is fit to face England. Smith, who plays for the Cape Cobras, has been struggling with a leg injury, despite scoring 141 in a losing cause against England on Sunday. “

If he had a leg injury coming into that match, then he would not have been able to call for a runner.

From the laws of cricket:

“1. Substitutes and runners
(a) If the umpires are satisfied that a player has been injured or become ill after the nomination of the players, they shall allow that player to have
(i) a substitute acting instead of him in the field.
(ii) a runner when batting.
Any injury or illness that occurs at any time after the nomination of the players until the conclusion of the match shall be allowable, irrespective of whether play is in progress or not.”

If the leg injury was so bad he is not being sent to India for the Champion’s League, and he didn’t actually injure himself in this match, then this is gloriously dodgy.

I do not doubt he had cramp (not a fat joke, he looks slim to me), but he also had a pre-existing leg injury, which should have meant that he couldn’t ask for a runner under the rules of cricket.

The cunning prick probably thought he was getting around his injury by using the cramp, and then Strauss ruined that.

The SA team physiotherapist said he should be out of cricket for 4-6 weeks.

Being that it appears he didn’t pick the injury up against England, and it was serious enough to keep him out of action for a month the question has to be asked, was Graeme Smith cheating when he called for a runner?

I’ve grown to not despise Graeme Smith of recent times.

He is still not my favourite cricketer, but I do love his ability to play hurt.

That doesn’t mean he isn’t a cheat.

Not that cheating means I will turn against him, I sort of respect him more.

It should also be said I respect who ever uttered this:

“This decision is based on Graeme’s current upper limb dysfunction.”

The other night I had a go at Strauss for calling back Mathews after he had run into Graham Onions.

The umpires had told Mathews he was out, but then Strauss gestured to the umpires for him to be brought back on the ground.

I thought it was disgusting behavior.

Last night Strauss redeemed himself.

He didn’t allow Graeme Smith a runner.

Technically, and by technically I mean in the laws of cricket, the fielding team has no say in it. Just like he didn’t technically call back Mathews, he withdrew his appeal. How he did that from 5 metres away with a hand gesture that mimed waiving him back onto the pitch.

It is the umpire’s call on a runner, the umpires clearly didn’t think a runner was the right option, but went to Strauss to see if he cared, he did.

But not for the reasons I thought, “fuck him it is only cramp”, he had an almost theological reason, he doesn’t believe in runners.

Had Smith had a broken leg Strauss probably would have let him have a runner, but for cramp he put his foot down.

I personally don’t think having cramp is a good enough reason for a runner, but now I am drawn by Strauss’ theory to abolish runners altogether.

There are few greater sites than when a batsman gets injured and starts swinging away, it has a gladiatorial feel to it, but then the impish waddle to backward square leg often ruins it for me. If he has to run and deal with the pain on every level that is truly a supreme effort of bravery and heroics. Also, watching Smith trying to run after big heaves really made me feel warm.

But then what about the comical run outs. Sure the hobbling might get a few runs out, but runner’s run outs are great. No one knows where anyone is, the fielders throw to the wrong end, there are 3 batsmen all behind one crease and even the umpires take a few seconds to look around and work everything out.

Do we want that taken from the game?

I don’t know.

I will never agree with cramps getting a runner, and this is from someone who gets massive cramps and has when he was in peak fitness, and now in unpeak fitness.

But to abolish the runner altogether, is that the way to go…

Jeremy Snape has the worst job in the world.

Imagine having to fix the heads of the South Africans after they fucked up yet another time on the international stage (even on the less important games).

I would write out the list of all the times South Africa have stuffed up when being the favourite or one of the favourites for a major tournament, but I don’t have the time.

Even when they had the chance to beat Australia for the world number 1 test spot in Sydney they fucked up, and then they went home and lost that series as well.

What is wrong with them?

No, really, what is wrong.

Because choking is one thing, but they never even did that in this tournament, they were just outplayed by England, and smashed by Sri Lanka.

They didn’t get close enough to choke.

Smith put them on his new stream line shoulders and tried to carry them, but have you ever tried to carry 10 men, it is fucking hard.

He couldn’t do it, and again South Africa are out before the tournament final.

Snape’s job is untenable.

They don’t need therapists, psychologists, counsellors or anyone sitting on a couch.

They need a room alone, a shotgun, and “The Mercy Seat” by Johnny Cash on constant repeat.

Only in blowing their heads off can a South African cricketer completely get their headspace right.

It will be less messy than actually talking to them.

I promise.

Certain players should be excluded, right now I can only think of Graeme Smith.

But there must be others.

Everyone else should be a mess on the floor/wall.