cricket with balls

Douglas Jardine is often seen as an evil figure that disgraced England, injured Australia and defecated on the game of cricket.

This is all true.

But he did so much more than that.

Over the years he was responsible for the deaths of JFK, Marilyn Monroe, Jeff Buckley, and the real Britney Spears.

Also he was involved in world disasters, he stopped George Bush helping people in New Orleans.  He planned the 911 attacks. His aura inspired the Nazis. And everytime a child dies he is to blame.

That is all him, and I know what you are thinking, this fucker is a murderous vengeful cuntox.

Douglas Jardine isn’t just a human; he is a spirit, one that we have in all of us.

Some people live their whole lives without unleashing their inner Jardine.

This is wrong.

You must use your Jardine, if not for blood soaked killing sprees, then for little things, like hiding peoples keys, dobbing your grandma in for narcotics possession, pretending you have been in a car crash and telling your parents that you like to fuck dogs.

Jardine would approve of every one of these, as long as you are smoothly attired.

Douglas Jardine hated Australians more than anyone, even more than Germaine Greer does.

Years after he retired he would have kangaroos shipped to his house and then torture them.

His favourite method of torture was dipping the Male Kangaroo’s testicles into a vat of acid and then laughing into his Brandy as they helplessly flailed around.

Douglas never stopped his torture of Kangaroos, even after he fell in love with a female Kangaroo (named Jill), whom he eventually married.