cricket with balls

As the hours tick down towards the start of their oh-so-tricky first Test against Bangladesh, England’s selectors are apparently enduring sleepless hours wondering who to leave out from the side.

So far, the only people certain not to be in the starting XI are Luke Wright and Stephen Davies. Even Liam Plunkett might get a call, on the grounds that (a) Stuart Broad might not be fit and (b) he’s the next most-capped bowler in the side – which would mean adopting the age-old English policy of going for experience despite the player having been resolutely crap for the entire tour.

Which means that they have to play Broad, because otherwise they have to play someone slightly less threatening than Angelina Ballerina. Except they can’t play him as a part of a two man pace attack, in case his back goes again.

In which case they have to play Finn, despite his being likely to blow away at the first gust of wind, because they have to play Bresnan, if only to ensure that there is some food left come the intervals.

But if they play three seamers, they have to leave out either a spinner or a batsman. Which means either leaving out Swann (unthinkable), the leading wicket taker on this leg of the tour (Tredwell), the guy who scored a ton in the last game (Trott), the only specialist opener in the side other than the captain (Carberry) or Ian Bell, who hasn’t really done anything to justify being dropped. For once.

And before anyone starts, you’ve more chance of catching Andy Flower climbing out of the back entrance of Robert Mugabe than you have of him dropping KP.

Never fear, though. Because the Balls has the answer. There isn’t one England player who isn’t taller than any given member of the Bangladesh starting XI – even Bell. And when you get to a certain height, your features must just be fading into the distance, like mountain tops. Which means that England should just take advantage of their opponents being a bit on the short side and just play Broad. And then, if he starts falling apart again, slip Finn onto the field in his place. A bit of hair dye and no-one will ever know.

And then the selectors can get a decent night’s sleep and stop coming up with stupid ideas such as Trott opening, or dropping Tredwell on a track prepared for their opponents’ 1283 spinners.

I have said two matches is not a series, and today it is all I can think of.

This could have been one of the best series in the history of world cricket; instead we are stuck with two games.

Look at what we got:

Batsmen playing so well you feel they don’t even need to be looking at the ball to hit it.

Both team collapsing at times.

Fast bowlers bullying the opposition at times, then getting smashed.

Spinners controlling the scoreboard.

One team takes the first game, only for the second to grab the second in tight finish.

Two teams who are evenly matched fighting for the prestige.

Poorly choreographed cheerleaders who didn’t seem to want to be there at all.

Oh, this was a series.

It is just a shame that Pakistan and England only chose to play 2 games of 2020 cricket, think of how great this would be as a 15 match series (to the death).

2020 cricket, there is just never enough.

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Buy the book, get a t-shirt, or donate to the whisky fund.

The ICC has its test rankings involving numbers and nerds.  Not Interested.  So I came up with my own.  They mean nothing, but neither do the ICCs and mine took less time.  They also aren’t numbered for a reason, because that would be stupid.   You can date the bottom girl on this list (actually make that second bottom) and have a great time, and perhaps have a shit time with the second lady.

Natalie Portman –

There is no outstanding test side at the moment, so no one gets the Portman from me.

Kate Winslet – India

Capable of great things, clever, classy and hot.  But how many really cool films has Winslet been in?  Has the potential to be the perfect partner, but would it kill her to be a curvy sexy ninja in a Rodriguez flick?  Best of the bunch at the moment, but still has improvement in her.

Suicide girls – South Africa

They are hot, edgy and look great in photo shoots. When you are seeing a midnight showing of Donnie Darko they are the ideal partner, but leave them up to their own good and, well, they aren’t called the suicide girls for nothing.  Do you want to spend your time hiding the razors?

Cute girl on the train – Australia

It seems like a great idea, but what do you know about the cute girl on the train.  Sure, she likes Palahniuk, is wearing a cwb t-shirt and seems to be listening to Coltrane, but she could be nuts.  Cuteness and good taste in popular culture are important, but for every hip thing about her, there will be something you don’t know about, like how she breeds rats to kill them while you have sex with her.  She could turn out great, but she could be bi-polar.

