cricket with balls

I should say he wasn’t actually in the toilet at Lord’s, but he was in there via this picture.

Forget for a moment that Dirk looks like he would rather be anywhere else than the photo shoot.

And even forget that Lebara have found the cheapest no name shirts they could for the ad, and think about what this could have been.

It is placed above the piss troughs at the grounds, it should be Dirk with a shit eating grin on his face, pointing his camera down like he is taking a picture of your cock, while Vaas and Saqlain kick the shit out of someone in a chicken suit in the back ground.

Some people just don’t have the flare for advertising that we do.

I figured that the cricinfo audience needed some education on the mythological beast that is Dirty Dirk Nannes.

The problem with being an underground cult figure is that myth and truth can develop until the average cricket fan gets everything confused. I’ve been following Dirk since before the Dutch team came calling for him. I’ve been there when he has bowled in front of a handful of people at the MCG and at Lord’s. I saw his wet Australian Twenty20 debut. So it is up to me to sort out the truth from the fiction.

Myth: He once strangled a bear with his own hands. (It was a lion. But he didn’t kill it, not because he couldn’t, but because killing a lion to prove how strong you are is not cool.)

Truth: He plays the saxophone. John Coltrane once came back from the dead and clapped at Dirk’s rendition of “Alabama”. Normal people would have been freaked out by this, but Dirk is not afraid of ghosts.

Myth: Virender Sehwag cried the first time he saw Dirk bowl in the nets. (Virender Sehwag is too tough to cry, even in happiness.)

Truth: Dirk’s family is Dutch and his father was the inspiration for the Austin Powers character Goldmember.

Myth: His parents are not his real parents; they were actually explorers who were hiking up the Ural Mountains in Russia when they found a cave to have some lunch in. While looking for a nice rock to put their basket on, they found Dirk trapped in ice. (As if Dirk could come from something that sounds like a Pauly Shore film.)

Truth: Dirk is a gifted mogul skier. Although I have never seen him ski and know nothing about mogul skiing, I would say that Dirk is probably the best skier ever, and if he had been in Vancouver he would probably have won like six gold medals. Maybe seven.

Myth: Dirk can speak Japanese. (He doesn’t need to speak Japanese. When he is in Japan he converses with people by playing the saxophone; he is such an emotive player, the Japanese understand him straight away.)

Truth: Even before he became a famous cricketer, lovers of hirsute males would come by his house, as, in 2003, his beard was ranked seventh-best in Melbourne.

Myth: Clint Eastwood travelled forward in time to meet Dirk so he could base the man with no name on him. (Of course that didn’t happen, it is impractical.)

Truth: The Netherlands team briefly thought about not playing in orange as they thought it might emasculate Dirk, but once he was in uniform, they realised it made him even more scary.

Myth: Dirk is a handy batsman who can be relied upon for a plucky 40.

Truth: The ICC rigged the last World Twenty20 so that Dirk could bowl the first ball. They knew that the tournament was stupid and only Dirk could save it.

Myth: The reason that Dirk is such a bad fielder is because no one has ever had the guts to tell him.

Truth: Dirk also plays the harpsichord.

Myth: Dirk quit first-class cricket because he doesn’t like to see a batsman he has just hit stain his whites with blood.

Truth: Dirk is the new CB Fry.

First class cricket is pretty cool.

It is way better than manga or trip hop.

But it isn’t for everyone.

Dirk Nannes has stated to this very website that his favourite form of cricket is 2020.

To most people that is sacrilegious.

Dirk is not most people.

As far as cricketers go he is the Kakihara of the modern game, cool, unusual and must watch.

He does things differently, is different and goes about life in his own way.

So when he says he is quitting first class cricket on the eve of a second straight shield final, you shouldn’t be surprised.

Dirk’s record in first class cricket is pretty good, an average of 25. So it isn’t like he is shit at it.

However, this year he has played one game of first class cricket.

In his short time he has never played a full season.

I’m not even sure he could make it through more than 3 full games in a row anymore.

And why would he put his body through this?

There is more chance of you walking in on Sarah Palin naked then Dirk playing test cricket, so why would he put himself through it?

As a Victorian fan I am disappointed, but if it means he will continue to play cricket at the top level for Australia, Delhi, Notts and Victoria I can’t really complain too much.

He will still remain the 2020 bone crusher, and that is what he does best.