cricket with balls

Is Scott Styris the angriest man ever to play international cricket?

Well, maybe not ‘angriest’, but ‘angriest-looking’, because either I always choose to look at him at the wrong moment, or he permanently has a face like a pissed-off garden gnome.

Batting, bowling or fielding, you get the feeling that he plays the game with a scowl on his face and thunder in his heart.

Even as he was steering the Black Caps to victory yesterday, there was a black cloud hanging over his head, demonstrating his fury at only getting to play because Vettori was hurt, anger at the teammates whose profligate batting had threatened to take the game away from New Zealand, and of course pure rage at Mitchell Johnson for barging him – a barge which cost Johnson 60% of his match fee* and Styris 15% of his for retaliation.

Just look at the photos of him walking off after the game. Have you ever seen such a thunderous look on the face of someone acknowledging the crowd?

The man is clearly a seething cauldron of malcontent, even when life is going well for him. I’d hate to see him properly upset.

*You just know that Mitchell is going to get a telling off from mummy for this. He’ll be straight onto the naughty step when he gets home and no mistake

My book has no mention of the film Dirty Dancing.

As far as dictators go, Daniel Vettori is fairly relaxed.

Some dictators get into power and the next day make themselves the coach of the football team, put their picture up in every school and green light biopics about their rise to power.

Dan didn’t do that.

Once he took over as captain he didn’t even become selector straight away.

He even put up with a new coach for a while.

And it has taken him a good couple of years to move into the top six.

That is restraint.

Now that he is a bowler, batsman, captain, coach and selector he has no where else to go.

Once dictators reach this point in their live, things start to get a bit shit.

Underlings get shot, enemies go missing, and people start to live in fear.

Obviously the smart ones get out.

But what about the ones that aren’t that lucky.

Those who have to play on as this tyrannical figure gets pissed off that he can grab no more power.

Soon he will be whipping players who drop catches, burning players to get in run outs and castrating any player who disagrees with him.

I hear from the next test on all blackcaps have to get a tattoo of Vettori’s name on their heart.

Dan has already banned my book due to the IOB’s involvement.

It takes a mentally strong team to win a game of cricket before they get out on the field, and Daniel Vettori’s band of men may be tough enough.

New Zealand have already come up with a strategy so out of the box, daring, and genius blue-sky thinking that other captains must be jamming their keys into their thighs.

It boils down to two facets.

Plan A, New Zealand lose:

“In the unfortunate circumstance that we lose their test against Pakistan, the captain, coach or selector (all Dan) will claim that Pakistan only won because they tampered with the ball.  Even if it doesn’t reverse swing.  Any collapses or bad batting should be blamed on ball tampering (chucking if the spinners do us in). This will give us the moral victory, and will save us face.  Perhaps get some right wing  guys fired up about Muslims being untrustworthy to really sell it”.

Plan B, New Zealand win:

“If we somehow manage to win against Pakistan people will just assume it was match fixing. So let us spin that, and straight after the victory we will claim they were match fixing, but that they were only doing it because they knew they couldn’t beat us and decided to cash in. Win, win. Perhaps get some right wing  guys fired up about Muslims being untrustworthy to really sell it”.

While Vettori came up with these plans, they have gone over very well with the marketing people, especially those who are tired of claiming the Plunket shield was simply restored to its original name, and not because they couldn’t find anyone to sponsor it.

New Zealand cricket needs a shot in the arm, and perhaps Dan and his guaranteed wins might be just what the need.

Pakistan doesn’t stand a chance.

In an extraordinary decision, Daniel Vettori has chosen to resign for Andy Moles saving New Zealand Cricket the embarrassment of having to ask for Andy Moles resignation.

A few days ago it was revealed that New Zealand Cricket was having a mediation session with Andy Moles. It was Vettori who was leading the session, but not even he could mend the irreconcilable rift.

Vettori then informed NZC that Moles would be resigning. He then read out a statement that he wrote and typed up:

“After careful consideration I have decided that Andy Moles has decided to resign his role as New Zealand coach, effective immediately. There were obviously some problems between him and some senior players, but he leaves on the best of terms. As captain and selector I would like to thank him for the service he provided to New Zealand cricket. New Zealand has already made their new choice of coach, I was on the committee, and we have decided to appoint myself as coach. I know you might think that I already have a lot on my plate, but this is only one other job. I can handle it. Being that I have experience as a player, captain and selector I believe this gives me some special insights into the job. I would also like to point out that I will not let this interfere with our performance against Pakistan. Please help yourself to the sandwiches I prepared, our cook was out ill, so I decided to just help out where I could.“

While Vettori’s press release about Andy Moles resignation stopped there, it was also common knowledge that Vettori had started driving around the team in South Africa after some players weren’t happy with the routes their driver was taken.

Some in the media have even talked about a rumour that Daniel Vettori has taken up flying lessons just in case they have any problems with future pilots.

Vettori has also been seen auditioning as a replacement singer after Boyzone tragically lost one of their members to natural causes.