Ellen Page – Sri Lanka

Has raw natural cuteness and talent.  Yet is still a little odd looking.  Not in a bad way, but from certain angles you question yourself.  Your main concern is her never-ending journey to be the coolest person in the room, we get it Ellen, just stop being a wanker for 5 minutes and be in an adult movie.

Plain girl in the office – England

Easy to overlook, but could be the one.  Obviously not as attractive as movie stars or with the hipster taste of the cute girl on the train, but suits you better than most.  Can you really afford to shun her just because she wears cardigans?  Although it must be said, she is not a good cook.

Brody Dalle – West Indies

Rock and roll.  Big highs, but scary lows.  There is something that draws you in, you’re not sure what, and it could be illegal, but she is supercool and has access to free drugs and booze.  Might only keep you around for a short time, but it could be fun.  Until the come down.

A chick on roller skates with bright pink hair in pigtails – Pakistan

She looks awesome, but she wears roller skates. That isn’t safe, what if she is rolling up to you and she falls headfirst onto your lap.  That wouldn’t be good.  The wow factor wouldn’t be any good when you have been hit in the nuts, and if you are hurt bad and you need medical supplies, the girl with the roller skates cannot be trusted.  Practically roller skates are always going to end in tears.

Joan Cusack – New Zealand

Not conventionally attractive that is true, but funny, and who would try harder.  The laughs will get you through. Sure she has a relative way more better looking and richer, but he is a dude.  Could be a keeper, because if you stay with Joan you’d have funny intelligent chirpy moderately successful children, although watch out for twins.

Your mate’s teen sister – Bangladesh

Dude, she isn’t even legal.  Look away.  But check back in three or four years, just in case.

Alastair Cook has been named as England’s Test captain for their tour of Bangladesh in February and March, after the selectors opted to stop thinking.

National Selector Geoff Miller said: “Andrew Strauss has provided outstanding leadership for the team in both forms of the game over the past 12 months and the selectors feel it is important that the team knows what it is like to have rubbish leadership and we are extremely confident that Alastair Cook can provide this.

Strauss is the only frontline Test batsman to miss the trip. “We still want to win, we just don’t think we need good leadership to do that,” said Miller.

“Our decision to appoint Alastair Cook to the Test vice-captaincy last year was completely random, clearly we had no idea then, and now we have demonstrated consistency with our decisions. We have no idea what we will do next.  We’re crazy.”

“Cook’s played over 50 Tests now,” added Miller, “surely that, plus the fact he went to public school, can talk good, is a batsman, and is not from the north is more than enough reason to make him captain. Although we want to make it clear, we had no such reason when we made the decision, but we thought we better backward engineer one.  Darren Pattinson was also considered.”

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When Australia were losing the Ashes there was a lot of talk of the statistical mugging Australia was giving England while still managing to quite beautifully lose the series.

This series has a similar story.

England had one batsman average over 45.

Even Bell and Cook who apparently came of age could only muster 44 and 41 between them.

Trott might be from South Africa, but there is no statistical proof that he even went, his average of 27 is even bad for an English number 3.

Then the two highest paid batsmen combined to average 49.

As world’s greatest hack Nigel Henderson pointed out to me, why are people talking about Daryl Harper.

Because it is funny and he is shit.

But once they stop chuckling at Daryl looking at the carnage of this series will not be pretty.

The bowling is not that much better, their bowling unit got more wickets than in the Ashes, but their averages do not inspire moans of pleasure.

Swann was the top wicket taker with 21, but his average was 31, Morkel took 19 wickets at 21.

Anderson took 16 wickets, which is respectable, at 34, Steyn took 15 at 23.

Had it not been for their new Jesus (I move on just that quick), the man who saved them twice and then was crucified, England could have gone down 3-1.

However, when you swim out of that faecic quagmire look at the actual scoreline. Not bad.  The Ashes scoreline worked for England as well. Had England been offered these two results going in they would have taken them.

Somehow England have invented a style of play that means that very few players have to do anything, the rest turn up for the food, and yet they still remain competitive.

That is something I really can admire.

Dis-organised shitness with positive results, sort of like this website.