cricket with balls

New Zealand set Australia 106 to chase, but even though it was only marginally more than 5 runs an over Australia could not get over the line. Australia’s record in 20 over chases outside Australia continues to be quite shit.

Phil Hughes, who sees all innings as auditions for the IPL incase he gets bad press again, was at his attacking best. In two overs he inspired 23 runs off New Zealand’s most trusted bowlers. This included a smack over mid on for six from Vettori and his normal ugly effectiveness against the quicks. Hughes bludgeoned 86 off 75 balls.

At the other end, Katich protested the whole 20 over concept, his strike rate of 27 was a personal statement on what form of cricket he likes best. Katich was in his complete krab like mode and refused to even pretend to score runs. In the past this would have lead to a fantastic collapse from Australia, but Hughes youthful excitement made the 20 over chase a possibility at times.

While Australia did miss out on winning in 20 overs, they won the moral victory by winning the test. Doug Bollinger kissed his underwear after the match and Ryan Harris’ chest swelled so much that no one could fit in the change room.

New Zealand’s two cricketers, Prince Brendon and Dictator Dan, must be a little disappointed that their side made 564 in total, being that they made 42% of them (I think that is right) between the two of them. Vettori is thinking of changing the batting order for the next match with Tuffey to go in at 3 and for Ingram to bowl medium pace when the other bowlers are tired.

Only the carrot of the IPL can keep the smiles on the faces of the New Zealand middle order marvels.

This game might seem like just another test, but it could be the last time Australia ever enforces the follow on. Even though they won by 10 wickets with their dicks in the air, it must have made them nervous once the chase went over 100. Their nerves must be shot.

It should also be mentioned that Phil Hughes now averages 51.25 in test cricket. It doesn’t mean much, but it makes me smile a little.

You know how it is with some people. Just when you think you have them, that they’ve given you a nice easy article to write about how, say, any talk of them not being able to play left arm spin is just bollocks, and what do they go and do? They go and get themselves bowled by a sodding left arm spinner, and on 99 to boot.

And then you think “Well, that’s not too bad, I can write about him butchering another hundred by slogging” and have to remind yourself that he was bowled having a tame little prod at the ball.

Heck, the guy even teased us by hammering his way from 80 to 94 in the space of five balls from Shakib Al Hasan, leading everyone to think that a skied slog to mid-off was only moments away. Instead of which he went into his shell and played with uncharacteristic caution, nurdled another five runs and then got himself out.

But that’s the thing about KP. He disappoints you in so many new and original ways. Like back at the start of his career, when every time you thought he was going to beat his Test best, he would run himself out. Or having a massive hissy fit and quitting as captain, just as he was starting to make a decent fist of it. And you don’t even have to build him up in order for him to disappoint. He’s quite capable of doing that all by himself.

And then he goes and ruins my bloody articule, too. I was all set to point out that only 12 of his Test dismissals have been to left armers and that, whilst some of those have been to purveyors of utter filth, such as Paul Harris, Ryan Hinds and Yuvraj Singh, a third of them were to Daniel Vettori at a time when he pretty much was the New Zealand bowling attack. But now he’s gone and got himself bowled by a man who, at the time, had a bowling average of 87.43.

Bastard. Evil, evil bastard.

Is Scott Styris the angriest man ever to play international cricket?

Well, maybe not ‘angriest’, but ‘angriest-looking’, because either I always choose to look at him at the wrong moment, or he permanently has a face like a pissed-off garden gnome.

Batting, bowling or fielding, you get the feeling that he plays the game with a scowl on his face and thunder in his heart.

Even as he was steering the Black Caps to victory yesterday, there was a black cloud hanging over his head, demonstrating his fury at only getting to play because Vettori was hurt, anger at the teammates whose profligate batting had threatened to take the game away from New Zealand, and of course pure rage at Mitchell Johnson for barging him – a barge which cost Johnson 60% of his match fee* and Styris 15% of his for retaliation.

Just look at the photos of him walking off after the game. Have you ever seen such a thunderous look on the face of someone acknowledging the crowd?

The man is clearly a seething cauldron of malcontent, even when life is going well for him. I’d hate to see him properly upset.

*You just know that Mitchell is going to get a telling off from mummy for this. He’ll be straight onto the naughty step when he gets home and no mistake

My book has no mention of the film Dirty Dancing.

As far as dictators go, Daniel Vettori is fairly relaxed.

Some dictators get into power and the next day make themselves the coach of the football team, put their picture up in every school and green light biopics about their rise to power.

Dan didn’t do that.

Once he took over as captain he didn’t even become selector straight away.

He even put up with a new coach for a while.

And it has taken him a good couple of years to move into the top six.

That is restraint.

Now that he is a bowler, batsman, captain, coach and selector he has no where else to go.

Once dictators reach this point in their live, things start to get a bit shit.

Underlings get shot, enemies go missing, and people start to live in fear.

Obviously the smart ones get out.

But what about the ones that aren’t that lucky.

Those who have to play on as this tyrannical figure gets pissed off that he can grab no more power.

Soon he will be whipping players who drop catches, burning players to get in run outs and castrating any player who disagrees with him.

I hear from the next test on all blackcaps have to get a tattoo of Vettori’s name on their heart.

Dan has already banned my book due to the IOB’s involvement.