cricket with balls

A couple of years back a dude broke into my house.

Unfortunately I was home at the time.

The dude saw me, ran off and stole a virtually worthless laptop.

He has never come back.

Having intruders in your home sucks a fair chunk of ass.

India recently invited an intruder to their house in a macho manoeuvre to show their superiority, then 11 big bastards turned up and mugged their team.

In the last 10 years India have beaten South Africa at home once, lost once, drawn once, and now can only win or draw.

That must hurt.

India has seen South Africa choke in big tournaments, struggle against England and only win one series against Australia (a team India has done pretty well against).

India have only ever won two series against South Africa, there first was back when I had only had sex once, and was wearing out copy of Basic Instinct on VHS.

The other was over 5 years ago.

It should be mentioned that India are pretty good at home.

So when an intruder (invited or otherwise) comes in to where you are good, and makes you less than good, that is really less than good. Exactly.

India has already given this series up, but a draw is needed to keep some sort of faith.

The way modern test series have gone of late, well at least those with England in them, a win after a loss by over an innings is possible.

India have even tried to pick a test team for this match, although I am pissed off they have abandoned the New Zealand tactic of employing two keepers in a game.

India losing the first test sort of ended this as a legitimate title fight (South Africa ruined their part in it by not beating England at home); the only result that could possibly explain the world of cricket right now would be India winning this test to draw the series.

When the best Test cricket can do is a hasty two test world championship series (if two tests is really a series, and it isn’t) between a side that can’t beat the heavyweights away from home and a side that coming into the series has won 2 of 8 tests it deserves nothing more than a draw.

It doesn’t even deserve Dale Steyn or Sehwag.

Those two should be rested on grounds of unnatural awesomeness.

This series deserves more Paul Harris.

2010: where mediocrity ruled the world.

Buy the book, get a t-shirt, or donate to the whisky fund.

I found this at the newest picture cricket blog, planet durham.

It isn’t just about Durham, I promise.

“Hello, little boy. So you think you are better than me, than me, DALE WILLEM STEYN. I would laugh if I wasn’t ripping your limbs off.  You should thank your lucky stars they even let the likes of you on the same turfed surface as me.  Just looking at your pathetic faces makes me want to hurt you.  Every single fibre of your being disgusts me.  It is hard for me even to think of you existing without tasting the bile in my throat.  I am number one. Number ONE.  There is no one else on the planet who can do this, just me.  Bow, fucken bow you little tiny insignificant bitch.  Lick my toes, grovel, GROVEL HARDER. You are nothing; I am everything.  You should thank your God that you were even allowed to be destroyed by me.  Tonight when you try and sleep I want you to know I am over your bed, mocking you, whispering a story into your ear, the story of how I finished you.  Vengeance, thy name is Steyn.  You are my victim, a virginal sacrifice before my godly alter.  No man, or Gods, can defeat me when I thrash out my weapons of war.  The world is mine, I own it, you aren’t good enough to be stuck on my shoe.  There are two kinds of people in this world, me, and those who aren’t me.  Can you feel me, I am the hot air on your neck, the monster in your wardrobe, the creak in the other room, when you wake up and feel like someone is in the room, that is me, I’m always there.  You ain’t ever going to beat me, just give up.  You couldn’t dream up a nightmare as bad as I am.  There is no chance your woman will ever look at you the same way now, because I have cukcholded your soul.  This will be the story you’re too embarrassed to tell your kids. Today you went up against an unbeatable force, a monumental monolith, and all you could do was struggle out one breath as a time as it took you apart.  You are an insignificant piece of dirt and I wiped you on the cricket annals door mat.  One day you will think you are over this, you will be hanging with friends, maybe enjoying a beer and some fishing, but then the fear, the soul destroying fear, will smash down on you, and your friends won’t know why you are frozen still.  In what world would an ant like you kill a lion like me?  Turn your head; you aren’t good enough to even look in my general direction.  I have smited you from the earth; there is only crumbs left.  There is only one, his name is DALE WILLEM STEYN and he is NUMBER ONE. Alpha, Omega, STEYN.”

Buy the book, get a t-shirt, or donate to the whisky fund.

Ages ago i started a 5 most important cricketer series.

But by the time i was half way through i already disagreed with my selections.

This one is not so much about the future of cricket, but about the here and now.

These are the guys that are leading cricket right now, forget about old men like Ponting and Tendulkar, these are the men.

Mitchell Johnson

Bats like bowling all rounders are supposed to; bowls like left armers almost never do; and has gone from a run leaking vanity project to the most explosive player on earth in one year. I’m not sure how.

Three players on the planet can make test hundreds and bowl at over 90 miles per hour. The other two are older, slower, and injury proner. Is Australia’s most important player by so far no one can work out who is the second most important.

When Dennis Lillee said he was a once in a generation player, did he mean as an all rounder?

Jesse Ryder

Prince Brendan McCullum may get the big IPL bucks, he might have the body art, and be the marquee player for New Zealand, but Jesse is the marquee.

Jesse is 6 tests into a career and is already carving India’s ‘way better than average’ bowling attack. Likes making runs under pressure, takes the odd wicket and seems to inspire his team mates. It’s too early to put him on this list, and yet here he is.

Keep him out of the pub and New Zealand have a messiah.

Virender Sehwag

Considered a novelty act for a great deal of his career, but only by troglodytes. Sehwag was the real deal even when internal politics kept him out of the Indian side.
Since returning in Perth, Sehwag has started to damage bowling attacks with a special brand of religious intent (Sehwagology). The problem with getting him out is that you still have to go through the best batting line up in cricket, the problem with not getting him out is he can make 300 at better than a run a ball.

There is no test batsman who can win a game, or produce a bowlers mental breakdown, quicker than this man.

Kevin Pietersen

No matter where you stand on KP, complete wanker or batting stylist par excellence, fewer cricketers are more engaging on or off the field. The world’s highest paid cricketer (we don’t count Freddie, you don’t get paid for being injured) is still the prize wicket of the English team, and is box office in every way.

Australia will know that if they can keep him quiet in the ashes, on the field (no one can keep him quiet off it), they will go along way to winning. He is 45% of the reason Lalit Modi wanted English players in the IPL.

Cricket’s David Beckham, and I mean that as a compliment and a slur.

Dale Steyn

Probably not the fastest bowler on the planet, but no one takes wickets at a quicker rate. Wrestles crocodiles in his spare time, and often has a weird shadow on his top lip.
Does seem to be very hit and miss, but is still young enough to get away with it. When he takes wickets, they seem to come in large bags and he looks on top of the world, for a great deal of the rest of the time he looks flat and bored.

Not the prettiest boy in the band, but the only one who can really sing.

Where the fuck is Dale Steyn?

You know the shit hot fast bowler.

Not this limp penis dragging himself around England.

Dayrl Cullinan said he was the best fast bowler in the world.

My ass he is.

When he was killing Kiwis, perhaps he was, but now, just another bowler.

Players make their reputations on their first trip to England.

Steyn’s reputation is currently flaccid cock.

He was supposed to be the man to scare English mothers, the only person he scared this whole tour has retired.

Steyn is so un frightening at the moment Marcus “buy come into me” Trescothick is thinking about coming back out of retirement just to face him.

8 wickets in 2 tests at 36.

There were some turgid moments, but nothing to really ride home on.

2 wickets in 3 ODI’s at 85 with an economy rate of 6.57.

England is turkey slapping him all around.

What happened?

Did Morne steal his thunder?

Is Gunter putting deep heat in his panties?

Has Ntini raped him?

Because something is not right in the Steyn world, and it sure as shit aint no broken finger.